A Message from within

Interesting past two days. Lots of changes, or at least potential ones. Ok, now I am depressed. I was going to see friends and then decided to just drive around in Ma'adi next to my old school and go home. Horrible school. Wonderful school. Very liberal. Very european with an egyptian spin enough to ruin the european taste. But I liked this severe contradiction and confusion you face at a real young age. We were never protected by rules or behaved under any umberalla of thoughts or custom. A liberating feeling pushing you to pick and choose your own convictions. Ok, now I am depressed. Again? Yes. Not depressed in the sense of sitting in bed, but this feel of a deep need to stay alone. A depression that pushes me to act, think and do something. I act my best when I am down. Strange. Not really. I just realize that when feeling down, I am more confident in myself. Feel like I am totally me. Gathering all my scattered energies and ideas. Talk slower. Say what I mean, and not minding ...

A dear friend. Very dear actually. If I believe in 'best friend' concept, then he is indeed one. Had our best and worst time together when I was living in the USA. We would fight and debate like hell, and then burst into laughter. We even didn't talk for months, but then we met and hiked together in AZ. Wonderful friendship that managed to survive all this tough, rough ups and downs; my agressive, egocentric character, and his witty, competitive nature. Now the long distance, and the changing that each of us is encountering are all taking a toll on our friendship. But indeed he is a real friend. Very real. Friends at heart. Anyways, Christian sent me a nice email about Jesus. He knew I like 'the symbol'. 'My' Christian is Catholic, Irish mother (very sweet, classy mother) and sarcastic father. Very shrewd to say the least. Not sure if 'my' Christian is a strict Cathloic. I can't really figure that out, why would I! I pretended to be a believing m...

'Indeed some people are really shallow'. 'Feeding and squandering on trifling talks'. This has always been my impression of those people I see sitting on this baladi ahwa , not far away from where I live. I usually bump into Z. , foreign collegues, friends I haven't met in ages sitting there smoking shisha and drinking tea., Day or night, I expect to see someone I know. Now this ahwa has become a significant landmark in my routes whenever I walk to run some errands. I have to pass by, poke inside if I didn't see anyone lining up on the street seats. Despite my familiarity by now with the ahwa, I never thought of spending some time there. All my visits are en passant . Quick stops. Quick sips of Z.'s cinamon & ginger drink. Quick greetings before I go on. I guess I enjoy the guest feel. Just standing there, listening to a couple of jokes, hearing some political gossips and just leave. Smoke away all what I have heard as soon as I leave. I am very much sea...

I didn't feel like talking to anyone since last night. I wanted to just curl inside myself and be left alone for as long as it will take me. I turned off my cell phone and refused to recieve any calls. Waking up this morning, I found my voice totally gone. Can't say a word. As if I had been screaming all night. I thought this was really cool. I need no medicine. Nothing. I just wanted to have my voice gone for couple of days until I feel ok again. A crystal clear wordless excuse. How cool this body can really be. Thanks!

Today I didn't feel comfortable with myself. I am also sick and my voice is almost gone. I had to do extra effort to catch with Z.'s conversation. Felt like running after a speeding car. I wonder why we just didn't remain silent. Actually, I was the one who initiated conversations, although I wasn't interested in talking in a general sense, and thus reached for my old habbit of just spacing out. My statments didn't make sense, and I would just go off topic and back to the topic again. I kept doing that until sweetly Z. hinted, 'What are we talking about here?'. EH! I don't know. I think I was answering a nagging question that kept playing inside: 'It is not what's next', but 'what's now. What's with this moment.' So, the odds chose to meet inside me today: discomfort with myself, vague look to the future, boredom, confusion, and an urgent need to break away from a pattern that I could recognize it coming. And it scares me, esp...

Can't describe it. Yet can still feel it. All words are not enough to translate it. So I will leave it where it is. Now I know why jesus was only one word. I just noticed that I talk about jesus a lot. I am not christian and I am not going to say that Islam demands us to praise jesus. This is shallow. We dont respect or connect with someone or something because we are 'asked to' do so yet because we feel guided to doing so. Feel the longing of doing so. I am not even going to go into the divinity of jesus, being the father or the son or god. I simply don't care about this theology. He is what he is/was/will be. Fiha ma fiha . With all my respect and disrespect to all religions. But sure jesus will always remain a mystery as long as Love is not yet deciphered. I think I need to trace how jesus is described in the Coran. I tried doing this once, but I was lost.

I am sick, have this subtle cold. Sleepy. Have been slacking around all day, throwing myself between coach and bed. Now I am petulant in the sense that I don't want to talk to anyone, or hear any noise. Want to be left alone. However, in less than an hour I have to head to a friend's house for some sort of a party. I agreed to go in one of these moments when I was feeling social. Actually the next moment after I commited, I started to search for other plans to break this one. Silly. Well, I hate parties, although the couple who invited me are adorable. But..... well. So, what should I wear. The weather is confusing. I will go in jeans, what else can I wear. But have to decide on the chemise and if I should take a jacket....some girlie stuff. Plus if it is hot, I don't want to be sweating, and if it is humid I dont want to feel soaked. I hate this strange weather. Plus my hair is too straight for my taste. Looks like I am wearing one of Samir Ghanem wigs. Lots of complicatio...

