A Message from within

Is it the crave for connection that is keeping you up tonight; urging you to come here to read me; bored? Am I entertaining you? or is it just an attempt to connect? But why? And I am sure you are here. Now. I just know it. Funny? Scary? But it is true. I can see you beyond this page. I know I did not make it yet to your 'favourites'. But I feel it when you google 'a message from within'. Click the first link to come to me. And I wont sleep unless you do. Please go sleep.

I am frightened because i have realised the full extent of my imprisonment. He has fostered my love for solitude.

The night seems so long. Sleepless. I pulled the mattress to the floor. Placed it in the balcony. Sleeping on my back while watching the dark sky. Full of stars. All so vivid and shiny. Glittering and sending me signals. I stare while lying there. Wrapped up in the fluffy blanket. Hugging the pillow. Feeling the warmth of the company coming in. I look and see the moon. A full cresent. Rising up by the minute. Peeking at me and reminding me of nights I stayed out talking and sharing. Witnessing good and sad time. Happy and agnoized heart. I feel the warmth in the cool breezed night. Between the mountains. Full sky. Stars and planets. Understanding moon. Encouraging and supporting. Triggering and asking me to let it all out. I did. Been so long. Since I witnessed all that and let myself connect. Been so long. Have not wished to connect. The dryness and sadness dried my heart and squeezed it to the last drop. Swept away all the security and hope. Far and away. I wished to be seen. Empathi...

Sad. Confused. Lonely. Bright. Productive. Practical. Robot. Mechanical Emotionless. Cynical. Agnoizing Wondering. This ache is depriving. Drilling and soaring. Love does not liberate us. It is no matter how much I keep saying how much I love you. The reality will always prevail. Love is not enough. Love is not enough. I reach the same conclusion. Again? No. Always. Just the matter of me seeing it. Both seeing it. I want to rest.

The weather is sad here. Nice breeze. Amazing view. Clean and neat. Luxurious. Simple. People are so friendly and helpful. We had a walk past midnight after we arrived. Dressed up simple and classy. Went food shopping and we choose the best quality products. Made me smile. And realize, that this is a trait. A gene. But still it is sad smile.

...i would say how much i miss this presence in my life and situation. But I can't. ...i would say how many times i space out with my thinking in many situation and know that it would be different had this presence been here. But it is high expectation. ...i would have a home to go back to, feel supported and secured in the midst of any day-to-day encounters... knowing I have someone with him i shed off all my masks and knows me well without explaining. But proves impossible. ...i would play and giggle. dream and plan. progress and move steadily. according to god's plan and orders. soul level. supported by this presence. But it is hard. ...we would talk and talk. discuss and discuss. learn and unlearn. teach and receive. smile in awe. in appreciation. of one another's opinion and sharing. But is never attained. ...we would share share share. listen listen listen. understand and empathize. contain and hug to rest and include. silently affirm and invite to a safe shore to cry...

It is beyond the world of 0's and 1's. So they told us. Promised an out of this world connection when the 21 was given and the essential 1 was trusted. Sometimes when the channel is opened. The longing is present. The truth is apparent. The whole world is presented. And you have to trust what you see and feel. It is an ability. To reach you wherever you are. When the need calls for. Just expand it. Forget the blame and go beyond the seen. Reach for the code that once served as a sign. You find it all. Is this a sign? Maybe. But we do not have to interpret it more than it can endure. I smile. And maybe wonder in awe from the ability. Diminish it to my mental ability. Mind. But deep down. In the corner of the map. The legend says: it is the heart that masters all this game. But I once again ignore. And attribute it to the sight tracing the 21. and not the 1? The 1 is not to be traced. You only trace what is away. You only trace what is outside. But I also for sure learnt to let a...

