A Message from within

And I thought I am stubborn. Good news is: I am not that stubborn. Bad news is: Someone is. The result is I found myself whenever presenting any idea I have to negotiate my way through. It is always 'refused' and I go on trying to convince. And I end up not convincing partly because I get very uncomfortable and give up. In other cases, I found myself working through a very strict, thin, specific requirements that suffocate me. What do I do? I let go.

Not sure why would I waste sometime write about him. I am not sure. Maybe because he is interesting. Maybe because he annoys me and provoke the sarcasm part of me wanting to pick on him everytime he comes in to do his Bullshit acts. Not sure. But indeed because I just have some time to waste and getting it out maybe help me advance towards my 2009 resolution faster. I dont know :) Failing to see the good side of him. I JUDGE him as a bluff. Total bluffer. Which is actually ok to be a bluffer. These are the people who make it high. Is that TRUE? GOD no. Not really. Well, my issue with him is that I dont trust him. Is that my issue? Well, ehm... it is that I do not trust him AND dont respect him AND ....hehe it shows. How can I hide? I do not. I even say it and it is reflected in every gesture of me. I do not deny it. I am not convinced of him on most.... most? well, ALL levels. Are you that of a black and white person? No no no.. dont get me wrong.... he (cross my heart and hands and le...

It has been so long. Absolutely so long. Since? Since you wrote of course. Well not exactly did I mean that. No. It has been so long since I connected with it. This is what I meant. Even at the very time of 'angryness' or disappointements I just accept to believe someone outside. To accept as a sign of something. Whatever this something I know it is fake. But as if that everytime this happens, I smile. In realization that unless you gain it inside, everyome will bypass and invade. Invade to erode not to erect. And this is a reality of realization. Or maybe the realization of reality. No matter what they say, it is this scenario that will happen. The more space you allow, the more forward they will proceed.

What's the pleasure in the between status that captivates them? They seem to not be able to live a full one life. Always one life ahead. I think it is the story of their lives. Not totally in the state. Not sure what they are really trying to do? Squeeze in more time or take a time out? I really have no clue. I watch them screwing one thing after the other; turning best moments to funerals. When they think wind is in their back, one of them just cuts the sail off. Under any name. Varying from divine presence, to Vatican memorial, to the lost library, to the spanish bull games. You really can not follow the logic there. And everytime you just fall in the same trap again. Accept. Accept to any negating thoughts. Accept to be a bridge to be passed over to the next. When they install a toll station on the bridge..... suddenly it found itself isolated. Oh well. It is a bridge after all. It will always remain there. Whoever want to cross, has to pay. Disappointed? Not really. Not at all....

And it was not good as we planned. As I wished it to be. It was a day. Only once throughout the past 4 years that it passed well. Ticked with passionate watch to remind me of the feeling, and us with the passing time; to be followed after that by a ticking separation and distance by the year. This time I wished it was different. I was hoping it to be different. Planned for a nice get-away by the sea and mountains; to sink in and enjoy and to forget everything.. We did but only to wake up on a deeper distance; an inability to connect; to find the energy to let go and bring the two wandering souls together. We failed to do that. And it hurts. But I expected it. We hike and hike, the steep mountain but fail to enjoy the little valley. And it hurts.

Will they combine together? Bring the 2 homes together. I wait for the time when we can start. We. I had already started :)

And I kept changing the top and Jackets. From brown safari jacket with big belt. To B&W checked long Jacket. Short brown jacket. I kept changing and changing. I do not feel comfortable. I want to dress elegant but at the same time I can not tolerate any layers. I felt suffocating. Maybe because it was so humid outside. Maybe because the house seemed so confusing. Scattered things here and there. Maybe. I do not really know. I took all off. Wore a stripped blouse. No ear rings. No perfume. No makeup. No bag. Money and credit card in my pocket. I just put on the blouse, pants, comfortable shoes and rushed outside. Sometimes I rebel aganist dress code. I hate this concept. To tell me what to wear. TO force me to wear certain style. Why not leave it up to me to dress how I like and feel comfortable. If meeting client, I sure know what to wear but if working in the office that day, why not let me dress the way I feel. Too many restrictions annoy me. So I discover. 'I am not cut to w...

Yesterday WAS a dream. No. No. No. It was not a dream. It is our reality. US .

