STONED

This is not my state, but my friend's name, or what she liked to call her self on the cyber space.

Stoned is my friend since, what, 15 years. Wow. That's a lot. Maybe not a lot for some but indeed a lot for me. Anyways, both of us happened to be in the same state of being recently. We didn't talk for quiet sometimes for various reasons, mainly because I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. She insisted to connect. Emailed. Smsed. Left messages. Sent songs. Everything. She wanted to talk. To tell me what's up with her, and to know what's up with me. As if she knows. Knows that we both need to share. Yes, A. it was great sharing with you.

I never talked personal to anyone. Not on my personal stuff. Not even A. Hardly do I do that. Well, on that day, when I was going mad, she smsed me at the same exact moment that I needed to scream. I immediately called her. she was shocked. It had been months since she has been trying to connect and I denied her. I heard her voice. My voice was so weak. I was actually crying. She repeatedly asked what was wrong with me. I didn't say much. Instead talked about her kids and her life. I didn't want to talk about myself. Not when I am in the office and feeling this big ache in my heart. We agreed to meet and we did.

She secretly passed by. She worked just around the corner from where I am. Secretly, yes, because all other friends don't know we are meeting. I want to see no one but her. We met over lunch. We shared. My lord, she had the exact same problems that I am having. Very similar. Disturbed emotions. Deep connections. Puzzlement. Confusion. Fear. Longing. Hope? I have a few. She has none.

I understood what she shared. Totally. People would reject her right to even think in what she is feeling. But I accept that. Not because of anything other than I know what she is talking about. Can't deny her the right to feel. The same way she didn't deny me the right to feel. We both were not judgemental. We talked. Shared. And laughed. We realized how big our problems are. How harsh life can be. How confusing things can turn out to be. But still how funny all that can be.

Not sure if it is a conincident. BUt our stories are similar. She helped me just by listening to me. Playing devil's advocate. She helped me see things. I acted upon that. I saw things in their right propotions. I became myself again. Stopped acting shattered and victim because simply I am not. No one is. She reminded me of 'patterns', 'willingness to fight for whom we love and in return deserve to be fought for'. And she was right. Totally right. Guilt? She didn't utter a word around that. On the contrary. It would be guilt if I denied myself the right to live.

Surprisingly. Met him. And met him. Took my breath away. From the moment I saw him. We cross analyzed one another. Talked about it. Vibrantly. So easy. Loudly. I was a kid. He was a grown up. He pretended to be one. Didn't keep it for long. Went home with a question. A hope. A list to make. A right to give myself. A determination to go on. A dare to be who I am. A will to cherish it. Next day, he didn't come. I waited. Oh well, I thought. He must have been an illusion.

Realized. We all want to be understood. Touched. Felt. Recognized. Yes, that's it. Recognized. We crave to be recognized. Not our outer side but the very deep side. The hidden part. We want our secrets to be reveled. Just to the right one. Just to who wants to uncover. And never get bored from uncovering. The only trick is, do we have something to uncover?

Abuse! Please don't. Oh well, you both already started. One because he wanted to be victim and a hero. The other because he is just scared. Realized what happened. The spark but got scared. Scared? Yes, from being uncovered. From being too vulnerable. Want to be in his tower regardless how lonely this tower can make him feel.