- The topic of inflation has been dominating me recently since the Greenspan book. It is affecting my routine, but asserting my previous thoughts and inner attitude. Today I parked my car away from MJ, my hairdresser. Why? Because I used to give the valet 5 pounds for taking my car and parking it, when I could do that myself. I always thought when giving him the 5 pounds that this was way too much for the service you are giving me. I was not happy, but its the price of the showy people, and I dont want to pay less than any other woman going up there. Why? EGO. But recently I decided what the hack? I start giving 2 pounds as I used to do. Why over pay? And I endure the look from Rizk. The nubian guy. But why would I over price the mediocre service. Why let them get used to getting high pay for a effortless job? And recently, all the valet guys are Nubian? Is that part of the 5 pounds I am paying? Being served by those people colour? - My mother's house doorman has these 2 boys who ...

I dont wanna talk About the things we have gone through Though its hurting me Now its history I have played all my cards And thats what you have done too Nothing more to say No more ace to play The winner takes it all The loser standing small Beside the victory Thats her destiny I was in your arms Thinking I belonged there I figured it made sense Building me a fence Building me a home Thinking I would be strong there But I was a fool Playing by the rules The gods may throw a dice Their minds as cold as ice And someone way down here Loses someone dear Its simple and its plain Why should I complain. But tell me does she kiss Like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same When she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside You must know I miss you But what can I say Rules must be obeyed The judges will decide The likes of me abide Spectators of the show Always staying low The game is on again A lover or a friend A big thing or a small The winner takes it all I dont wanna talk If it makes you ...

It is a dominant feeling. At times dormant, at others alive. So alive. A constant feeling of suffocation. A look forward to simply leave. To be able to breathe. Feel the expansion. Not sure what is stopping me. Has nothing to do with being ungrateful, or less loving, or whatever accusation. It has all to do with level of comfort. But the question is: leave to where?

You smile. Laugh. Eat. Say stories. Share..... but when they look away, down to their plates, and in the midst of your laughs and giggling,.... you find yourself look away. with the corner of your heart. to this place. to this face. to those moments...... and weep. remove the tear. of course the laughing tears. to them. but to you.... you immediately know you are not happy. and also realize that you were not happy there too. only clinging to a projection that has no existance only in your imagination. and between the reality and the projection, you reject both. need neither. and you find yourself excusing yourself to go wash your face. and you keep on weeping. and the more you wipe away the tears, endless come out again. look in the mirror, and force a smile. you do not even perfect it because the fans are too naiive to see the reality. to pierce and recognize. they just are content with the mask. and it is not even a good mask. but this is their ability. and this is the cheap price yo...

It is a realization..... no matter how you clean the room. rid of all the garbage and unneeded. lick it clean. it has a capacity. question is... what is wrong with changing the room?

' ...some spend a lifetime embracing their pains. they know that no matter how or how much they share, no one will care or understand. they are too sensitive to accept interest without sincerity, and too proud to accept sympathy without comprehension. ' Annonymous said. indeed no one will understand. even if they care. some of us has special nature. need certain attention. long for particular recognition. not to praise them. not to worship them. not even to fear them and do what they would like. out of fear. and maybe love. some are very sensitive to all that 'fakeness'. in a better mode, i will say 'inability'. they just are different. i am not sure where the line is drawn between acceptance and letting go AND doing an effort to bring people closer! i personally tried. almost all my life. starting from my family. the closest clan. to understand. to see things my way. did not work. i tried again. explained my way. how i like things. where i come from. how i sens...

I feel emotionally drained to the max. Inability to connect. Can not seem to want any company or connection. I think it is a 'scorpio' state, that even Medhat Saleh yesterday was not in the mood. The concert was energy-less, which is not a scorpio thing by any means unless irritated. I did not enjoy it much. I was irritated. And wished for a good relaxed time with something I enjoy: Live plays and concerts. But it was not it. Do not want to say that I am disappointed. I am not. I just wanted to load-off. With a perfect cool air yesterday. I drove there while listening to music and sipping my coffee. Slowly. SLowly. I was not super excited, nor was bored. This state... Wanting to enjoy. The opera was nice and I was feeling very balanced. Just not wanting to talk. Or even able to listen to anyone talk to me or engage in any conversation. I throw myself on the floor and sat waiting. Did not move much until the 1 hour of music was concluded. Hardly uttered a word. My mind was actua...