I have conquered a man least conqureable. But I also know the limits of my power, and I know what it takes to answer the demands of him. He has loved me; I am his love. I have had all I could have of him, the most secret layers of his being, such words, such feelings, such looks, such caressess... I have felt him exultant in my love, passionate, possessive, jealous. I have grown on him, not bodily, but like a vision. What does he remember so vividly of our moments together? That afternoon. That afternoon when he was taken by the sense of living in a fairy tale, with a veil between himself and me. Me the very real. The very Me. And the very him. I crave for him. Only him. I want to live with him, be free with him, suffer with him. Phrases from his letter haunt me. Yet I have doubts about our love. I fear my impetuosity. I follow him with my soul, I enter into his feelings as he wanders through his wide streets, I partake of his breathing, his desires. I think his thoughts Everything in ...

And my Alex was intended to be a 'megalopolis'. Created in the shape of what is called a chlamys , a macedonian military cloak, with walls that would strech endlessly into the distance, streets wider than any yet seen. An ideal city. Laid in such a way as to benefit from sea breezes yet providing shelter from the wind. Aristotle will call my alex so. A library. A lighthouse. When the originial founder, Alexandre, died his generals quarrelled on who to lead it. As if Alexandria refused to be led by anyone but the original leader, my alex split. But it was for its learning and teaching that my alex was chiefly known. The library was built there, dedicated to the muses. From the start, the plan for my alex was not like any other. Bigger than elsewhere. Authentic. Different. Original. Created with a purpose. And it got tired. From the greed and selfishness spreading everywhere. The endless fights to obtain it and control it. Naively or kindly or even dignified as my alex had st...

It was supposed to be the 'us' only. Because we both know how uncomfortable we are together, how the vacation can end up 'ugly', N. and K, A. and M. were secretly invited to join us here. Amazing. They all went downstairs for breakfast, and I stayed here. In bed. Ordered breakfast in the room. Still in my PJ, having breakfast. Sipping coffee while looking at the huge fenetre overlooking the beautiful serpentine alleys all around me. Adding to the feeling of an endless passage of life. Then, rushing like crazy maniacs to shopping in a mall 1 hour away from here. What if I do not want to? And I dont want to. Instead of spending time in the beautiful weather, slacking in the street, reading and drinking coffee, watching people, they want to imprison me inside printemps and lafayette. Why? I wont do it. And without fighting, I left a note that I am going to cafe paul. To meet me there at 5 pm. And I sneaked out. Took a bus and walked the rest. Sitting in the cool weather wa...

Hard to not remember you when here. Very hard. Not for anything but that you would probably like it. Probably. Although it became very hard for me to visualize how you would react now to these things if you had a chance to see it. Probably silent. But anyways.... Who am I to judge. All I could do, after days of hesitation, was to send a belated greeting. In respect to the memory of the many conversations and dusted dreams that were torn away and thrown in the little neat garbage that carried similar papers, 'things i like to do' list written on a yellow paper lined with red; calendar paper carrying a smily face... and much more. All deemed trivial when a choice was to be made. I watched them selling fresh fruits. Tomatoes. Herbs. Walking. Sailing. Enjoying and more importantly living in the the endless simple natural scenes that became part of their lives. Engraved in its nature. Infused in their attitude of love to beauty and simplicity. Allowing the 'Lovers walks' to...

- ...how it is to 'try' to care and show love and support, a duty... and when it comes natural. Very different. Pretend to listen and show interest, when you just do it to keep a conversation and break the always uncomfortable silence, that for sure unleash the self-consciousness and checking. Very apparent. Even in the most beautiful places that you love. - ...how it is to be able to hug someone to sleep and wake-up in still in each other's hug, and how it feels when it is a duty. It does take a real lovers to do it. To be totally at ease. Totally comfortable. Totally wanting to stay there. Even when feeling uncomfortable, you would want to endure the pain and wait silently, while looking to the beautiful sleeping face, until they naturally change positions. And when they ask you if you are in pain, you deny and smile. And continue the hug. - ...how it is to find someone who really loves you and understands you. Interested in you..... and when you or him is just another f...

Is it the crave for connection that is keeping you up tonight; urging you to come here to read me; bored? Am I entertaining you? or is it just an attempt to connect? But why? And I am sure you are here. Now. I just know it. Funny? Scary? But it is true. I can see you beyond this page. I know I did not make it yet to your 'favourites'. But I feel it when you google 'a message from within'. Click the first link to come to me. And I wont sleep unless you do. Please go sleep.

