A Message from within

So I'm back to the old trips and the annoyance it impose on me. I hate going there. Hate everything about it and in it. I feel squeezed in space, literally, and in realm. Fake. Cautious. Anticipating. Watched. Feared. And I feel like a stranger. Well I am. And will always be. And I have no one to turn to. Or talk to. Sunk in my dark feelings and thoughts. Counting the minutes till I leave. This time it's not only myself whom I'm trying to hide in but it's June and August who are following me everywhere even if I try to escape. I became resisting to all this relation and what it entails and expects of me. I face a swinging feeling between wanting to continue and really feeling suffocated by it. Totally. By him specifically. After all these years I realised that we are so different. Maybe we have a connexion but day-to-day level, we fail miserably. I get annoyed by almost every gesture and every tone. Sarcastic and unforgiving. I see only the bad in him. Haunted with...

Once said that the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. Did I reach there?  I feel so. As if I am struggling to keep myself interested. To keep myself in this house and in this relation and this family. It has become a struggle. An uphill effort that keeps me from enjoying. Keeps me from wanting to wakeup in the morning. Keeps me from an ability to smile. To feel light. Rather sarcastic. Empty. As if there is a vacuum inside of me. No energy to take me through. No desire to smile or play or even accept or deliver a joke. I became too serious. Too ridiculous. Too isolated from the happening to the emptiness. Looking with a cold eye to what is surrounding me; to the supposedly happy events to mean more commitment and more work and more soul-level effort. 'I can't handle all that', I tell myself. Not that i am ungrateful but because I am really bored.  Bored from him. From her. From them. From me. Not even interested in explaining what happened. Not hopeful for...

I really can not take it. I am Bored. Angry. Annoyed. I still have not changed my mind about how I want it to change. I seem to not being able to do the switch back. Drifting. And I'm actually seeking for more drifting. I seem to not wanting it ti work. Not interested. Not in the kin. Not in the chef.

This has become my new favourite place here. I go to it almost every day. I get a coffee that  I never manage to finish or drink a lot from. It is coffee of the day. Normal brew. But I claim it is the best coffee of the day I have ever tasted. I love to just walk browse the selves and smell the natural aroma of the shampoo and soap section. Reminds me of Terry, my friend from Oregon who just won't use anything non-organic.  Last time, June and I were just about to leave when a tornado started and the generous rain soaked us. It was great feeling. The rain drops were actually bulky and full-bodied. Close to their coffee. Of course the coffee got cold. I still put it in the car next to the previous ones with the hope that i will finish it later… something that I should by now realise that it never happens. No matter how many times I share the experience. Share the large assortment of cheese existing. The coffee experience. It all falls on deaf e...

I realised that things are turning away from the perfect look that I once imagined and aspired to. It becomes more pragmatic, practical and distant. Same as the previous life. Probably will end like the previous one but this time with much more luggage to care for and adjust to. And with this will come the pain and the compromise. It might not be like the previous in taking different physical turns, but it will be deeper. A separation on the spirit level. Given the once claimed deep connexion we once had, it will be serious. I am sitting here overlooking the golf course. June is busy with taking her long bath. Minutes after June and him ended the talk, I realised that I have no place among them. By choice. By design. By intention. I separate myself. And I do that by simply not responding to the fake gestures or polite invitation to engage. I can tell the boredom and the need to end the conversation and I let him go. I invite him to end the connexion and he gladly accepts this invitat...

So June's birthday was all planned behind my back. Planned to have me not included. Planned to have me not attending. More than the real intention of the birthday, which is June herself. In fact, June herself was abused to prove a point and inflict anger. Part of their selfeshness and stupidity. Yes, June might have been super happy. Naive and light. Totally absorbed in the moment. But in the future when she is sober, she will ask. I hope you will find an answer to this by then. Not worried about that actually. Indeed another manipulation will be put to use.

So today I entered John's to get my coffee and he was sitting there. Working on his sheets as usual. Or planning his next move. Or lamenting his destiny. Or whatever. Does not matter what he was doing. It is probably anything but wasting his time in the trivial aspects of his life. I looked at him for a moment. Placed my classical order. Waited until it was finished and left. Did not go to his table to greet him or say hi.  While waiting, I remembered when I used to enter any place and search for him. Search for his face in exasperation for comfort. The moment I saw his face, I would automatically smile. And in most cases, he would feel my presence and look in my direction. It was a remote longing and an intimate connexion despite the proximity and the barriers. We were closer to each other than any soul would imagine. It even surprised us.  Later, when we were together, we continued on the same habit. That time we would have a big smile on our faces and we would go str...