Interesting figure that stimulated the public for sometime both when he was in Egypt and later when he left to UK, and/or Lebanon. My first introduction to him was not through going to his lectures in the 6th of October. However, I initially came to know him when one day I was entering my building and found excerpts from Coranic verses, lines from Hadith, supplications on the main door to be read before we step out to the world or when entering on our household, then posters announcing the upcoming program of 'Amr Khaled for nahdat al-umma . I was triggered. I hate this kind of stuff, especially that these papers will be an open invitation for people to write on some comments, or salutations, and then by time will fall off; turning the building to look like a governmental building, papers and trash. Moreover, my neighbour, didn't take our permission to do that in the first place, and this for me was invading my private space. I don't mind him being religious, but I hate thi...

I didn't do anything today. I didn't even leave my room. The only activity I did was watering the flowers. I am staying in my room, listening to music and browsing through couple of books. I didn't even open the window, so the room is dark except of a small side lamp that I use for reading. I invited my mom to eating Chineese food, from Peking. We initially planned to walk to the restaurant, very close to where I live. But she then decided not to. So we ordered delivery. It was still nice. Both of us relaxed. Eating. Drinking soda, and sharing the Chicken Cashew and Chicken Mushroom. I like that sharing part, and the quiet evening with both of us just alone. Actually we were listening to Farid al-Atrach playing 'ud. She didn't seem to enjoy it as much as i did, but she just shared silently. I kept pointing her attention to the nice tones especially that he was playing my favourite song, which I don't really know it's name. (Tan tan tan taaaaaa....) something...

Miss Egypt was given a hard question to answer during the competition. 'If you have 3 boxes, one contains Love, the second money, the third luck, which one will you choose?' Miriam chose Love as it doesnt go away while the rest can come and go (eih el halaw dee). This answer, according to al-ahram, impressed the panel and was the core reason for choosing her as Miss Zeft. How shallow... the question, the answer and even al-ahram comment. To that extent we are so trivial, and again, give value to flat toned answers. To start off, there is actually something called money, that yes comes and goes, but so is love, it comes and goes too. I am not sure where is the difference? In fact, I will choose luck--because I have the money, so being lucky is a gurantee I will not lose it. Love, I am not sure if we can choose it or if it can be chosen. I think it doesnt exist. At least not that love we know of. There are lots of words to describe Love. Initially was, I love you the dominan...

The question of the day. Of today especifically. It happens on different level, and with two different situations. Completely different? Well, apparently yes, but in essence I would dare No. Similar. All revolve around an everlasting issue with ourselves. The first issue, a blog related issue, that accompanied me through my 45 minutes drive to the Italian Club. Until I met Z. and the group. I might talk about it someother time. Dont feel it is time yet. At least today. Enough to say, it got me thinking here. The second issue was Z.'s friends whom I met tonight. Very nice group, yet very different. Famous, high class, active people of the Egyptian society. Age varies. There was A. and his wife I., E. and his daughter D., Prof. E. and his wife M., H., S., Z. and myself. Large group. Ages varies from 50 to 17. Z., S. and myself are the youngest people, but age is not at all an issue with our group. We share the same spirit, passion to explore. Explore with a big E. A readiness to go ...

Everytime I watch J.Lo musical clips, my eyes are so fixed on this woman unbeatable body. Ehm, I am straight and all, but I have to praise the good stuff. Right? What amazes me about J., sure not her looks or music, but her extreme comfort with her sexuality. Something I dont have to some level. For instance, I have a problem wearing sandals, or slippers because I have an issue showing my toes. What is it, I dont know? Whenver I decide to sleep over at a friend or a relative, I have to make sure I bring a sox. I can sleep wearing anything, even in jeans, but without Sox is impossible. Actually, when I sleep over I get all kind of fixations. I have to wake up earlier than everybody. Get dressed and be ready before all of them. I just am not at all comfortable wearing my PJ's infront of anybody, not even infront of my family. I have to change into something before leaving my room and I command the rest of the house to do the same. I have always thought about this attitude of mine. My...

Just came back from watching this lovely play at AUC. Tomorrow is the last day. If you have a chance, you must see it. It starts at 8pm. Very dynamic, funny, cute, interesting play. Very well done. For guys, the actresses are gorgeously beautiful. It is all about guys cheating on their wives and wives cheating on their husbands. Hilarious.

Knowing when to stop is important to learn. In everything. Loving someone, chasing a dream, fighting, traveling, resting, eating, talking, having sex, believing, doubting... Everything. Really important. Excess in anything is dangerous. Turn the experience to a burden. Takes the joy and the pleasure out of it. Makes it more mundane, fixed. Turns it to a fight a competition. A will to prove or disprove something. What for. I actually have been thinking about this girl I met last week at the Italian club. She is a new friend of Z. whom he had known through another friend. Some sort of a circle connection. She appeared to be a nice girl. Not sure how old was she. Either too young or too old. I couldnt really tell. Feature and body wise, I would say late 20's, but attitude wise maybe early 20's or younger. In the matter of fact, I am stealing Z.'s statement. This is what he thinks of her age. I personally dont think of people in age context. For me age is not really The indicat...