I am frightened because i have realised the full extent of my imprisonment. He has fostered my love for solitude.

The night seems so long. Sleepless. I pulled the mattress to the floor. Placed it in the balcony. Sleeping on my back while watching the dark sky. Full of stars. All so vivid and shiny. Glittering and sending me signals. I stare while lying there. Wrapped up in the fluffy blanket. Hugging the pillow. Feeling the warmth of the company coming in. I look and see the moon. A full cresent. Rising up by the minute. Peeking at me and reminding me of nights I stayed out talking and sharing. Witnessing good and sad time. Happy and agnoized heart. I feel the warmth in the cool breezed night. Between the mountains. Full sky. Stars and planets. Understanding moon. Encouraging and supporting. Triggering and asking me to let it all out. I did. Been so long. Since I witnessed all that and let myself connect. Been so long. Have not wished to connect. The dryness and sadness dried my heart and squeezed it to the last drop. Swept away all the security and hope. Far and away. I wished to be seen. Empathi...

Sad. Confused. Lonely. Bright. Productive. Practical. Robot. Mechanical Emotionless. Cynical. Agnoizing Wondering. This ache is depriving. Drilling and soaring. Love does not liberate us. It is no matter how much I keep saying how much I love you. The reality will always prevail. Love is not enough. Love is not enough. I reach the same conclusion. Again? No. Always. Just the matter of me seeing it. Both seeing it. I want to rest.

The weather is sad here. Nice breeze. Amazing view. Clean and neat. Luxurious. Simple. People are so friendly and helpful. We had a walk past midnight after we arrived. Dressed up simple and classy. Went food shopping and we choose the best quality products. Made me smile. And realize, that this is a trait. A gene. But still it is sad smile.

...i would say how much i miss this presence in my life and situation. But I can't. ...i would say how many times i space out with my thinking in many situation and know that it would be different had this presence been here. But it is high expectation. ...i would have a home to go back to, feel supported and secured in the midst of any day-to-day encounters... knowing I have someone with him i shed off all my masks and knows me well without explaining. But proves impossible. ...i would play and giggle. dream and plan. progress and move steadily. according to god's plan and orders. soul level. supported by this presence. But it is hard. ...we would talk and talk. discuss and discuss. learn and unlearn. teach and receive. smile in awe. in appreciation. of one another's opinion and sharing. But is never attained. ...we would share share share. listen listen listen. understand and empathize. contain and hug to rest and include. silently affirm and invite to a safe shore to cry...

It is beyond the world of 0's and 1's. So they told us. Promised an out of this world connection when the 21 was given and the essential 1 was trusted. Sometimes when the channel is opened. The longing is present. The truth is apparent. The whole world is presented. And you have to trust what you see and feel. It is an ability. To reach you wherever you are. When the need calls for. Just expand it. Forget the blame and go beyond the seen. Reach for the code that once served as a sign. You find it all. Is this a sign? Maybe. But we do not have to interpret it more than it can endure. I smile. And maybe wonder in awe from the ability. Diminish it to my mental ability. Mind. But deep down. In the corner of the map. The legend says: it is the heart that masters all this game. But I once again ignore. And attribute it to the sight tracing the 21. and not the 1? The 1 is not to be traced. You only trace what is away. You only trace what is outside. But I also for sure learnt to let a...

- The topic of inflation has been dominating me recently since the Greenspan book. It is affecting my routine, but asserting my previous thoughts and inner attitude. Today I parked my car away from MJ, my hairdresser. Why? Because I used to give the valet 5 pounds for taking my car and parking it, when I could do that myself. I always thought when giving him the 5 pounds that this was way too much for the service you are giving me. I was not happy, but its the price of the showy people, and I dont want to pay less than any other woman going up there. Why? EGO. But recently I decided what the hack? I start giving 2 pounds as I used to do. Why over pay? And I endure the look from Rizk. The nubian guy. But why would I over price the mediocre service. Why let them get used to getting high pay for a effortless job? And recently, all the valet guys are Nubian? Is that part of the 5 pounds I am paying? Being served by those people colour? - My mother's house doorman has these 2 boys who ...

