A Message from within

Last thursday, was 'just like heaven.' It was all destined for us to meet. Not once per that day, but twice. Unexpected. Light. Lovely and inspiring. I was slacking home. Didn't go to work that day. Decided to take a long weekend off and just relax. Have been a rough end of year analysis and decisions. So I stayed home. He was having a meeting at the fringes of Cairo. Called. Laughing. 'I went to the wrong place. Meeting was at the office and I thought it was at smart village.' I laughed. What an air-headed. So we decided to meet miday at Cilantro, on his way to work. And we did. Just a little talk over coffee. Enjoyed every second of it. We departed only on the promise that we will meet again after he finishes work. Will pass by my house to pick me up. I agreed. I walked home. Did some silly shopping on my way. Bought a cool bag, that he didn't like that much--but everyone did. Arrived home. Crashed on bed waiting for him to call, and he did. I was planning to ...

Salma... who is Salma? Well, she didn't come yet. But she will be arriving on the 9th of April. Wow! You are pregnant still, however, you: Already knew she is a girl, Already gave her a name, And definetly knew her birthday. I couldn't help but feel a little sarcastic. Not from R., who seems from the first while like a sweet lady, but from our nature. Our pre-deterministic nature. Our deep need to control what we don't have or see. Invent tools, and seek guidance just to know the future. I admit, I wont like to know the gender of my baby. I won't give it a name. I won't seek to know the exact date of his birth. I will leave it all to be a surprise. A gift, from the Giver. Change in it as He likes. Name it as He likes. Shape its destiny as He likes. Bless it whichever way He chooses.

I see lots of them everywhere I go. Sometimes I sympathize. Sometimes I get so annoyed. I watch them over the course of time. One or two have been there forever. This 'rababa' man, I have been seeing for decade now. I initially used to give him something, now I literally hate him. Get so annoyed by him. Whenever he approaches me for money, I tell him to fuck off. I say that, 'Fuck off bugger.' I look into his eyes, and I just see greed and 'makr'. He is so greedy. If you know this man, look into his eyes when you put your hand in your pocket to give him money. His eyes would jump, racing your hand to the money. His eyes drip with greed and need. I urge you to take a look. In case you are interested, check 26th July street, Zamalek. The 'rababa' guy over there. If you are more interested--alif you might do that--follow him to where he lives. I am so curious to know how he lives after all these years of begging. I am not at all careful with money. I dont h...

We are indeed on one. Short wave. Distorted. Responsive to any noise and any outside factors. No sense of a self sustainable mode. Too inferior to have our own station and program. Jumping at others with no plan other than to munch on what they say. We are bunch of inferior beings. Lost. Envious.

So, I can no more eat Danish blue cheese. Is this what you are telling me? Well, it is not really the matter of eating or not eating, boycotting or not, it is for me the matter of the ideology, the moving force behind it. Just to be honest, I actually like the stand the muslim are taking with economically pushing and proving their power. I like that we can stand together for a cause. Use our strength point to push our way and say 'No, we don't like what you are saying. Please, stop. Don't even apologize. Just respect our feelings when we say we don't like the damn cartoon.' Good. Fine till here. End of story. But having some extremist say, 'death to denmark. Death to don't know what' is utter naivity and stupidity. You people, your prophet was made into a 'terrorist', and you are not doing anything other than taking this cartoon into reality. DAAA. Everyone of you, of us muslims, is a prophet. Not prophet Muhammad, but the symbol of Islam. The pr...

Hey you! Why are you like that.

So where is the catch here? Don't say you don't know. You see it, yet unable to take an action, this is a total different story. But you do see a pattern. You do see where the manipulation is. Your side. The other side. You see position. Stronger. Weaker. You see who needs the other more. You see the possibility of being used. You see selfishness. You see passiveness. Playing with words. Art of negotiation. You are not convinced. You smell something fishy. Words like 'hope' and 'things will change' dont really ring a bell in you, yet you pretend to be convinced. You are not convinced. You just are curious, maybe, to see what will end. You know how it will end, but still want to attend. Aren't you bored, or it is just that you are hopeful this time it will work. Well, it might work but not if you continue that way. You see what you are doing. You are putting all one hold. Everyone. Everything. All on hold. Everyone including yourself. All on hold. For what? F...

This is her name. The silent girl or woman, I do not know, who I see passing by my door everyday. Silently she walks. Retreating in the way she says 'Good morning'. Alone in her world. Totally alone. No one knows who she is, or what she does. She sits in her own space. The library. A neglected place in our company that no one goes there. Hardly enter this room. She sits in there, no one know what she is doing. Just there. You know she is alive when you see her in the kitchen, bump to her in the elevator, smell her old perfume. Other than that, no one really cares about her. But the interesting part is that she seems to not care about anyone either. Kind, shy and super introvert as she might be, sad and insecure is what I see hidden inside. I personally see her shadow. Smile at her. Try to extend the rapid good morning, to 'How are you Abeer? Nice accessories.' To which she would give a fast bow with her body language, smile and then leave. She calls me 'Anaessa H....

