30 May 2005

TWOSRET

Twosret was first regent for her son Siptah jointly with Chancellor Bay. When the former died, she took the throne for herself, assuming the rule of a Pharaoh and titulary of a Queen (King's Wife). She may have continued to share the rule with Chancellor Bay. Regardless as to whether or not he officially shared the rule, he probably was the power behind the throne. It is believed by some that Bay had Twosret executed when she gave him the keys to the treasury.

This coming info is provided by Diana Petersen--Thanks Diana

TWOSRET (Tausert) (19th Dynasty c.1187-1185 BC)
As with Nitocris and Sobeknofru above, Twosret's reign was during troubled times and lasted less than three years. She was the last Pharaoh of the 19th dynasty. Tausert was the very beloved wife of Seti II even though she was not his first wife and it is believed that it was Seti II who ordered her tomb to be built in the Valley of the Kings; an honour given to very few queens. Again the evidence is sketchy, however the general consensus is that, upon the death of her husband Queen Twosret became co-regent with the king's young son, (Ramesses-Siptah), by another of his wives, and then after his death (approximately six years later) ascended to the throne herself, proclaiming herself Pharaoh."



"Following the death of her husband Seti II in 1194 BC, Twosret eventually took the throne for herself, declaring herself queen and using the full pharaonic titles as Hatshepsut had done some 300 years earlier. During her short two year reign, she sent out expeditions to Sinai and Palestine and built a beautifully decorated tomb in the Valley of the Kings that was later usurped by Setnakhte, first king of the 20th dynasty. In addition to her tomb, work was begun on a mortuary temple south of the Ramesseum, the foundations of which were discovered by Flinders Petrie. Objects with her name have been found at Deir el-Alla in Palestine and Serabit el-Khadem in the Sinai, and a statue of her has been found in Heliopolis. Her name also appears at Abydos, Hermopolis and Memphis. A horde of gold and silver vessels bearing her name has been found at the site of Bubastis. With her death came the end of the line of legitimate successors to Rameses II and thus the 19th Dynasty. "

As per Kabalarians :”Your first name of Twosret has given you a quick-minded, sensitive nature. It gives you a clever, creative ability in art, music, singing, or drama and an appreciation for refined surroundings. Your sociable nature expresses affection, kindness, and thoughtfulness to the extent that it is difficult for you not to be affected by others and governed by your emotions, rather than by logic and reason. As you respond to love and encouragement from others, your romantic and dreamy nature can easily lead you into love affairs. “


So did she steal power? Well, even if she did, it is a normal behaviour. Everyone does it especially in our modern times. I guess, power is so tempting. However, had she known she would be executed, I think she would never have thought about stealing this doomed throne of ancient Egypt.

CAN IT BE

I was reading Atallah's when I found these words.
انا لا أشكو، ففى الشكوى إنحناء
و أنا نبض عروقى كبرياء
by Kamel el-Shinawy.

Can one really live without complaining? I don't know if we can do that.

Someone always tells me that you should know exactly where to direct your complains. Don't waste your time asking homage from the servants, go to the owner. Go directly to the source. He would know how to help, otherwise it is a waste of time. I agreed back then, but still had problems. Now I don't agree, and still have the same problems. I tend to conclude that these problems are my destined luggage that I need to get rid of but they are deeply rooted in me. I had to take a dive down. And yes, there is Boss, who isn't really a Boss.

P.S. Some of the comments exchanged down here are meant to be funny. Nothing personal. Please continue with the discussion. My pleasure.

OUT OF EDEN

Adam and the issue of creation come up again and again. This time through the censored book of Shahin, abi Adam. Out of Eden is an article discussing the history of this issue. Mainly the history of the author, Abd al-sabur Shahin.

Back to the issue of Adam and the creation. Sidi al-Shadhuli always says that Adam was the first insan and he was the father of all, and the picture of all the material world. He was the first in the body and he is a part of the Light of Allah, but the father of Adam, and of everything, in the spirit, is Mohammad. Why Mohammad? Because he is the complete face of Allah and from his Existence came the complete world. The prophet said, 'there are thousands of worlds like the world of Adam, and everyone of them knows me, and I know them, and I am the Mercy of them all.'