I dont wanna talk About the things we have gone through Though its hurting me Now its history I have played all my cards And thats what you have done too Nothing more to say No more ace to play The winner takes it all The loser standing small Beside the victory Thats her destiny I was in your arms Thinking I belonged there I figured it made sense Building me a fence Building me a home Thinking I would be strong there But I was a fool Playing by the rules The gods may throw a dice Their minds as cold as ice And someone way down here Loses someone dear Its simple and its plain Why should I complain. But tell me does she kiss Like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same When she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside You must know I miss you But what can I say Rules must be obeyed The judges will decide The likes of me abide Spectators of the show Always staying low The game is on again A lover or a friend A big thing or a small The winner takes it all I dont wanna talk If it makes you ...

It is a dominant feeling. At times dormant, at others alive. So alive. A constant feeling of suffocation. A look forward to simply leave. To be able to breathe. Feel the expansion. Not sure what is stopping me. Has nothing to do with being ungrateful, or less loving, or whatever accusation. It has all to do with level of comfort. But the question is: leave to where?

You smile. Laugh. Eat. Say stories. Share..... but when they look away, down to their plates, and in the midst of your laughs and giggling,.... you find yourself look away. with the corner of your heart. to this place. to this face. to those moments...... and weep. remove the tear. of course the laughing tears. to them. but to you.... you immediately know you are not happy. and also realize that you were not happy there too. only clinging to a projection that has no existance only in your imagination. and between the reality and the projection, you reject both. need neither. and you find yourself excusing yourself to go wash your face. and you keep on weeping. and the more you wipe away the tears, endless come out again. look in the mirror, and force a smile. you do not even perfect it because the fans are too naiive to see the reality. to pierce and recognize. they just are content with the mask. and it is not even a good mask. but this is their ability. and this is the cheap price yo...

It is a realization..... no matter how you clean the room. rid of all the garbage and unneeded. lick it clean. it has a capacity. question is... what is wrong with changing the room?

' ...some spend a lifetime embracing their pains. they know that no matter how or how much they share, no one will care or understand. they are too sensitive to accept interest without sincerity, and too proud to accept sympathy without comprehension. ' Annonymous said. indeed no one will understand. even if they care. some of us has special nature. need certain attention. long for particular recognition. not to praise them. not to worship them. not even to fear them and do what they would like. out of fear. and maybe love. some are very sensitive to all that 'fakeness'. in a better mode, i will say 'inability'. they just are different. i am not sure where the line is drawn between acceptance and letting go AND doing an effort to bring people closer! i personally tried. almost all my life. starting from my family. the closest clan. to understand. to see things my way. did not work. i tried again. explained my way. how i like things. where i come from. how i sens...

I feel emotionally drained to the max. Inability to connect. Can not seem to want any company or connection. I think it is a 'scorpio' state, that even Medhat Saleh yesterday was not in the mood. The concert was energy-less, which is not a scorpio thing by any means unless irritated. I did not enjoy it much. I was irritated. And wished for a good relaxed time with something I enjoy: Live plays and concerts. But it was not it. Do not want to say that I am disappointed. I am not. I just wanted to load-off. With a perfect cool air yesterday. I drove there while listening to music and sipping my coffee. Slowly. SLowly. I was not super excited, nor was bored. This state... Wanting to enjoy. The opera was nice and I was feeling very balanced. Just not wanting to talk. Or even able to listen to anyone talk to me or engage in any conversation. I throw myself on the floor and sat waiting. Did not move much until the 1 hour of music was concluded. Hardly uttered a word. My mind was actua...

I heard you. This is your voice. Your words. Full of everything that the three of us only know. And how can I not recognize it and respond with endless tears when every breath carrying the words scratches the heart deep. Squeeze it hard. Very hard. Reaching places only opened through this sacred code. While looking me in the eye. Mirroring the pain and maybe the pleasure. Of us. Asking me to allow us feel the mix together. I, lost in the feeling and in figuring out the way, you say it again. Stronger this time. Deeper that way. Asserting the places. Our places.

