20 Sep 2008

N AND MORE

- The topic of inflation has been dominating me recently since the Greenspan book. It is affecting my routine, but asserting my previous thoughts and inner attitude. Today I parked my car away from MJ, my hairdresser. Why? Because I used to give the valet 5 pounds for taking my car and parking it, when I could do that myself. I always thought when giving him the 5 pounds that this was way too much for the service you are giving me. I was not happy, but its the price of the showy people, and I dont want to pay less than any other woman going up there. Why? EGO. But recently I decided what the hack? I start giving 2 pounds as I used to do. Why over pay? And I endure the look from Rizk. The nubian guy. But why would I over price the mediocre service. Why let them get used to getting high pay for a effortless job? And recently, all the valet guys are Nubian? Is that part of the 5 pounds I am paying? Being served by those people colour?

- My mother's house doorman has these 2 boys who are serving the building. I liked them but would hardly talk to them. Always give them generous tips and deny them carrying my stuff. I feel akward. I do not talk much to them. But I think I do look scary because they would, even the father and mother, appear self conscious whenever I pass or comeup. They pay me certain attention that I dont see them doing to others. So, the little boy who whenever I say Hello, or how are you? He would mumble a word that I dont get. I feel so irritated. Why on earth is not he answering properly. So once I passed and said, 'Salamou alekoum.' He mumbled... so I turned to him and asked, 'what? What did you say?' He was red and said, 'wee 3alekum.' I gave him this look and a wicked smile and went up. Today, he was at the door waiting for someone. I did not want to greet him, but I felt bad ignoring him. So I said, 'Ezayak ya ahmed?' And here again he mumbled. I again, turned to him and said, 'What did you say?' and smiled. He said, 'al-hamd allah.' I smiled and told him that he speaks too fast. And you donot want to answer me. He denied. But he smiled. Well, I am not sure why he is too shy or afraid or whatever from me. I dont abuse him like the rest of the ppl including my mother. I fought with my mother when she asked him to take the garbage. I told him, 'do not do that.' And I took it down myself. Anyways, I will just resort to me having a serious, aggressive, sharp face when I am not smiling. Which I do. I do not smile much especially when they decide to clean the stairs at the time I am leaving to work. And I ask them to be consistent in the time they do that. Too much to ask from the doorman.

- N is cute. I actually was thinking that I do like her. We had a rough 1.5 years together. Between good and horrible times during which I gave her and the team a full-fledged dictatorship attitude. Pressing on them to the max. Now looking at that time, I was totally depending on their 'love' to me. And 'fear' from my modes and aggression too. At times abused that, but in all cases, felt that I need to do that. Why? Coming from me feeling superior and whoever is with me has to be different and dig down to his/her core. I do not accept BS and so should them. Not even from me. I am happy seeing her go and be a star of her own. And I am proud that she was in my team, and now among my list of whom I respect. The reason I smile everytime i remember how bad I was with them, I excuse myself by saying that I loved them actually without showing that to myself or them. And more, because I know when I love someone I push him/her (to the worst at times)... to be anything but an 'acceptor'; just another someone who can be easily overlooked of no value or glow. And whoever can endure me, I would arrogantly think, will spin-off to be good. Learn something not about what he/she does, but about what he/she can do. Is not it enough that they got along with my demands and attitude? I am not sure if this is part of my 'teacher' nature or more arrogantly, 'motherly' nature. Or simply, 'arrogance.'

And more and more, I know that I would do that to my kid. I will teach and love. Protect but wont spoil. Give him a hard time, because I see what he can do. Support to the end. And set him free. Try to show him the pleasure of freedom ; of tasting together the pleasure of simplicity. No matter how other sees it simple or trivial. In their eyes. But in our eyes, it is worth life. Worth the gift of being here.

- Went to book a ticket for this play at the opera. I went to the ticketing kiosk. It does not open until 9:30 and the play starts at 9:45. I thought this was stupid. What if I want to book a ticket for the other day, which I was going to. So I went to the guy in the main hall and asked him what's the logic behind that? He gave me this look and gave me a stupid answer, that I did not get. All I understood was that there was no advance booking. I have to come early and stand in teh line, maybe I am among the lucky people who will have a seat. I cursed the logic of this country. They treat us like slaves. Why? Oh well. I texted N. to tell her about the stupidity and I got the answer: 'It is a free play. You pay no money.' Aha, that explains it. Because I am not paying money, I pay it in a different currency: Waste my time waiting for 1 hour at least; accept being treated as a slave. Indeed, nothing is for free. I am not sure why they still insist on doing that. Why not like any decent country, price it. To spread culturism among youth. Well, this is not the way as far as I know. Nothing is for free. Nothing is for free. This I sure know.

- Driving my car back, this guy sitting next to his girlfriend in the back of the microbus kept looking at me. His girl friend noticed that, and she looked back to me. She immediately kept pushing his face away whenever he attempted to look at me. I smiled at them. And thought how cute. He looked back to me, and made some signs telling me that I look good but she is in his heart. I smiled and waved good bye. They are cute together. He surrounded her with his arm and pulled her closer to him. They were happy and at ease. Despite the modest financial status, despite the culture boundaries, the crowded transportation, but they managed to feel the love and intimacy and easiness among one another. I had good time in the micro- and mini buses myself. My prefered ride. Along with the metro. Tram. Red bus. Train. There is soemthing there that brings intimacy. With those who ride along. And with yourself. The memory of me taking teh minibus from infront of AUC at 7PM, going to heliopolis when I used to stay at my grandmothers villa, accompanied by A., S., I who lived next to me. I feel some aching in my stomach. Was great memories. And this is what kept us close. Until this moment. No matter how far we go, I always found a message on my answer machine checking on me.

- I learnt that people have their own intimate reasons for choosing what they choose. Clear or unclear to me. That I comprehend or dont. That I accept or not. But the bottom line is, they have their reasons and it doesnot have to make sense to me. On the contrary. And I have to accept that choice. Out of respect to them. And in most cases, out of respect to myself too. I am no one's mother or guardian. So I should never play that role ever. 'Practical'? Yes, I am very practical actually.

- Choose someone who wants to be with you because of who you are, not because of how you make him feel.

- Relationships are subjected to inflation too. Some are sold for free, others are bought for more.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

sometimes you cant promise what you can not do. out of love? fully. it is a duty and an oath that was promised. can not be denied or forgotten.

u just hope to be understood. your pain be felt. but again, the result is the same. if results are the only thing that counts.

9/21/2008 02:36:00 am  
Blogger haal said...

I totally understand what you are saying. so heartfelt.

and it is out of honesty. and love. as you said.

:)

9/21/2008 02:48:00 am  
Blogger haal said...

Dont choose anyone. Whoever wants you, will choose you.

If they didnt, then they never wanted you.

9/24/2008 10:18:00 am  
Anonymous Cave said...

"Choose someone who wants to be with you because of who you are, not because of how you make him feel."

Pride and Prejudice both aside, please review this statement.

If you need a tip, start with the syntax, follow the logic, feel the emotion, and balance the equation.

Please!

9/28/2008 12:26:00 pm  
Blogger Cave said...

... was a ridiculous comment anyways

9/30/2008 02:48:00 am  

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