Well, I don't really know. I have no clue whether this is right or wrong. Maybe just another super prophet image that we tend to create and stapple to our prophet to just give him more power and appeal. Why? Many reasons.

But apart from exaggeration and huge hue around our prophets, we have to admit there are mysteries in this world. There are tons of stuff we couldn't capture. We just accept it now because we couldn't find a solution or a logical explanation to it. Do we need to? I think so. I think we need to pierce through and attempt to unravel these mysteries. It won't be through the mind for sure, but maybe through the heart. Maybe through nothing. Through surrendering and through acceptance. But which surrender and which acceptance? Again... which which?

There is a surrender that stems out of fear, another out of peace, another out of arrogance.... Lots and lots of faces to the same state. Lots and lots of fakeness to the same perfect picture. I am the only one who can discover the true face of anything I am doing or not doing.

28 May 2005

PARISIAN HAAL

Feeling lonely in the midst of everything. Carried the mountain spirit with me to the very downtown where all the lights are roaring for attention. Feeling sad in the midst of all the clubs and night life. Want to just take a walk over the bridge. Stand in silence. Just listen to yourself. Treat yourself to a healing and use your partner's breath for going deeper inside. Now you are assured you are sustained, and thus feel safe to wonder inside yourself. With every breath, with every layer that is peeled, with every veil that is lifted, you will find a different H waiting for you. Some will be shy, another one open, conservative, happy, firey, coward, weak, strong, caring, agressive...... Like cards. Everyone knows her turn very well. Play very well. Professional. Knows you inside out. Will always want to keep you under their spill and control. Doesnt want to show you the real face of yourself. It is all illusion. You are an illusion. You don't exist in the first place. Who am I? I have no clue. Really. No clue. Just a replica of something very vague.....

26 May 2005

INHERITANCE

Inheritance in Islam is such a problematic topic when people talk about it. The fact that Islam demands that woman take half the man is driving women crazy, ehm, and some men too.

Will elaborate later but....

If the Coran gave you 1/2 what the man takes when you are staying home, then logically speaking, you deserve NOTHING if you decided to go to the workplace!? Can men go argue like that? Well, if you think this is a valid deduction, then I will stand by you.

Yes, aganist all odds, I stand with Applying the Shari'a to its core, yes, including cutting the theif's hands too.

Mohamed from cairo, aren't you going to reflect on Amin, H. section on cutting the hand in Islam? I think this will be interesting.

25 May 2005

TICK HERE

Try to relax. Take a deep breath and try to vent off. Com'on it is easy. Just try it. Good girl, good girl. abounoo bunoo bunoo....

I know, with all the kefaya boycotting business, and the fake voting farse play you must be a under some kind of pressure.

23 May 2005

MECCANS

Did the Meccans use religion for trading reasons? Could it be that they weren't idols worshippers, but just faked it for trading purposes? In other words, just a users of others ignorance?

22 May 2005

I can't sleep. Moving from one place to the other. Finally landed in the small living room. I opened the windows, and enjoyed the nice breeze while sleeping on the coach. Still I can't sleep. There are lots of things contributing to my inability to sleep.

1) I drank 2 cans of coke. Enough to keep me awake.
2) I drank 1 espresso with milk.
3) The smell of the raw coffee we bought today is so strong. Filling the house. Can't wait for tomorrow to drink another espresso.
4) Too excited to meet a relative of Taha Hussien tomorrow. I am actually reading a book of his.

19 May 2005

CONSERVATIVE OR OPEN

Are you bent mutaharira or muhafza? Not sure what does this question mean? Not even sure if I am this or that? I don't really know. I am extremely both. Or is it both extremely?! Well, I am extremely conservative and extremely open, both at the same time. Funny! Not really, but confusing actually, to me and to others. And with confusion comes sadness, and with sadness comes the urge to just disappear.

Last night, I returned to M.'s apartment around 2 in the morning. I was attending this gathering at A.'s place. I was supposed to leave with M. but the conversation got more and more interesting and I just decided to stay till the end of the conversation. No sooner had it started than it glided to talking about religion in general, morals, human nature, and all these juicy stuff that I love tremendously. Of course, talks about islamic history came was hit upon more than once, critique to hadith, koran gathering, and the like were all touched upon. I don't have a solid opinion towards all these critiques. I mean, I of course doubt a lot of ahadeeth, sometimes would just like them to disappear; fend off any saying that doesn't make sense to me; don't consider it an authority saying and surrender to it. I just approach what we call 'our most used, customized, tailored version of islam' with great doubt and sarcasm.