I do know what I miss and I brush aside with the low expectation, give-up attitude.... It is a silent company. A totally connected silent company. And to find someone to do that with you is almost impossible. I miss that feeling yesterday and left in search for it at Starbucks and Diwan, and during my ride there. Refusing any company that is asking for a normal right. But I refuse. Gently or sharply. Does not matter. The suffocation is not in the breath, it is in the weight I carry. Of my accumulated heaviness of myself and the other. Of the.... choice Previously, I would look forward to that company/feeling because I know it exists. Now, I feel stuck with my choice, that I know that a compromise had been made. And the first item to give-up was the 'company' and all the comfort associated with that dynamics. I justify the refusal to include with my need for space-- and for any invented lie. It is funny, but I see myself escaping again. Just not feeling comfortable. Regarding t...

It could be that I have been recieving this far away calls and whispers since more than 2 weeks. I recognize the calls. I know from where it comes, from this very familiar source. It arrives so vivid and clear to a degree that I could never miss even if I wanted to. It leaves me no choice but to receive and sit silently with the voice. I have nothing to say or respond. A small prayer might do. A prayer in no particular direction. At times positive direction. At others...... I just receive the galloping part gently and welcoming. Letting it join me silently to share the inner loneliness. And leave whenever it wants. I welcome it because it leaves always a trace of pain that reminds me life. In my heart, I know the thoughts will one day stop coming. Not for anything, but the sender and receiver will be too deviated from the signal.

I guess I am annoyed. That's why I drove after breakfast to Starbucks for coffee. The weather irritates me. There is a smell in me that annoyes me. Maybe the perfume is annoying. Well, could be. But i was pulling my legs to go. Did not want to stay, and did not want to leave. But I did. Must. After a long traffic jam, I parked. Went inside. I stood in a long line. I looked like an alien. I can tell people where looking to me. I stare to the front. Waited in the line but could not stand still. I go back and forth. I do not even know what I want to drink. Cant drink coffee. They dont have anything else. No juice. Water? No. What? what? What? I actually do not want anything. Why am I here? No clue. There are like 4 infront of me. Telling her about her dentist appointment she just had. Irritating. I accidently made a stupid eye contact with a freak.... and he kept staring... UFFF... Not today please. My turn coming... but I leave. i dont want to stay there. Too crowded. Too noisy. Too ...

I did all these choices for this to happen.... and when it happened.... I feel so much pain!!!! Wish I never wanted it. No wonder the deep feeling of regret that I cant hide. He is happy, but for sure I am not. The thing is Haal, that no one changes for anyones sake. People can pretend, can fake it, can even sincerely try to do what you like, but once the pressure is off, everything returns back to its origin place. When there is no need, there is no attempt. And you cant have someone do what is not in his/her nature. and even when he does do it, it is not natural and I feel indebted or been done a favour. If I left it undone, I get annoyed. Not sure what to do. I know I am hard to please because of the very particular nature of mine, but I just really does not ask anyone to change. But at least dont pretend. Not that I get disappointed, or have expectations, I really dont. It is just I dont want to disrespect. If you pretend once to change, I will immediately put you on the watch list...

اغار من قلبي اذا هام برؤياك و كيف اغار و قلبي لم ينساك اني بشوق متي الايام تجمعنا واسعد فؤادي بقرب من محياكي اهيم فيك و نار سسسسسس وقلبي يخفق بالشواق ناداكي Beautiful song I tuned into it coming home. The music is amazing. Just Oud. No other instruments. I had to record bits of it on my cell to remember. Seems like when you tune into the oldies, they call come rushing to you. Indeed Music is Amazing. Last year during Ramadan, Mahmud Sa3d had a program that had an amazing song and touching music by Fayrouz. Something about the 'Night'. Could not remember it til now.

I picked his CD from Diwan. A broken copy. I opened it and tried it to see the voice clarity. A. was concerned of the sound quality. I smile, fianlly someone more detailed oriented than myself.... well, not particularly good all the time. The details annoy me at times if it is something I want, so to heaven with the details and analysis, What the heck I just wanted it; and second because I am becoming a bit of a bigger picture WITH the detailed one. Brilliant Mix I must say! And... I got the CD. A. insisted that we test it, and I did. The quality was not good and that I loved. I can detect the scratching, and squeezing of the old gramaphone needle, and that what I wanted. Something to transfer me to that old time. To Monsieur Madgy, my physics professor who I adored, singing to us one day at school (8th grade), Mounira el Mahdeya and we laughing and he being serious. I remember that I went home that day asking tons of questions about this lady, and totally in love with the agnoy and sa...

