4 Sep 2008


I do not know how to start. But there are this thing that is limping inside me. Wanting to come but I force it to go inside and remain there. A consistent insistence to float. I keep telling it that it is not time yet. Simmer more.

But it is when I see him that I get touched. Maybe because he loves me dearly and deeply. More than anyone else around. In a very mature way. Maybe because he does look like me in many things. This standing-up look and deep sensitivity. Absorbing eyes. Very refined and deeply elegance. I love him when he hugs me and calls me with 'my Nickname'. Keeps telling me that he loves me. Bought me a present and made me tons of cards when I was sick. His eyes paniced when he knew the news. And he was silence. Kept inquiring in a shy scared way. Very sincere.

I actually love him a lot. I see myself in him all the time. I do hug him dearly and love him when he is excited. I love his arguments. His wisdom. His connection to things. His judgement. What he says. very smart. He talks talks talks talks. ANd amazingly I am so patient with him and try to understand. Encourage him. Like to take him places. To tease him into eating sushi. Walking in zamalek. Choosing a book at diwan. I like him so much. I get mad and my eyes are in tears when anyone shuts him up or does not see the gift and elegance and for sure the sadness.

But he does know that he is sad. He keeps saying that. And I wonder, why? Why a kid can be sad? I was sad. I was very sad. He once said that he wants to die. And I used to ask for that silently. I dont know why I did that. I had nothing to suffer from as a kid, and so does he. Maybe the endless search for home and endless search for safety is what --had been, for me, and has been, for him,-- we both are/were looking for.

I dont know.

There is a sad gene. Some people are born with it.

It is a bless. And a curse.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

is he a Cancerian?

9/05/2008 03:55:00 am  
Blogger Vile said...

it is a sad thing, but the soul of a child can be cured with laughter, while the heart of an adult is usually unyielding.

9/07/2008 02:14:00 pm  

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