So she finally said it in a semi suffocated irritated tone. A relief to part of the anger she had been feeling for the past year and half. Initially she mumbled with annoyance ' ...you will never move to close this machine.' He must have heard or guessed her saying that. But seriously how ridiculous this while thing is. She's almost collapsing from fatigue and errands; he sitting on the sofa doing nothing, the machines screams but in vain. As if nothing is happening. Why does she have to go turn it off every single time! And now he eats the ice cream and the loakers and leave the empty containers on the kitchen' table! Why? ' I know you don't love me and all but have some mercy....' Indeed, have some freaken mercy. You are always doing this. It's her turn now to tell you: ' you are such a liability...' Worst type of liability actually. A taker by all means. At least she said it finally. Not sure why is she reluctant to share what she felt. It...

I can't really blame it all on June. Yes, she is a factor but not all the factors. Maybe she helped accelerate the process. To reveal aspects that was hidden and stagnant beneath the surface of the connexion. The location as well did play its turn and unites with June against me. When June arrived, I was already in a floating state still discovering the depth of the connexion. Although the connexion had promised and had hopes that it would be a strong, astounding one, but a little while into it, it did not really seem as it promised. It was like any other. Had its ups and downs, as well as, its silent moments. I think it was a normal thing to happen, but given what this deal had promised, it was underachieving. Looking back and looking now, I can surely say that it is not successful. And I am daring myself to say and declare that it will not be. June, although an accelerator to this desitny, but it is what's holding it from falling so quickly.

I am sitting here. Alone. Finally I would say. There are lots of things I need to catchup on with myself but I have no time. Or energy. Or will. Or even desire. Escaping and be alone have become my target. Everyday target. As if it becomes my only objective now. When I am 'finally' alone, I do not sleep, although I so need it. I just sit alone in this miserable place look at the mess around. How everything is crooked and twisted. Unorganised and misplaced. Unclean and uncared for. Empty fridge and stacked garbage. Lots of items here and there that are not taking any shapes nor promising any direction. Rich view but with poor interior and with what resides inside.

T: 'Who knows maybe the next trip you will come with me to visit these countries.' S: 'You never know. You might be surprised.' And he meant it as a sarcasm to the countries he was proposing she will be visiting with him when he takes the new post. And she meant it as a decision that she had already done with herself. She is definitely not going to be joining him. Anywhere. Sounds like she had made her mind and deciding where she will do next. What will happen next. How she will proceed next. All in the next phase. For the now, it will remain stagnant for the time being until the delivery occurs. Before and after that she will remain silent. Maintain her distance. Saluting their break and disconnection that now became part of their daily routine. What really happened between them was not expected on some level. It could have been blown out of proportion; been initiated as a joke then took a different dramatic direction. Or just a phase. I personally think it is no...

I was introduced to Anais by a friend of mine. I am not sure why she chose this writer to recommend to me. Her reasoning was that I write like her. Some similarity between us. I start reading a bit. Her books were censored because of the high sexual content and more so because she was a lesbian. Not a direct announced lesbian, but a clear inclination to the love of female. During my last visit to Cairo, I went to my room and searched for one of her books. I never actually read her books to the end, but i remember that I would read a lot of Anais. The similarity is there for sure. Not particularly in the way I write, but probably in the self-dialogue and the endless search for a space and place; the dilemma between being found and getting lost again; the continuous desire to see and pierce through the self of one and others. Not sure where did life took Anais, the real one, but she sure had an unhappy life. But this was her choice. Or fate? Not very sure. June and I. More than just...

I found my relieve. A temporary one.  I was able to find home away from home and home. Did not have to search far. I just tapped inside. Looked around. And designed it for myself. It changed my approach to things. Made me more free when I was there. I liked to go there against all odds. Surprising myself and others. I go there and I am free. Regardless of all the walls and the regulations, I was free. I can claim that I was the only one free there. I find my space. I find home and I was free. Free in this 8-3 timeframe. Only. Between this slot. Before and after I switch back. To inner silence. Broken connection. Sole dialogue. Monologue. I enter the duty mode. The delivery mode. Almost switching places. I deliver where i am supposed to be connecting; and connected where I was supposed to deliver. But it was the only way to survive. When you feel lonely. Alone. Isolated. On your own. You need to find an exit. To carve one. To survive. Remember after all I am 'water.' I find ...

