M.H

It is hard to describe it this time. And was hard to describe the time before. And I am sure the time after. I know this feeling. When you know you are watching yourself being distant from yourself. Not fighting anything as before. Just silently delving into this space of yours at the end of the day. Avoiding all what is happening in the corridors and the wide huge area outside. Just saying what will get you to pass by any situation or topic. When you know longer fight for placing a poker face, to normally have one. Avoid. Reserve. Avoid. Diffuse. Hide but never seek. Say no opinion in any general conversation. Preserve. You look to everyone and just wish they never stop talking lest they ask for what you think. And you know that you think nothing because you are actually outside this life already. Not interested and not you. But just doing that for any sign of life. I stop pleasing. I stop contributing. Fighting or even saying what I want. I am not sure what happened.

I just am feeling more and more sad. Less and less asking for what I want from those close. I said what I want before. Major and minor. But the wave-length is surprising different. SO you stop. Even if you chose them with low expectation, the bar keeps going lower. Until one time, you just silence your feelings and whatever makes you comfortable. Accept whatever because this way they give you a space to move in. And this is surprisingly, after all these years and attempts, is what i want. Just a space to leave me alone. I promised myself to not say what I want. I do what I can to spare me the annoyance. I see only what I want to see and the rest, I literally drop. I invented a world and I live in it. And I walk around as a watcher. It is hard to describe.

But i fight less. Far less. The worst I say is 'you offended me.' If I ask for something that was not done. I dont ask again. I do it myself or just retreat. And I do retreat with no hard feelings. I just really retreat. There in the corner and be with myself, do mystull until I am called back again to join the gathering. And I go back and normal and continue.

This i find it easier. Less confrontation. Almost no demands or expectation. And it assures me that no one is keen enough to see you. And there is no right or wrong choices... Just a choice and it actually is easier to be or choose someone and be with someone who does not see you. Really easier. I am sure that it is not done on purpose. Just it is not really there in everyone to notice and observe. 90% of those we know, even close ppl, wives, husbands, family, hardly will see or know you. So when I really realised that, i just give them excuse.

Before I fight. Now I ignore.

And what i cant ignore is the horrible sad feeling I am accumulating. I just look to him or them, even who i chose, and be silent. endless talks coming from that direction and I hear nothing. i am there. a statue. listening but really cant be engaged. and i know i will stay there forever. first because i have no energy to be engaged in anything. and more important, i really am ok with whatever. all i am waiting for is this little floor i lay on and this silence i get to observe for sometime. I leave them and him alone because i jsut want to be left alone. whatever you want to take from me, please take. i no more want to offer anything.

and in the process of that, i do realise that i am being diminshed. but there is no other way to be nurtured.

today i heard this name million times. over and over. as if she intentionally wanted to have me react. but i did not. i know she knew what i have been hiding. i always had this feeling. on and on she said it. and looking to me in the face. i just answer and show indifference. tell her what she would never expect me to say in that situation. i am determined in that little gap to not show her what she wants me to reveal. i even said how much i think the love is and the caring is.... and i watched her with the corner of my eyes....looking to me in surprise....

why some people enjoy to see others in pain....

i showed my pain before to few. but very few from those few who respected it.

And i am not intending to show that again..

I surprise myself.

As I Doug told me.... I am someone totally different. the other side of who i used to be.

Closed. Shut. Blocked. Mute. Blind.