A small fiery yet cute and kind. Popps up at the right moments. Yes, she is small but she is strong. Wise and very accurate. I love you. Admire you. Yes, your words said it all. What is for you will never go by you. Indeed right, Thanks, Haal

Wish that you dont worry about me. TO leave me and dont hold yourself responsible for me. Trust that you are home to me. I will always come back to you whenever I want. I dont get embaressed from you. On the contrary, I feel safe to do and say anything. I am just tired. Seriously tired. I want you to know where I am at so that I am free to do whatever I want. To even disappear if I feel like it. Disappear from you. Can I? But even that I cant do with you. I feel a continous need to be with you, connecting with you. This is a new feeling to me and thus hard. I dont want us to talk about that again, yet, dont want to talk about anything but this. It is the only time I feel so close to someone to that extent. Effortlessly. Feel safe and secured. I think I am tense because I shared a lot of who I am. Somthing I have been capturing all my life. I thought it would be the best gift in my life when time comes and I share it. But now with all the complications it is causing deep pain. Finding y...

I wasn't in the mood to even talk. I waited until it was time to go and then in a blink I was out. G., called, he had just arrived from Italy after a short christmas vacation. He wanted to meet for a coffee and sushi. Don't know. I didn't feel like talking or even eating. Sushi sounded too cold for the mood I was in, plus it was freezing that day. Well, for other reasons too sushi wasn't the best suggestion. It has memories with me. He called and asked me not to do Sushi, and wait for him till he is back. I said, 'Fine, you dont have to promise thought.' Promises now have no importance to me. Doesn't mean much. 'I promise'. Promise what? Next time I will make you sign a paper to make sure I get what you are saying the right way. Anyways, I went home then walked to Cilantro. Sat there and saw my cousin, Amiee. They say she looked like me. Then people started to pop in. I wasnt in the mood for any actually, not even for G. The usual gang appeared. I di...

This is not my state, but my friend's name, or what she liked to call her self on the cyber space. Stoned is my friend since, what, 15 years. Wow. That's a lot. Maybe not a lot for some but indeed a lot for me. Anyways, both of us happened to be in the same state of being recently. We didn't talk for quiet sometimes for various reasons, mainly because I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. She insisted to connect. Emailed. Smsed. Left messages. Sent songs. Everything. She wanted to talk. To tell me what's up with her, and to know what's up with me. As if she knows. Knows that we both need to share. Yes, A. it was great sharing with you. I never talked personal to anyone. Not on my personal stuff. Not even A. Hardly do I do that. Well, on that day, when I was going mad, she smsed me at the same exact moment that I needed to scream. I immediately called her. she was shocked. It had been months since she has been trying to connect and I denied her. I heard her voice...

'Through the first man fails, and through the later, Jesus rises!' Beautiful. This statment meant a lot to me. When I heard it last night during 'Abd el-Wahab el-Missery's lecture. In fact, the whole lecture was unbelievable beautiful and stunning. Very inspiring. Gives you billions of thoughts to ponder upon.... I feel it is a new phase in the relation, especially after the 5 hours talk we had shortly after the conversation in Marriot.

So, we need someone to fill a job in my department. A junior job. He/she will be reporting directly to me. Very few candidates applied to the job. We hardly find anyone suitable. Well, finally, after exerting tons of efforts, and sacrifice, they got me this candidate to interview. His resume looks ok. Not the great experience or relevance that I would like, but I have to hire someone. One week before the candidate came to see me for interview, he sat with the HR and another key person in the department. They briefed him on the job we are expecting him to do. They were not impressed, but they said relevant. Yesterday, he was to have an interview with me. Surprisingly he didn't show up on time. I waited in the meeting room at 10 a.m., but he didn't come. The busy woman I became recently, I was not ready to wait for him. I left after 10 minutes and asked the secretary to send him to my office if he showed up. Almost an hour later, my secretary knocked and said that M. came for int...

You are probably sleeping. I just want to tell you that you are the nearest and dearest person to my heart in this entire world. I am thankful to the fact that I found you and connected with you on such a deep level. You give me a lot more than you can ever imagine. Not only have you given me the love of my life, but you have made me search into my soul for long-awaited answers to questions that have been haunting me for quite so long. You have brought me close to my own senses. You have tuned more finely to my very own thoughts, feelings and convictions. I am so grateful to you for all you have given me. I am so grateful to you for loving me so dearly. X, whatever I say or do will never begin to tell you how much I am indebted to your love. My dearest, rest assured that there passes no second where I am not feeling so deeply in love with you. You are my life. I love you.

...I sat alone with myself. I have been for almost 3 months extensively sharing myself, my silence, my thoughts, my food, my dreams, my books, my everything. Very closely watched. Very closely watching. I miss sitting in Cilantro friday mornings reading newspapers and sipping quietly my coffee. Watching people popping in, and leaving. I miss just hanging loose. Just be with myself. Totally. Fully. Enjoying and hating my silence. Crying and laughing at my fixations, dreams, desires, disappointments. I even stopped, or lost the urge, to write. Even now, I am just attempting to write. TRYING. Not like before. I am not by any means searching for duplicate experiences. SO what happened?

The more I unveil, the more I want to unveil; the more I discover the more I want to uncover; the more I love you, the more I want to love you. My heart leaps at your remembrance, & guess how often this happens.

Started with a wondering statment about 'Wisdom' & 'Knowledge', opened to a spacious space about seeking connections between, what seemingly appears disconnected and unrelated. Place: The old coffee shop where we used to meet. US: Different. Yet... Conversation: Same energy. Same flavour. Duration: Enough for a coffee and a brownie.