19 Sep 2008


'...some spend a lifetime embracing their pains. they know that no matter how or how much they share, no one will care or understand. they are too sensitive to accept interest without sincerity, and too proud to accept sympathy without comprehension. ' Annonymous said.

indeed no one will understand. even if they care. some of us has special nature. need certain attention. long for particular recognition. not to praise them. not to worship them. not even to fear them and do what they would like. out of fear. and maybe love. some are very sensitive to all that 'fakeness'. in a better mode, i will say 'inability'. they just are different. i am not sure where the line is drawn between acceptance and letting go AND doing an effort to bring people closer!

i personally tried. almost all my life. starting from my family. the closest clan. to understand. to see things my way. did not work. i tried again. explained my way. how i like things. where i come from. how i sense and feel and recognize things. did not work still. between glimpses of pity and sympathy on the crazy daughter, and a need to show love and 'do whatever she wants'--that ends fast once they forgot how I looked when totally wired. totally losing control of myself. on the frings of getting crazy... when they forget that. they revert back. ruthlessly. at serious chances, they will backfire at you reminding you subtley of you being a burden! your negative tiring difference. that is making everyone uncomfortable. Immediately, you lose home. well, already had lost it decades ago when you knew, dead knew with no doubt, that this is not home. you are a stranger. and you wonder!!

more and more find refuge in your little space. and maybe in the 'other side of the night'. or the other side of the world. to visualize. home.

and you leave and come back. try here and there. follow false promises. all for a hope to find this home where you can be. just be. with no burden. no burden of being yourself. this self that you recognize very much. know from years. get in touch with it since one day old. even before that. just this peace of the come back is what some, only some, are looking for. all what is missing is a place. it is not that these some dont know who they are, they do know. just surrendering. or maybe losing hope.

and for myself, i get angry. at them. for not recognizing. for not seeing. for wasting. for not appreciating. for not helping. for pretending. for being fake. for being selfish. for not loving this life. for not accepting me as i am. for not listening me. just allowing themselves to be triggered. for revealing only the insecurities. even their love is out of insecurity. of fear i would leave.

truth is..... i already left years ago.

they manage to corner you. to silence you. to make you surrender when your only trait if fighting your will around. they manage to break you. and you.... losing hope in home. struggling with all the obligations. trying to be kind and grateful. ....you just leave. what they see is a ghost. an actor. but a real actor. because when the play is over, the character does not leave him. haunted by it. and from that, there will be no escape.

and 'some close their eyes to cry.' ........

when there is no place even to cry. when the room is so small. almost squeezing you. with no space for a tear to come down......... you dont cry.

i dont know what you do....


Blogger Néphèle said...

"and you leave and come back. try here and there. follow false promises. all for a hope to find this home where you can be. just be. with no burden. no burden of being yourself. this self that you recognize very much."

say that again..

9/20/2008 04:43:00 pm  
Blogger Cave said...

You tried and were let down, they failed you and you failed to make them understand and recognize.

Some had realized this so early in their lives that they decided to get everybody off the hook. They left their families, friends, and close ones untested. Deep in their hearts, they wished for this sincere understanding, but they know they don't have the right to be angry because they have not really tried.

Over the years, they lose the art of sharing themselves; their true selves. They secure their hearts and minds with sacred codes that leave intruders no hope of the slightest peek.

They become great listeners hailed for there outstanding communication skills. They get medals for problem solving. They are saluted with respect for being INTJ's (if only this I can swing towards E) - oh no one knows how deep this I is.

And they know they will never try. Are they too proud and too sensitive? Absolutely ... but they are also too loving to put those they love to a test they know they wouldn't pass.

Call it pragmatic, or "practical", they accept life as it is ... with a sad smile ... they remember life is not all about life :)

They might have lost hope, but they haven't lost faith.

And faith is Hope!

9/20/2008 05:01:00 pm  
Blogger haal said...

i am sure you did the right choice.
it is part of the faith of acceptance. and faith liberates you from the cave to a rotana.

9/20/2008 06:25:00 pm  
Blogger haal said...

faith in what? in being understood? as u agreed with me, it is a sacred code. either there or not. if not there, it can never be taught. our duty is to search for those who have the code. if they exist. if not, then god has the code.

9/21/2008 12:30:00 am  
Blogger Cave said...

i don't know how you know, but i know you know.

And i do have company. The twenty two of us don't seem to be able to go without each other.

They too have been ommitted from that virtual life of zeros and ones ... But here they live on.

9/21/2008 03:21:00 am  

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