31 Jan 2008

CURTAIN

She has been driving me crazy. Or is it that I am driving myself crazy. Really intense relation. At time complete peace and another just war of troy. It is all put up and down by me. She remains for all the past decades an apparently silent partner. We are just not compatable. I have to accept that. We think differently. Act differently. React differently and for sure do things and comprehend things so different. Neither of us was able to take a step forward to understand the other. What we have is temprorary peace that is to be exploded at any moment. Basically by me. She never initiates it. I do. Not a single time did she start.

Well, this is to the outside eyes but in my eyes, she silently triggers me. Silently and coldly triggers me. Not through doing anything but just simply by being herself. This 'herself' annoys me to the max. I demand perfection and she simply can not handle that. Never did. And she will never do. I blame her inside and no matter how I try to get over it, she fails me. I can not help but feels betrayed.

I forget. Start a new page and re-explain. Tell what is important to me. How to win me is easy, just do some effort. I dont really want things done but I love to see that some effort is done. Some effort. But maybe the effort has to be done in a certain way. I want her to believe in what she is doing. Not do it because she is trying to please me. Do it because she believes in it. Specially if it is simple things. If her excuse is always 'I am lazy. I did not find someone to do it. ...etc' I hate that. If you want to do it, you will find a way. And if you did not find a way, then ok at least you tried.

I explain how these things are important to me. And again, she promised. Over promise and do nothing. I believe her and then watch her slack again. Or just not able to stand to what she promised. I wonder why did she promise in the first place. She tries to please me? That's beautiful but if you continously fail me, I get pissed. Tell me you cant do it and I will stop. It seems that I cant stop until you tell me. Some people believes it is that I believe in you and thus keep pushing, but I think it can be stupidity from my side. I keep asking for the same thing over and over. All i want is to either do it or tell me you cant. If you can't then it is fine. At least I finally got the reason for you not doing it. I am not smart to catch it on the fly. Please tell me.

Dont over promise. I stall. I 'bahange'. I really do. Need direction there. A verbal one. Tell me you cant and I will let you go. Else, I enter an endless loop.

Feel passionate about what you do, else dont do it.

Give me good excuses other than being lazy

Show me that life is moving. Dont give me excuses at anything I ask for. Dont just blame it on anyone. I hate to see things not working or stacking there for no reason. Delayed delays. I dont like that. Move on. Want me to love you, Move on.

I am hard to be with, I know. I see mistakes and if you do it right, I think it is normal. Not for anyreason but because you tried, and this is what you get when you try. Things move. Why do you choose to hang in there. Blaming.

I like to be taken seriously. If I ask for something, this means I really want it. I am not joking about it. I can do it myself. I hardly will ask for things. And my requests are not too difficult. And are not too much.

It is tough being there. I am glad I live alone!

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