I heard you. This is your voice. Your words. Full of everything that the three of us only know. And how can I not recognize it and respond with endless tears when every breath carrying the words scratches the heart deep. Squeeze it hard. Very hard. Reaching places only opened through this sacred code. While looking me in the eye. Mirroring the pain and maybe the pleasure. Of us. Asking me to allow us feel the mix together. I, lost in the feeling and in figuring out the way, you say it again. Stronger this time. Deeper that way. Asserting the places. Our places.

I do know what I miss and I brush aside with the low expectation, give-up attitude.... It is a silent company. A totally connected silent company. And to find someone to do that with you is almost impossible. I miss that feeling yesterday and left in search for it at Starbucks and Diwan, and during my ride there. Refusing any company that is asking for a normal right. But I refuse. Gently or sharply. Does not matter. The suffocation is not in the breath, it is in the weight I carry. Of my accumulated heaviness of myself and the other. Of the.... choice Previously, I would look forward to that company/feeling because I know it exists. Now, I feel stuck with my choice, that I know that a compromise had been made. And the first item to give-up was the 'company' and all the comfort associated with that dynamics. I justify the refusal to include with my need for space-- and for any invented lie. It is funny, but I see myself escaping again. Just not feeling comfortable. Regarding t...

It could be that I have been recieving this far away calls and whispers since more than 2 weeks. I recognize the calls. I know from where it comes, from this very familiar source. It arrives so vivid and clear to a degree that I could never miss even if I wanted to. It leaves me no choice but to receive and sit silently with the voice. I have nothing to say or respond. A small prayer might do. A prayer in no particular direction. At times positive direction. At others...... I just receive the galloping part gently and welcoming. Letting it join me silently to share the inner loneliness. And leave whenever it wants. I welcome it because it leaves always a trace of pain that reminds me life. In my heart, I know the thoughts will one day stop coming. Not for anything, but the sender and receiver will be too deviated from the signal.

I guess I am annoyed. That's why I drove after breakfast to Starbucks for coffee. The weather irritates me. There is a smell in me that annoyes me. Maybe the perfume is annoying. Well, could be. But i was pulling my legs to go. Did not want to stay, and did not want to leave. But I did. Must. After a long traffic jam, I parked. Went inside. I stood in a long line. I looked like an alien. I can tell people where looking to me. I stare to the front. Waited in the line but could not stand still. I go back and forth. I do not even know what I want to drink. Cant drink coffee. They dont have anything else. No juice. Water? No. What? what? What? I actually do not want anything. Why am I here? No clue. There are like 4 infront of me. Telling her about her dentist appointment she just had. Irritating. I accidently made a stupid eye contact with a freak.... and he kept staring... UFFF... Not today please. My turn coming... but I leave. i dont want to stay there. Too crowded. Too noisy. Too ...

I did all these choices for this to happen.... and when it happened.... I feel so much pain!!!! Wish I never wanted it. No wonder the deep feeling of regret that I cant hide. He is happy, but for sure I am not. The thing is Haal, that no one changes for anyones sake. People can pretend, can fake it, can even sincerely try to do what you like, but once the pressure is off, everything returns back to its origin place. When there is no need, there is no attempt. And you cant have someone do what is not in his/her nature. and even when he does do it, it is not natural and I feel indebted or been done a favour. If I left it undone, I get annoyed. Not sure what to do. I know I am hard to please because of the very particular nature of mine, but I just really does not ask anyone to change. But at least dont pretend. Not that I get disappointed, or have expectations, I really dont. It is just I dont want to disrespect. If you pretend once to change, I will immediately put you on the watch list...

