12 Jan 2008

VANILLA

And life has endless stops. Endless 'stops' and endless 'goes'. Endless startovers. The only one constant fact, life never stops. Not at the loss of something or someone, or even the dramatic wining of the very thing you ever wanted. I tend to forget all about that when in the midst of either extremes, although I endlessly during my stable cycle, I enjoy the stability. But I know now that I enjoy the 'action' much more. Either good or bad. I enjoy engagement. The going deep down until there is no more depth, and drill the everything to the last drop. And in most cases, I had already knew what the findings would be, i choose over and over to go on with the same path. Maybe hoping that the results will be different. But again, i realized that I do like my tennis beloved, pete samprass, i try a new technique even I keep losing points, until i master it. I do that. I changed. And i realized that.

I enter something and get out of it, maybe with the same result: 'Phew, I threw myself there for nothing.' But when I pass all the emotion stress, I look and say, 'You are good. Need some tweaking in that and this. You cant handle x and y. You thought you were good in A but you are not, so drop it.' And heavenly the next experience I am able to practice what I am weak at. And this has been a blessing.

I realized I am not an ambitious lady. I dont really want to be the CEO or most famous person. But I realized that I all the time struggle to be myself and get closer to me. I really dont want to neglect me. Not again. I dont want to live to other's expectations of me. They dont even know me! And there expectations are always 'proper' one that I found to be idealistic when I am human.

I do bad decisions. I do mistakes and screw myself. Disobey. And I now grew outside the 'perfect' image and enjoy my real role as, may I say, a sinner? I am more and more trying to be accepting of this new 'expectation.' Why? Because I know I will not do it again, or at least because I am not a abuser or a heartless person.

I am passionate and risk taker and do see things differently. I will not come and go without stirring up something. Unintentional. Just by being myself I totally do that. I tried to hide that, but alas, my nature prevails. There is something in my eyes and my way that scandalize the pretending.

I am happy I am the way I am. However, learning and learning. And as my professor who endlessly believed in me and endlessly reveal it, told me while hugging me when I was about to leave: Dont worry. You will never stop learning.

And will never stop taking risks.

2 Comments:

Blogger Al Sharief said...

Heartfull as ever...
even 12 & half days after the resolution

Still grat willto ...
Not Shy to fully engage and to take the effort
Plenty of Courage = Heartfull...
Determinant to start the plan

Please turn the page everyday...
The result will be the great willto...
you are what you are
&
I'll get the joyous deep deep sweet read.

belated New Page wishes

cheers

1/13/2008 12:29:00 am  
Blogger haal said...

Welcome back my old friend. Long time no seen. Been a long while since I wrote and you commented. Not sure, but I feel happy to get back some old friends. Great memories.

Thanks for stopping by. It feels good.

1/16/2008 12:05:00 pm  

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