15 Sep 2008


I do know what I miss and I brush aside with the low expectation, give-up attitude.... It is a silent company. A totally connected silent company. And to find someone to do that with you is almost impossible. I miss that feeling yesterday and left in search for it at Starbucks and Diwan, and during my ride there. Refusing any company that is asking for a normal right. But I refuse. Gently or sharply. Does not matter. The suffocation is not in the breath, it is in the weight I carry. Of my accumulated heaviness of myself and the other. Of the....choice

Previously, I would look forward to that company/feeling because I know it exists. Now, I feel stuck with my choice, that I know that a compromise had been made. And the first item to give-up was the 'company' and all the comfort associated with that dynamics.

I justify the refusal to include with my need for space-- and for any invented lie. It is funny, but I see myself escaping again. Just not feeling comfortable. Regarding the other as a burden!

And now with the new news.... I guess I am stuck for long!

Just realizing that.... I start to vent anywhere else. Blogging. Driving. Not sleeping. Irritation. Picking on stuff. Finding faults. And here, I am not sure how can someone find peace with all that.

It is a choice.

But actually and to be honest.... there was no alternative. So maybe this is where I should focus. I had no alternative. So....



Anonymous Um Layla said...

You remind me of dilemma. I hope you are still on the shore and did not sink like me. My lowself-esteem and low confidence dragged me to the wrong choice

Nothing willc compensate you if you lost who you are, if you lost your essence. An empty connection-less life is a prison. Maybe your coming kid will help diffuse the feeling you are surrounded with.

9/15/2008 04:24:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

congrats. great news. this is what you have always wanted. I hope you are happy and your choice turns out to be the best. As for the kids, you will be a great mom, no doubt.

Good luck!

9/15/2008 11:18:00 pm  
Blogger haal said...

i am ok. nothing to regret. and yes, this is what i wanted.


9/17/2008 12:21:00 am  

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