اغار من قلبي اذا هام برؤياك و كيف اغار و قلبي لم ينساك اني بشوق متي الايام تجمعنا واسعد فؤادي بقرب من محياكي اهيم فيك و نار سسسسسس وقلبي يخفق بالشواق ناداكي Beautiful song I tuned into it coming home. The music is amazing. Just Oud. No other instruments. I had to record bits of it on my cell to remember. Seems like when you tune into the oldies, they call come rushing to you. Indeed Music is Amazing. Last year during Ramadan, Mahmud Sa3d had a program that had an amazing song and touching music by Fayrouz. Something about the 'Night'. Could not remember it til now.

I picked his CD from Diwan. A broken copy. I opened it and tried it to see the voice clarity. A. was concerned of the sound quality. I smile, fianlly someone more detailed oriented than myself.... well, not particularly good all the time. The details annoy me at times if it is something I want, so to heaven with the details and analysis, What the heck I just wanted it; and second because I am becoming a bit of a bigger picture WITH the detailed one. Brilliant Mix I must say! And... I got the CD. A. insisted that we test it, and I did. The quality was not good and that I loved. I can detect the scratching, and squeezing of the old gramaphone needle, and that what I wanted. Something to transfer me to that old time. To Monsieur Madgy, my physics professor who I adored, singing to us one day at school (8th grade), Mounira el Mahdeya and we laughing and he being serious. I remember that I went home that day asking tons of questions about this lady, and totally in love with the agnoy and sa...

Over dinner and a cup of Choclate Mint and apple crumble I had an interesting conversation a while back. I did not participate much other than in asking questions to clarify and understand more of the theories. I am not so much interested in economics as theories, but more and more interested in investments and linking everyhing together. This is what intrigues me. The exact theory of economics I dont grasp and usually escape from. However, its history and the 'watching' of it, interest me. I am still naiive in that, but I am getting to understand. More and more dig into it whenever I find some person who's able to trigger me into thinking 'economics'. I wonder why not since I am a big fan of numbers and curves; relations; and relations. THroughout my life, 2 persons only were able to catch my attention in that direction. Both think alike to some degree, but I have to admit, one is more longer planner than the other. I suppose because of the nature of the job. Both ...

When you look in the mirror and only see a remains of someone you used to recognize. When you not look again because you do not want to recognize. The recongition had brought you endless wells depth of pain and sadness more than you ever wanted. You run away from the recognizing. Hide the immediately tears in the eyes and ignore. Be indifferent. Not to anyone. This is a year old stage. But be indifferent to yourself. This is the new one. I never thought I can do that. And I really did not. It just creeps on you. A must-do stage else you will kill yourself. The thought visited a lot.... so this was the counter reaction. The mercy hand that extends to transform you to the indifferent type to save you. And it did. In so doing, it brings the end to everything. Tighten the fuel so that the flame burns less. saving you from burning yourself because people like me do that all the time.. But since this is life, we learn from our mistakes. But people like us dont learn. If they learn this means...

It is hard to describe it this time. And was hard to describe the time before. And I am sure the time after. I know this feeling. When you know you are watching yourself being distant from yourself. Not fighting anything as before. Just silently delving into this space of yours at the end of the day. Avoiding all what is happening in the corridors and the wide huge area outside. Just saying what will get you to pass by any situation or topic. When you know longer fight for placing a poker face, to normally have one. Avoid. Reserve. Avoid. Diffuse. Hide but never seek. Say no opinion in any general conversation. Preserve. You look to everyone and just wish they never stop talking lest they ask for what you think. And you know that you think nothing because you are actually outside this life already. Not interested and not you. But just doing that for any sign of life. I stop pleasing. I stop contributing. Fighting or even saying what I want. I am not sure what happened. I just am feelin...

Any one got the book عزازيل? I will start it this week. Any recommendation for a good book. Any one reading or read lateral thinking? I recommend the monk who sold his ferrari... Never mind the naive narration, but the idea is good. can be a tip book.