Over dinner and a cup of Choclate Mint and apple crumble I had an interesting conversation a while back. I did not participate much other than in asking questions to clarify and understand more of the theories. I am not so much interested in economics as theories, but more and more interested in investments and linking everyhing together. This is what intrigues me. The exact theory of economics I dont grasp and usually escape from. However, its history and the 'watching' of it, interest me. I am still naiive in that, but I am getting to understand. More and more dig into it whenever I find some person who's able to trigger me into thinking 'economics'. I wonder why not since I am a big fan of numbers and curves; relations; and relations. THroughout my life, 2 persons only were able to catch my attention in that direction. Both think alike to some degree, but I have to admit, one is more longer planner than the other. I suppose because of the nature of the job. Both ...

When you look in the mirror and only see a remains of someone you used to recognize. When you not look again because you do not want to recognize. The recongition had brought you endless wells depth of pain and sadness more than you ever wanted. You run away from the recognizing. Hide the immediately tears in the eyes and ignore. Be indifferent. Not to anyone. This is a year old stage. But be indifferent to yourself. This is the new one. I never thought I can do that. And I really did not. It just creeps on you. A must-do stage else you will kill yourself. The thought visited a lot.... so this was the counter reaction. The mercy hand that extends to transform you to the indifferent type to save you. And it did. In so doing, it brings the end to everything. Tighten the fuel so that the flame burns less. saving you from burning yourself because people like me do that all the time.. But since this is life, we learn from our mistakes. But people like us dont learn. If they learn this means...

It is hard to describe it this time. And was hard to describe the time before. And I am sure the time after. I know this feeling. When you know you are watching yourself being distant from yourself. Not fighting anything as before. Just silently delving into this space of yours at the end of the day. Avoiding all what is happening in the corridors and the wide huge area outside. Just saying what will get you to pass by any situation or topic. When you know longer fight for placing a poker face, to normally have one. Avoid. Reserve. Avoid. Diffuse. Hide but never seek. Say no opinion in any general conversation. Preserve. You look to everyone and just wish they never stop talking lest they ask for what you think. And you know that you think nothing because you are actually outside this life already. Not interested and not you. But just doing that for any sign of life. I stop pleasing. I stop contributing. Fighting or even saying what I want. I am not sure what happened. I just am feelin...

Any one got the book عزازيل? I will start it this week. Any recommendation for a good book. Any one reading or read lateral thinking? I recommend the monk who sold his ferrari... Never mind the naive narration, but the idea is good. can be a tip book.

I am sure that the egyptian government did not think about the possibilities they might have from the Letter/Number combination. But honestly they dont need to. It is already done in other arab countries and for sure all over the US and Canada. My concern or sarcasm or maybe curiosity started with the translation of the letters. It did trigger me. Why the translation? Apart from the insignificance of this translation, also comes with it the limitation in mapping of the letter to numbers. NOt sure what is the benefit. First it does not show and second it wont be written in the license, even if it will be, it wont be recorded in the ticket. On the practical level, apart from the big picture thinkers guys I am surrounded with, the possibilites are not huge. There are a max of 17M combination that might not be enough in 10 years. So illiminating couple of letters (6 at least) will affect. Also the letters that will be illiminated are nice ones. I personally love the ز and the ظ and wished ...

It was as if every element but my own nature had contributed to create this life. Who had made the marriage decision? who had desired the children? I could remember the first impetus, the first choice, the first desire for these, and how they came to be. I, guided by my own background, habits, blindness in regard to my own desires, had made all this and then lived in it, but it had not been made out of the deeper element of my own nature. I am indeed a stranger in it. Just a stranger! And my own nature is still imprisoned.

I have not had a haircut since a long time. Not sure why. Maybe because I was already losing a lot since 2 months. Tons of it. Just a hope that I will not look bald. This is the worst wave of hair loss since a long while. Everytime I go to Paul, I look at the basin or the floor and I see my hair covering the floor. The car seat, all covered with hair. I actually got a bit sad. The hair is falling from the roots. Are you tired? Depressed? Not eating well? They would ask. And I say no. All is good. I guess!!! Externally at the least. A. got me this nice hair cooler from Rene furtere. Amazing. I ran it on the skulp and it refreshed it. However, the hair continue. Maybe it is just the change of weather here. Starting to be cool. At any rates, I decided to go have a hair cut. I did. Chez Paul. The french quebicoise! Really sweet guy. Gay? I dont know. But his hands smelled so manish with cigarette. Oh well, the french and the smoking. Dressed up so neat and simple. Hair very short. Wide lov...