A typical guys conversations. No matter what the initial topic was it drifted to Sex , and afyoun . But their initial intentions were good though. Now I doubt this intention . Time for the lion to leave it's den.

This whole idea of 'Faith'. Losing it, mending it, pumping it. What is it? What/who/where is this 'Faith' that people talk about. Feel guilty when losing it, happy when reclaiming it. Faith in what? What is it aslan . Moreover, if we assume we know what Faith thing is, the next question will be: how would we know we have faith. I mean, is there some kind of indicator that flags when faith arrives in the system, or when being in the state of having faith?! I personally dont know if I have faith or not. Didnt really think about that before except for quick nanoseconds. The fact is, the same question will come back: have faith in what? In God I suppose?! Well, how would I have faith in Something that I dont really know. Hmm... Longman defines the word faith as 'strong belief... not based on reason or proof', all related to the religious system and in connection to God. All religions are based on faith. Even opposing religions are based on faith. If faith can lead...

Yep. I bought a pair of them. I now wear them all the time. Everywhere. Yesterday, I walked to Beano's (worst coffee ever), and I wore them. It was fun. I could hear nothing but my breathing. It sounds really nasty. All the outside world seemed to me like watching a movie on mute. For some reason, I saw everything in slow motion. It was good. I never thought I would buy ear-plugs. But here I am. Buying and wearing them in public. I wear them at work too. It filters all the unneeded sounds and voices you dont want to hear. It makes you focus on yourself. Make you KNOW that you are alive. Breathing. Breathing for yourself not for others. The best part is when you burb, talk to yourself, swallow your saliva, your stomach roars, all these sounds get amplified, and they are entertaining. Breathing sound is really important. Indication to the state. Try it. My point is, 'Welcome to my world.' There are lots going on inside and we do need to listen. This body is screaming for atte...

To what extent should someone care about his/her partner's past experiences?! Not sure if this is a type of question where the answers should be the same for all people, regardless of their culture and mentality? For me, maybe I am narrow-minded, old style , but my answer will be Yes, past experiences are important. Girls and guys past experiences. No difference. This question was brought up during breakfast on friday with A and H. H. was claiming that the history of his future wife is not by any means important. Whatever she did is totally hers. What's important to him is her behaviour after they commit to one another. I was curious to know to what extend was he willing to ignore past experiences? 'Absolute extend. No limits.' I have to make sure I got the right answer, 'No limits, no limits?' I sounded a little stupid, 'Yes. NO LIMITS. Everything. But of course if her actions were done out of love and not just sleeping around with everyone'. ehm. In ...

It is back. Holding my breath did not help. The coughing is killing me. I can hear it coming. And I do feel scared. At times. At others, I wish it will attack and finish. And finish me with it. can someone so full of energy and passion for life wish to stop? I do not know. But I do feel so. there is this powerful part of me who just wishes to end all this sufffering. Not from the pain, I can hardly allow it. But the feel of separation from what I know exists. As if it is chasing me and I am tracing him. But I have no clue who he is. But even with that hope, I feel that when I find him, it wont be easy. what else was easy in my life? Thank god. But again, this struggle between death and life leaves me helpless. Is it safer to not meet him lest I will suffer the separation? I do not know. God..... would you please make the path easy? If this is a symbol, then I get the message. :)

I would love if one of the many eloquent egyptian male bloggers write his simple thoughts and observations on Man-Woman dynamics, as an attempt towards understanding this relationship. Give it a real thought the way you guys discuss politics, and the rest of the issues you blog. Well, folks, this is what you really need to analyze. At the end of the day, she is who you are/will be stuck with not Hosni or Jimmy or even muntaser el-zayat, for at least 30 more years. At the very least, attempt to lessen your misery. Maybe if you understand your partner, suddenly the question of who will be your next president won't really matter that much. You would by then have elected the real president, and the most important one.

...an active, full week I still feel depressed. Everything I attended seemed sad and portrayed a down spirit. I went to Nasir Shama with Z. and some of his friends. They were super funny and easy going. The concert was great too. Very sad though. Even Nasir Shama played 'Moon Departure', a piece he composed during the peak of his life crisis. He said that this was the first time he felt like playing it in a public concert. He felt the audiance were ready for it. Well, he was right. The sad feelings sweep and take over the fake happiness people place on their faces. Moon departure was sad, so was the rest of his music. I needed that fondl- ing . Before going to the concert, Z. and I walked to Safar Khan to see Stevenson's exhibition. The paintings' theme was 'the circus'. Interesting, I thought, but again a little sad. Most of the paintings were dark blue. Not sure why didn't she use light colours. The cairo effect. We also went to DAAR and saw 'Qahirun...

1. Very good looking 2. Long straight hair 3. Slim and tall *BBC program