Many people, including my mother, ad infinitum warns me of my attitude. On the other hand, I fast Mondays and Thursdays. At some point, I fasted on one and one basis, and now I am getting my fajr prayer in place. Regardless that, I do LOVE hear critiques about islamic history and islamic ideas. I don't mind sitting with people who just say the worst thing about the prophet using the historical writings to prove their point. I don't necessairly debate, just listen. Say a word here or there. Hardly did I ever defend the Coran, or the prophet. Sometimes I contribute to saying the not so 'religiously' correct incidents. Sometimes I feel guilty sometimes I feel I need to do that. To just destroy the iconized image I have of the prophet and islam. To set islam free from its religious form to becoming a way of life and integration.

My 'relgious' friends (mainly because they are wearing the hijab) calls me 'too much' and would never reach anywhere. My normal friends (religious at heart maybe) call me so religious and approach things in a different way, my doubting friends call me agnostic with a spiritual touch. My mother always asks me why do I enjoy confusing people, especially my brother, when she knows that I am a 'believer'. Believer in what, I always ask? Seriously, believer in what?

There is something about Islamic culture, or arab culture that fears the other. The other not only the other culture but the 'other ideas'. Anything different is wrong, may cause doubt, and thus BAD BAD BAD. We would never understand. We are incapable of understanding so better just obey. If they tell you do this and that, then go ahead, just do it. If they tell you that after doing x and y you should feel Z, then you must feel Z, otherwise you are not doing it right! Stuff like that, most obvious of which is Piligramage. Every single one who came back from doing it 'aha, what a lovely experience. I felt lifted. I feel... I experienced.... I saw..... ' The same story no one says soemthing different. I always listen and smile. No one dares to say that 'well, I felt nothing. It was cool.' No way, this means that he/she didn't do it right, or that God is not happy with him/her and thus didn't give him the experience. I actually heard this once on T.V. Something like, 'those who go to Mecca and come back feeling nothing their hearts are sealed ... they need to do extra effort to remove the dirt on it.' Not the exact wordings of course, but something around these lines.

I actually had a great friend. He went to Mecca for piligramage and after he was done with the rituals, he put on his shorts and a TShirt and walked to dos some shopping and then passed by a friend of his. Upon seeing him my friend was like, 'What's up man. Eih akhbar el donya?' His friend just looked to him in surprise and told him, 'Donya? Eih akhbar el Akhra?' My friend's logic was, 'I have done the rituals. Enjoy it. And now back to my normal life. What's wrong with that? I got the experience in my heart.' Well, I agree. I mean, during the prophet's time they finish piligramage and back to their business. They just live their piligramage in the practical life. Carry it through their way of life and not just staple it to the white jalabya, beard, head-cover. BACK TO BUSINESS. The trick is how to do a piligramage at every moment of your life, not only when you go to Mecca.

To be more honest, I don't even strongly believe that Mecca is the only place to do piligramage to. It is just a place. Sacred? Yes. Has this energy? Yes. Chosen place by god where His throne is above? Well, maybe? But I see it as very limiting actually. It just assumes that God sees the world in a horizontal sphere as we do. To see America He has to look right, and to see India he has to rotate... What on earth is that? Any place is Mecca. Any time is Allah. Every moment is Allah.

Whatever!

16 May 2005

WALK REMEMBERED

I am glad I decided to leave. I was on the fringe of changing my plans and just cancel the whole trip. Change is always a good thing to do, and which I in particular love to do every so often. This time I needed it, and still do. I had a rough week in Cairo, or so I thought, not really sure which is the truth. Things in many ways kept switching and flipflopping from one state to the other, including my moods. One second up another down.

Before I left, I just felt like going for a walk around the area. I found myself crossing over to aziz uthman street. Strange street actually. It starts with a totally sketchy neighbourhood, sketchy slackers and then bit by bit the street just clears out and nice villas and buildings start to appear, until it ends with this famous garden. It is not the best street here, but for me it is one of my favourite streets especially at night. Building number 1 is where Ed. Sa'id used to live, next to it and on the corner is Haleem's famous apartment, somewhere in the middle of the street Hesham Selim lived, or so I speculated from my cousin who used to ride the school bus with him some 30 years ago.