I am sure that the egyptian government did not think about the possibilities they might have from the Letter/Number combination. But honestly they dont need to. It is already done in other arab countries and for sure all over the US and Canada. My concern or sarcasm or maybe curiosity started with the translation of the letters. It did trigger me. Why the translation? Apart from the insignificance of this translation, also comes with it the limitation in mapping of the letter to numbers. NOt sure what is the benefit. First it does not show and second it wont be written in the license, even if it will be, it wont be recorded in the ticket. On the practical level, apart from the big picture thinkers guys I am surrounded with, the possibilites are not huge. There are a max of 17M combination that might not be enough in 10 years. So illiminating couple of letters (6 at least) will affect. Also the letters that will be illiminated are nice ones. I personally love the ز and the ظ and wished ...

It was as if every element but my own nature had contributed to create this life. Who had made the marriage decision? who had desired the children? I could remember the first impetus, the first choice, the first desire for these, and how they came to be. I, guided by my own background, habits, blindness in regard to my own desires, had made all this and then lived in it, but it had not been made out of the deeper element of my own nature. I am indeed a stranger in it. Just a stranger! And my own nature is still imprisoned.

I have not had a haircut since a long time. Not sure why. Maybe because I was already losing a lot since 2 months. Tons of it. Just a hope that I will not look bald. This is the worst wave of hair loss since a long while. Everytime I go to Paul, I look at the basin or the floor and I see my hair covering the floor. The car seat, all covered with hair. I actually got a bit sad. The hair is falling from the roots. Are you tired? Depressed? Not eating well? They would ask. And I say no. All is good. I guess!!! Externally at the least. A. got me this nice hair cooler from Rene furtere. Amazing. I ran it on the skulp and it refreshed it. However, the hair continue. Maybe it is just the change of weather here. Starting to be cool. At any rates, I decided to go have a hair cut. I did. Chez Paul. The french quebicoise! Really sweet guy. Gay? I dont know. But his hands smelled so manish with cigarette. Oh well, the french and the smoking. Dressed up so neat and simple. Hair very short. Wide lov...

The weather here is starting to be great. Cool and refreshing. Brings back the elegance and serenity from deep inside. The smell that is discrete but so vivid to me. Only. I stood in that place and let the vent hit me. I heard it whispering. Softly and gently. Words that made my heart soar. I knew and remember this feeling. Confused how can someone be addictive to pain. I guess for this pain I had been searching. Even as a kid. It is interesting. So, I took my car and drove around. It is clean and smelling nice. I found myself passing by so many old places and this soaring returned. And I started narrating to her some stories from the past. I smiled and started, 'I guess it all started with Monsieur Sayed' our bus driver.' The blue autobus touring cairo. I was the first to come in, and almost the last to get out. He took me places. Sitting alone towards the end of the bus. Eating a sandwitch that I kept with me while sitting alone on the coach after almost everyone leaving....

I do not know how to start. But there are this thing that is limping inside me. Wanting to come but I force it to go inside and remain there. A consistent insistence to float. I keep telling it that it is not time yet. Simmer more. But it is when I see him that I get touched. Maybe because he loves me dearly and deeply. More than anyone else around. In a very mature way. Maybe because he does look like me in many things. This standing-up look and deep sensitivity. Absorbing eyes. Very refined and deeply elegance. I love him when he hugs me and calls me with 'my Nickname'. Keeps telling me that he loves me. Bought me a present and made me tons of cards when I was sick. His eyes paniced when he knew the news. And he was silence. Kept inquiring in a shy scared way. Very sincere. I actually love him a lot. I see myself in him all the time. I do hug him dearly and love him when he is excited. I love his arguments. His wisdom. His connection to things. His judgement. What he says. ve...

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So no more Shoubra, crazy guy spitting on my passenger car window, following car plates, bonding with Doudiz.... But it is better!