The weather here is starting to be great. Cool and refreshing. Brings back the elegance and serenity from deep inside. The smell that is discrete but so vivid to me. Only. I stood in that place and let the vent hit me. I heard it whispering. Softly and gently. Words that made my heart soar. I knew and remember this feeling. Confused how can someone be addictive to pain. I guess for this pain I had been searching. Even as a kid. It is interesting. So, I took my car and drove around. It is clean and smelling nice. I found myself passing by so many old places and this soaring returned. And I started narrating to her some stories from the past. I smiled and started, 'I guess it all started with Monsieur Sayed' our bus driver.' The blue autobus touring cairo. I was the first to come in, and almost the last to get out. He took me places. Sitting alone towards the end of the bus. Eating a sandwitch that I kept with me while sitting alone on the coach after almost everyone leaving....

I do not know how to start. But there are this thing that is limping inside me. Wanting to come but I force it to go inside and remain there. A consistent insistence to float. I keep telling it that it is not time yet. Simmer more. But it is when I see him that I get touched. Maybe because he loves me dearly and deeply. More than anyone else around. In a very mature way. Maybe because he does look like me in many things. This standing-up look and deep sensitivity. Absorbing eyes. Very refined and deeply elegance. I love him when he hugs me and calls me with 'my Nickname'. Keeps telling me that he loves me. Bought me a present and made me tons of cards when I was sick. His eyes paniced when he knew the news. And he was silence. Kept inquiring in a shy scared way. Very sincere. I actually love him a lot. I see myself in him all the time. I do hug him dearly and love him when he is excited. I love his arguments. His wisdom. His connection to things. His judgement. What he says. ve...

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So no more Shoubra, crazy guy spitting on my passenger car window, following car plates, bonding with Doudiz.... But it is better!

So the first deployment phase for the new plates had started. This phase's plates are starting ص أ X or س أ x, with the variation of the numbers after that. I have seen cars in Cairo, Mohandessen and even Shoubra (2 cars). All new plates have these variation. I once found 3 cars next to one another with same alpha combination with a different numeric. This I find amuzing! The second thing is I am now tracing how the translation of the letters from Arabic to english will work. A perfectionist, and detail oriented in trivial stuff I am, I am laughing in sarcasm over the faults they did because of the translation. 'Why did they translate?' I tell my brother. 'How will they account for خ for instance.. and becuase of this translation, the probabilites for plates variation will decrease.' As a big picture guy, he responded 'They have zillion of combinations. Does not matter.' But again, I am now keeping an account how will they use all the letters in translation....

And it ends to be from Starbucks. I am not a big fan of it. But it is downtown and close my apartment. 'Horton' is more for blue collars I think, but Starbucks is for the sophisticated. So A. goes to work and I go walk downtown. Weather nice and refreshing. Very encouraging. I go there and SB is empty. Perfect. After somewhile it starts to be packed. Not with high shots consultants or CEO who come to work here, but with tourists and some time wasters. A group of 6 chinese come leave everywhere and sit next to me. Screaming and scroutching Ni Na Haa YEeee. I got literally irritated. Well with the new medicine, I am 'accepting' more so I just smile and concentrate on finializing the document. Then a group of 3 egyptians, 2 girls and a guy come in. Loud and talking about a collegue of them and laughing. I actually wondered where they work. Must be close. But how come not at work now. A woman, heavy on brand that starts from the annoying LV bag, sunglasses, jeans, ISL belt,...

To be able to rest your head on someone's shoulder and remain silent. A gift. Trivial as it sounds. Not everyone can feel it.

This is my friend. Driving today back to my apartment I remembered him. Called him on his cell, and heard his voice giggling and calling me by my nick name. The minute I hear his voice I just smile. Amazing ability to simplify issues. He is my copy. Another scorpio. A friend since 92. Only friend I invited to my wedding. So, why I called him? I realized that with him I had the most of memories. I actually missed him. He would come next week to visit here. 'Downtown NY, Fall 2002. Subway to WTC to rollerblade. Last carriage empty but with both me and him. Looked at one another. Immediately started dancing like circus de soliel.' Snapshot never left. I fall on the floor from laughter. 'By the Hudson river, Summer 2002. We sharing the ipod earphones listening to Tori Amous while walking. An empty plastic bag moved out of the bushes. I screamed.' Snapshot. He still tease me with it till now. ' Pen. station. He coming to pick me up and offered to take my bag and laptop. ...