It is a sad street to me actually. Very quite. Very old. Contradicting at times, especially its mornings. The school at its corner, al-gezira shit school, with its horrible ugly buses parking over the pavement, are a real killer to the nice street. Alienating the beginning of the street from its end. Even the buildings at the beginning of the street differ from that at the end. What is more funny is that the same building has many identities. Just noticed that Sai'd's building, which is amazingly nice at the front side--large columns, nice old entrance, nice balconies-- is just so nasty at the corner side. Old windows, dead plants, old sewage system, humid walls, closed apartments whose owners either died long time ago or just closed it and lived somewhere else. I was surprised for a moment.

When I was passing by Haleem's building, I used to just look through the entrance. Not sure why. I always do that. Just want to get a feel of what it was like when he was living here, when most of the actors of the good old days drop by. I always liked the two green elevators, with the big black buttons, not the digital ones. They just make me relax for some reason. A weird connection to some past memories, especially my grandpa's clinique downtown cairo.

I took like two rounds in the streets, once taking a left to Hassan Sabry and the other a right to Shaja al-Dur street. The fancy big building at the corner of al-Dur street with al-jabalaya. It is my worst nightmare. I don't like it. It ruins this whole nice area. Too modern for the old street and old villas, and even the old cars parking down there. One of them, is an old white coupe, I always fantasize it is Omar Khurshid's car. I look up the building and inside the entrace, well, it is indeed very fancy, but I don't like this kind of fancy building. Fancy for me is not about plants, mirrors, expensive ceramics, dressed up concierge, but simply about how the old building still carry the memories of all the people lived in it, and the history of that era.

MJ, with all my due respect to my hairdresser, has transformed one of the buildings at Salah al-Din street to a beauty salon. The whole building carries his name now. He did a good job actually with the entrance. A nubian concierge dressed in red robes and turbans open the door for you. Ahmed, is the sweet guy's name who insists on pressing the elevator's button for me. To be honest, I hate this elevator and more than once took the stairs which is left unchanged. I complained to MJ about removing the elevator and changing the windows, but he would just laugh. I do too. I like him so much actually. He is my hairdresser since I was a kid. Although we know eachother for more than 20 years now, meet almost every week, but I never had a conversation with him. I am not a talkative client like the rest of the women. I just sit silently on the chair, watch the ever changing clients of his. Watch him cut women's hair like a real artist. Doesn't seem to struggle or do any effort. Hair styling come naturally to him......

Welll, I think I will talk about my hairdresser another time.

Speculation

Indeed it is getting really boring. I totally agree. Not blogging in particular that is getting boring, but this whole life play in fact. I mean, this stupid struggle to get things to work in a smooth way; to have people, including myself, to act naturally with no complications or prepared agenda; to understand what the hell is going on in their minds, even the closest persons you think you know. I wish I could just stop speculating. I am pretty good in that. But I am not good with my reactions. I tend to follow my planet, Mars, destruction and not worry abit about rebuilding the whole thing. Later. Later. Don't worry about that.

I think I just am not good with persuasion. Not patient to pull and push. Like things pretty straight forward. Little words can solve the whole problem for me. Just tell me what you want and get done with the whole business. I understand, always will, but never arouse my doubt and never leave me to hunt details down. My detective mind will always speculate problems and doubts.

14 May 2005

FROM HERE

Veiled girl song with this Elvis like boy is horrible. I just didn't like the girl, her moves or her facial expressions. Tight green shirt, tight jeans with a headgear. What a melange! A tasteless one. I also saw Ruby's song, the one where she was wearing an orange outfit. Interesting! Green, orange, veil, silver engagment ring. What is the message? Is it a religio-political one as well?

Well, 'orange' seems to be the 'Colour of the year'. Politics and media dominating colour.

10 May 2005

APPLEBEES

First time to go to BlueBoat or Nile boat or Blue Nile.Oups, forgot the name. Well, it is something along these lines. I had supper with Z. at applebees. Nice place actually. Good food. Can be better for sure. Last time I ate applebees was with my mom in the States.