Something in me has to change. Internal. This wound. This scar. This deep flip. Maybe I need to be more pronounced. Stop the fake or even real politeness. To maybe learn from you. Be apathetic. With a cool mind. Detached. I will try to learn from you. Do as my enemies do. Play their tricks. Maybe.  Now I'm in this stage. Need to reevaluate. Done that before. Many times. Nothing much had changed. Hate to see myself lose. Can't wait. Can't be patient. My firey nature jumps ahead of me.  Patience is not my thing. And I think it's too late to be.  Now I'm towards the indifference. With him I'm now. I am numb. And I think it will get worse. I think I might be depressed. Been for sometime. Hide behind many things. And will continue to do that as long as I'm not finding myself again. Remind me when did I last find it?

Not sure how to not remember you. Or how to actually remember you. Last time I called I felt sad. Stayed a while after we hung up. I still remember it. You thanked me for calling you. You said that you missed me. And I missed you back then. The next time I called you you never answered me. And I think you will never do. I remember you with all the memories that I shared with you. Not sure if you would ever knew how I felt. How I cherished those moments we spent together. The little ones. All there. Locked within me. Shared it with myself. Replayed it over and over. Wish you knew how I never forgot you. How engraved is our little time within me. How little they were. How deep they remained. You were a good man. And I so loved you.

He keeps switching the TV channel all the time. Toggles between the different programs once a break happens. Annoying. I get distracted. Lose concentration. Lose focus. Distracting. No matter how many times I tell him how annoyed I get, he makes fun of me. Hand me thd remote. Take me on a guilt trip. Of lack of assertiveness to pushing what I want when together. Play on all that and put a pinch of intimidation. I'd probably next time just go to the other room and watch alone. Safer. Becoming the new trend. Too bad.

- No matter how many times the machines keep screaming announcing its end, he wouldn't lift a finger to go close it. Not in a million time. - no matter how tired I am from the many items I'm juggling, he will remain still. Legs on the ottoman, nuts and coke in tht other watching tv - no matter how he promised to wake up with them at dawn to play, he ends up waking at 10. - no matter how he promised to make lunch, he will just forget or ignore. Lots of that. And he forgot our marriage date. Not that he missed the date, which is ok,but he didn't even remember. What a sign. He should believe me when I say it's a sign. Sign of negligence. Not for long.

I sit now alone. Deep in my thoughts. In my boredom. My anger. Sadness. Exhausted and annoyed. Trapped in my own thoughts that are all destructive. Secretly waiting for a way out. Anticipating an escape. Planning. Something inside me tells me that I won't last here for long. I won't last long. I know that. It was a mistake. I am now sure. It could be the whole institution that I detest. But also the members. I don't belong with them. I changed. Probably. Doesn't matter. What's matter now is that there's no connection anymore. If there is one its a exhausted one. Losing its spirit. So we chose to store it somewhere safe with a hope that we will restore its value. I played along and I know I'm not into restoring. I just discard. This is my danger side. It's dangerous to walk with me along this road even if I deduced you to taking it. Seduced by being silent. By hiding behind my silence. My strength. My random spurts. And bursts, by my indifference. Excuse...

It's a feeling of isolation. More and more.  Pushed aside. Becoming irrelevant. Feeling marginalized. Only my shadows and deputy remaining. The remote glimpse of me. And my memories. For both of us. Each in his own way. In his own pain. Realization. The fact remains that we are drifting apart. At least I'm sure of one. Certain of it. A brewing feeling of departure. A longing hope of going back. Breaking loose. I feel deceived. Betrayed. By myself and By him. Neither kept his promises. Neither honored the oath. Both ignored the present. Traced the past. Blurred is the future. Blurred is the future because I wish no more to continue. Like this. It's a dark and gloomy as of now. Scary if I looked through this same lens and projected this life for 20 more. Or even 10. Lost is the word. Disappointment is the feeling. Help is the action. But no one will help but oneself. But where is this self. Torn between the duty and the more duty. Dusted by being taken for granted. S...

She annoys me. Something in her way bothers me. She could and probably is kind and helpful but I really can't be at ease with her or around her. My first direct feeling is that I feel tensed. Irritated. Maybe because of her pretentious way of speaking. The Arabic with this accent. The know-it-all attitude. The endless talks. The endless direction to her daughter. Her speaking with her eyes and way of speaking. Acting like a man: in command even around her husband. Don't really know. I try that when she talks I look her in the eye. But obviously I looked annoyed that it didn't help. I'm just trying to figure her out. Who she really is. Why all the fakeness or insecurity or maybe too comfortable in her skin. I doubt the latter. I saw her before coming here. Was normal. Less than normal. Now had this attitude of living a role that is not her. It could be only me.