Now he is totally tamed. Or this is a stage? I don't really know. We met. Yesterday. Almost an annual routine. Last year, we met in May. Went to Laboudaga for drinks. Until past midnight we were there. Talking and talking. I mentioned a little about myself and was a master in tricking him to talk about himself. Was not hard at all. I know what clicks with him. But overall it was sad. Miserable in what he fought. Turned out that it was a complete failure. Well, I knew it would be 6 years ago. I was silence. I am not sure why I did not advise him. Yes I sure. He would not listen. He would listen to me the most during our long drives and travels. But I guess, I just did not want to force. Stubborn and ego but so damn fragile that I wont want to press hard. So I let him. Point taken aganist me, but now for me: I did not attend. It was my silent refusal. However, I later never opened the topic and treated the whole topic differently. After and before all, he was Abe. Someone with whom e...

و لسوف يعطيك ربك فترضي

Why am I angry at you? For simply imprisoning yourself in your own limitation and personality. For pretending. For the life stealing silence you adopted for years, and now embracing as a religion. For wasting our lives.

Dino's failure as a lover, and an artist, is a failure of empathy. He makes clumsy attempts to know Cecilia, even going so far as to visit her home and her family, but they all fail. Several times, he interrogates Cecilia, and tries to trick her into betraying something authentic about herself. After having sex with Cecilia, and failing to feel any sort of possession, Dino futilely tries to develop such a connection through conversation. At the end, he would ask her: "That was good, wasn't it?" "Yes, it was very good." "Very good or rather good?" "Very good." "Better than usual?" "Yes, perhaps better than usual." "Are you happy?" "Yes, I'm happy." "Do you love me?" "Yes, you know I love you." These were words I had used countless times, but never with a feeling so utterly desperate.

Indeed 'it is not how you pick your nose, it is where you put the booger that really counts.' How true. 'Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them'. But why would I care tell people how I think of them. Or even think of them in the first place. My problem is that it shows on my face without needing to utter a word. I have this tone or look or piercing energy that just leak. Currently I am working on 'Poker face' exercise. Not much progress but it is a must. ANY TIPS? 'If you can not convince them, confuse them.' That I do. Very well. Out of the simple conviction that I do not need to convince them. Leading by example, I cant be convienced, then, why would other be different. 'Half the people you know are below average... idiots.' Pretty much more than half. I know that. Including me if I sounded arrogant. 'We have been working on the basics because basically we have been having troubles wit the basics.' I at...

I am reading a little book about Hieroglyphs. I found it at the public library here. I was initially going for the Rosetta Stone interpretation and deciphering when i couldnt find it. So I resorted to this introduction. It is not bad at all. Some parts I skip. At times I wish to memorise the figures to know how to read when I am in the presence of the big temple back in egypt, but I comfort myself that I will anyway forget it by then. SO what is intriguing is the 'taking for granted' section about language and how we use it. In the egyptian language, it is different all together than english. They have dilemma where to put the sounds, or the description, and the letters itself. So the sentence has teh action, place, who does it and its voice. The last picture is the actual description. Very interesting. And the nile was the actual inspiration in everything they were doing. They way they designed the 'talk baloons' and the inscription like the river. All in straight hori...

There is something about nature that intrigues. The peaceful surroundings and the spacious landscape. Does make me comfortable. Everything in order and working within a system. With exact timings and prediction. It does make me at ease. Just that I do not have to worry about anything but the things that are important to me. GOing from one place to the other, finding a parking spot, worrying someone will invade my privacy,..endless worrying in our belligerent cairo. It can be challenging and exciting, but after a while, it just eats you up with its intemperance appetitie. Downtown. I am renting downtown starting next month. A little one bedroom. I like that one bedroom idea a lot. It reminds me of my little village back home. One is secluded but this one is right downtown. In a little corner. Old brick building. Spacious to my minute sense. Big windows and this was it for me. The window extends from almost the ceiling to just a little above my knees. How cool is that? Well..... I will p...