Anyways, this is the second night in a row that I ate many supper(s) in the same day with less than an hour in between. In fact, last night I had late lunch at home, had an early supper at peking, and then a late supper at seqoia. 4 hours and I ate 3 times. Peking was the worst of all. The company was boring and I wasn't in the mood to chineese. Seqoia was the best food. I now love the place.

We left applebees after almost 4 hours. We had a nice talk. New job, politics, a little political gossips and ended with talking about religion. Everytime we discuss religion I am left with this floating feeling.... Am I really agnostic? Very interesting feeling, not sure if I like it or not. Rossetti can you give me a hand with that.

I missed Lutfi's painting exhibition. Will go see it tomorrow with O.

My test results. I find it a little funny that Islam-Judaism are followed closely with paganism and agnosticism.

MY FRIEND S...

what happened to you?

Indeed when one is not happy in his intimate relationships, be it with his husband, fiance, boyfriend, it does reflect on how one sees the world.

I understand your suffering, dilemma and heavy load. However, I don't understand why you keep insisting on standing where you are; comparing yourself with others; putting extra load on H.; refusing to help yourself and your whole small family; listening to our advice; enjoying being a perfect victim.

S. It does reflect on how you act when you are around us. Last night, all your statments were nouvel to me. You want to deliver us a message that you are still S., we know that my dear. Just relax. Appreciate who you are, and you would never care if you wear from zara or valentino, CD, or whatever.

We love you. Don't like to see the perplexing look on A.'s face after every statment you make. Don't like to have to defend your reactions infront of her in private. Just want the light hearted, airheaded friend once again.

Be practical. Stop sweating on the small stuff. Stop this self pity attitude. H. is really great. Just give him a boost and don't hold him down.

HUMAN & OTHERS

'Generally speaking, there is nothing in man that does not also exist in higher stages of animals, vertebrates, and insects. There is the desire to satisfy needs and join in societies, and some form of economy.' Ali Izetbegovic, quoted by Mohamed, my next door blogger. Interesting statment.

I am just wondering, if this statment should be written in a different way. Very roughly, something like, 'Man's nature encompasses/has all the stages of animals, angels and Jin.'

8 May 2005

ISLAMIC SHOP

Never thought I was going to enter this islamic store, or so does everyone call it in the area. Al-tawheed we al-Nour. It was quite an experience.

I am heading to France this week so M. asked me for hunting pants that she can wear under her cloths in winter. She wanted them in pure cotton, and pointed me to this tawheed place. So, there I went.

Upon entering the place, I thought I was transformed into this new world. A hive, except it is a lazy one. Only crowded. All the sellers are men with the praying sign on their forehead, some with long beards, the plupart majority wearing greyish short pants and weird colour shirts. You can't miss but feel that they all look the same. Of course, the sound of 'iza'et el coran al kareem' was screaming everywhere. Coran, ahadeeth, preaching, all what you want.

So I headed to the women section, expecting the sellers to be women. Veiled women. Munaqaba women. Whatever. It is women section for god's sake. Never expected a man to sell women's underwear. To my surprise, no women. All men. No women whatsoever except the customers. How weird, I thought to myself. A man selling women's underwear; giving her suggestions to the size and colour. Yikes! Really. Very twisted. I overheard one of them saying, 'I only have combilizoonate hamra wee eswed.' Hilarious. Another seller showing women an underwear where she wanted it in white, and he was convincing her that blue would also look good, especially with this unique flower. The elastic here is comfortable. eh eh! They are not doing it in a degrading way or anything, but it just sounded weird to my ears and to my eyes. A serious man, with beard, talking about combilizonat, and who knows what else!

What is more funny is that the women buying, most baladi ones, were totally comfortable. Buying stuff with no minimal sign of uncomfort. There was even this new bride who came with her mother to buy her wedding underwear. What the heck? Begad!

So here comes my turn. I looked to the guy and couldn't help but remark, 'so why no get women sellers in the women section. It is haram or what.' The guy gave me this silent look. I continued, 'la'a seriously I am not joking. Why not get a woman to do this woman job thing. I assume you get a little uncomfortable at some level.' He smiled. Not a word. Looked to my shirt and hair and didn't answer. Oh well, I got what I wanted and left.

What is my problem? Well, I just personally can't imagine a guy, with all the ongoing talks about them being sexually excited faster than women, work in a female section. All day long, showing underwears, sexy or not, checking what the women size might be if she doesn't know her exact size, giving her suggestions about the good colour or bad ones, ..... I mean, if the guys are not married, aren't they gonna, even for a second, get aroused somehow. I don't really get it.

7 May 2005

FLATTERING

I am in the mood to be playful today. I had a lovely friday and it is reflecting on my mood. Funny this mood thing.

I was invited to attend E.'s, Z.'s diving buddy, surprise birthday party this morning. Since wednesday I was debating with myself whether to go or not. I felt a little awkward going there. Not because of anything other than the women/girls are a little weird to my taste. They are absolutely fine with themselves, but they are just not my style. At the same time, I wanted to go because I love the topic discussed there and the fun debates. They are lots of fun to be around. So I was between two desires.

Anyways, I asked my replica friend, Mae to help me with this matter. She was cool. She suggested that I send a message to Z. and tell him that I feel awkward coming, and wait for his reply. I did. I said to myself, if he encourages me to go, I will go. If not, then this is what I wanted and I can relax home. But I guess I was mistaken.

Z. simply replied back, 'Ok. I will let you pass on this one.' My reaction to myself was, 'what the ..... I expected some persistence, not OK! What is ok? I was pissed. Really. Typical me. I could have just relaxed with the answer, especially that it is was what I wanted from the start, but no. Very silly, Haal.

I decided to be playful. So I sent him a message, 'how flattering?' and waited for the answer. Cute Z., he called immediately exclaiming what does my message mean. I couldn't help but laugh and tell him that 'oh sweetie, because you are so understanding. I was thanking you.' He immediately knew I was teasing, and that I didn't like his reply. 'Women. Typical women. If you want to come, why not just say it.'

I think he is right. Partially right. I didn't want to go because I am so dead tired from last night, yet, had he talked me into going I would have done it for his sake. Could have just simply said so, but I have to feed my ego a little. Ended up starving it instead! But it was fun.

I actually don't like to go with Z. to every single outing. I prefer everyone has a free time by himself to be his own. Being with me all the time doesn't make me feel any better, and it is the same with him. I like this freedom, yet connected feeling. But I also have to feel that my presence is important. Normal to me at least!

6 May 2005

BREL

Unbeatable Brel. Found myself listening to his JoJo, over and over again.

My friends wonder why I like JBrel so much. He can be a little depressing. In fact too depressing. Well, I don't know. He is real to me. I mean, he does sing sad songs but it is so real. It is so him. Whenever I listen to any song I feel that he is speaking about himself. Putting himself, his sadness out to the whole world. That whatever story he is singing about, happened to him in real life. Makes me feel that I know my Jacques. My sensitive, sad Jacquie. My sensitive, sad Haal. When I connect with this me, I am more real.

Jojo,
Ce soir comme chaque soir
Nous refaisons nos guerres
Tu reprends Saint-Nazaire
Je refais l'Olympia
Au fond du cimetière
Jojo,
Nous parlons en silence
D'une jeunesse vieille
Nous savons tous les deuxQue le monde sommeille
Par manque d'imprudence

Six pieds sous terre Jojo tu espères encore
Six pieds sous terre tu n'es pas mort

5 May 2005

THAT'S IT

European colonization sucks big time. Just flipping through pictures of the aboriginal people of Australia. These original people were all dark-skinned people. What happened to them? What happened to the original owners of the land?

I am reading this nice book, yep, that Mae took its last copy. Cool book.

PLACE

Do I have a place? I search and search. Dont seem to find one. Am I longing for one? I am dying for one. I know my sadness stems deep down into my heart and soul. The sadness is born with me. Hard for anyone to see and understand. I wonder, why God chose me to be sad? Is there a purpose? Will I meet another sad person, born like me, joined me up there, sat next to me, with whom I will one day unite? Will this be possible?

Possible? To find peace. Hope. Comfort. To walk hand in hand. To understand when he talks. To grasp all the said and unsaid. To feel home in his hug. And be able to express love without reservation. To see my smile. Watch my eyes. Watch me. Sacrifice for me. Want me. Will there anyone who would want me?

Wont intimidate him? He'll appreciate me and want more of me. Will enjoy my company and I be his support and companion. Eat. Laugh. Pray. together. Enjoy to the max.

I know there is this one. Somewhere. Where? I do not know. When or what. But I will wait. Patiently if I can. Silently. I have been so for long. Searching. He will find me for sure. Pray to find me no doubt. Will find me. God willing. Will want me and wont leave me again.

Again? yes. We found one another there. I am sure we will find one another again here.

What if? I do not want to think of what if. I will go on with this hope. I am sure god does want to surprise me. I am optmistic.


One request God: Do not be harsh on me, Please. make the path easy for us. Please. If we both long for one another, allow the meeting. Our meeting. If the choice is right, we will both meet You.

NUMBERS

I just noticed, tomorrow is Thursday, 5.5.05. I am sure this friend of mine will send us a message at 5:55 pm pointing us to this coincident.

In fact, some people, including myself, like to play with numbers combination. My cousin, last year, did his engagement party on 7.7 at 7pm. I thought it was silly to arrange it this way.

5.5.05.....an old friend's birthday.

COOL NIGHT

So, the all girls day happened today. It was cool.

Initially I didn't want to go out. I wanted to spend some time with ma, watch T.V., eat, sleep on the coach, chit-chat. A. kept calling. On my cell, on my home phone. Crazy this girl when it comes to going out. Very swaying. Well, she is my fun partner for more than a decade now. So I couldn't say No. I was all dressed up in a blink and waited for her to pass by. I was so hungry and thus wanted to go eat in a decent place.

Sequonte, or whatever the name is, was the place. Well, I initially hated going there. Last time I went with A. and S. I didn't enjoy it a bit. The ambiance was strange, mood was screwed, and the company sucked that I couldn't sit still and kept zooming in and out. Anyways, A. convinced me in another blink. So we went. We looked kinda funny with both of us, by mere chance, dressed the same. White shirt on beige linen pants. Even our outfit matched the decor.

I ordered couple of plates. I was so hungry. A. claimed she was not hungry, and thus ordered her damn shisha and a drink. Well, she ended up eating most of my food. In fact, we ordered an extra empty plate for her to divide the food, instead of her constant picking from my plate. Was hilarious. All that and she wasn't hungry. But the food was good, and chit-chating was cool.

S. called and she was in a nasty mood. Upset. Well her usual lately. I intentionally didn't ask her about how she was feeling. It was obvious, but she still managed to just slip into endless complains and stories. I don't really concentrate anymore. I couldn't take it so I gave the phone to A. She is good with this stuff and managed to end the conversation in 1minutes, however with a disaster. 'We will pass by S. after we are done here.' Shoot. Why? Well, this was the only way out. But..... Oh well. We both cracked. We actually like S. a lot but weren't in the mood for her. A little hyper.

Anyways, we passed by S. She opened the door. She looked miserable in her pj or whatever she was wearing. We looked at her and the three of us just cracked.

We, actually A. and S., had the weirdest conversation ever. Tittle-tattled about some relative of S. and her weird actions and visions. Something wacko that I didn't bother to follow. Then S. rabbit-on her miserable vacation with H. and his family. She had the weirdest expressions and blaspheme when she is really angry. Makes her conversation funny at times, not always though. I couldn't help but laugh at the words she used. I only concentrated with these new expressions and words. I was half asleep on the coach, eating peaches and masticate on this mini choclate she had.

Nice feeling actually: 2 friends talking in a funny way. Silly hearsay. Luscious swiss choclate. Nice perfume A. was wearing. Lethargic me.

4 May 2005

DIWAN

Indeed an interesting place. For some reason, I just felt like going there tonight. I was planning to go to an AUC concert with A. and S. but the latter cancelled, so we all called the whole thing off. I think this worked best for A. and myself actually. We didn't really feel like going, but just were doing it as a social gesture for S. who desperately wanted to go out, girls only! Ok. I am not a social gesture girl all the time, but I have been ignoring S. for a long time now that I felt guilty. I mean, if she is my friend then I shouldn't be avoiding her. Anyways, she cancelled it.

Instead of the concert, I walked to Diwan and sat there for a while, browsed through the history books there. I have never done this before, this browsing attitude, but it appealed to me tonight. Could be because I couldn't get myself to read as of late for some reason. Need to change places and get off the routine of my reading habbit.

Anyways, I found my victim waiting for me at Diwan's new arrival. Bernard Lewis books. They are not new books by any means. Old ones that I read before when I was doing my Masters and later when reading for my thesis. I never enjoyed B.L's writings, although a great scholar, as everyone claims. He sure is a great researcher but I didn't enjoy his analogy at times. I worked with his sects analysis a on some level during my various thesis preparation. Thank God didn't have to use them though.

On the shelf there were couple of his famous books. 'What went wrong?', 'Unholy terror', 'sematics anti sematics', 'multiple muslim identity'. Not the type of books I would buy--except maybe Muslim identity--and certainly not the author. I never imagined buying B.L.'s book. However, aganist all odds, I decided to get the whole collection. How strange is that?

Part of my logic was Z. oriented. I know he would like this stuff, especially 'unholly terror' which discusses the concept of Jihad extensively. En plus, these type of books are not really academic but rather commerical history like books. Introduction. Don't require you to be a well versed in Middle East history. Story, incident teller. Simple analysis, yet can leave a tremendous impact. Well, it depends on how and why you read him and what are you looking for in the first place. Anyways, I bought them. Time to have books for people I dislike in my library. Bernard Lewis next to Madelung, Cook, Watt and Hings.

Walking home, I start thinking that it might actually be unfair for me to dislike B.L. Everyone has and will continue to have his biases and point of view. For instance, I love W. Madelung, who is very much pro-shi'a, very clear in his writing especially when pondering on the issue of succession. I guess, you can never be objective. In fact, what makes a book a success or not is its professional biaseness. Otherwise, it will be too mellow. Too lame. Tasteless. Democratic. Politically correct. Khaldun hints that as long as there are no struggles, there will be no prosperity, no strive to fix, and explore.

Maybe he didn't say that exactly, but I choose to see it this way.

*I need to be a little more accurate in what I write

3 May 2005

ISLAMIZATION OR...

.... what exactly?

Maybe more later!

20.4.05 1:00 am

Location: Cairo, Falaki Street, my car
Weather: Midspring night, cool weather
Occasion: almost 3 hours of talking after watching Silly Goose
Question: 'What will you raise your kids to believe in then?' A finale statment to a long conversation.'

It is one of these questions that no particular answer is needed or expected. Something to contemplate upon. A kind of question that seems so natural after the kind of discussions we have; after almost all our discussions; after almost all my contemplations alone or with others.

'I don't really know. Believe in themselves, maybe!!'

Can this really be an answer? Is this what we really need as a necessity before choosing what we should or shouldn't believe in? I would like to think so. Enough slogans under any name, be it God, prophets, saviours, pharos, paradise, hell, haram, halal... and the list keeps getting longer and longer every second. Reducing man's clean fitra to an animal one. Nothing will stop man except himself. God, with all my due respect, can't do it. Not because He can't but because simply this is not the way the system was designed to work. Only Rule: No outside power needed, but just an inside awareness. No outside spots, but an inside ray.

'The real teacher', as khan puts it in his the inner life, 'is in the heart of man. The outward teacher is only a sign. A persian poet has said that he who is a lost soul, even if he is in the presence of a saviour, will be lost just the same, because his own clouds are surrounding him. It is not then the question of 'guidance', 'books', 'saviour', God; the obscurity which our mind creates surrounds us and keeps us blind.' So, the whole trick lies in ourselves. Discovering our own. Uncovering because there is nothing new. All is there, ancient as Allah.

But there are lots of impacts hitting us from the moment of our birth. Mother figure?! Very sacred role. Hardly would you find a prophet with no female impacting his role and persona. The more the direct influence, the more sturdy the steps were; the stronger the influence, the deeper the message. Think about Moses, Jesus, Abraham, Noah, Joseph, Mohammad, Adam, Soliman... Think about mother earth too!

Cherechez la femme?
'Al-Umm madrasa izza a'dadtouha a'data sha'ban tayeb al-a'rak.' (mother is a school, if you prepared her well, you prepared a great nation). Is this Shawky or Hafez Ibrahim?
The prophet was Ummi.
Allah is rahman, from the mother's womb.

Now, who will be the future mothers? When I look around and see the future mothers, I just get scared!