14 Jan 2006


Wish that you dont worry about me. TO leave me and dont hold yourself responsible for me. Trust that you are home to me. I will always come back to you whenever I want. I dont get embaressed from you. On the contrary, I feel safe to do and say anything.

I am just tired. Seriously tired. I want you to know where I am at so that I am free to do whatever I want. To even disappear if I feel like it. Disappear from you. Can I? But even that I cant do with you. I feel a continous need to be with you, connecting with you. This is a new feeling to me and thus hard. I dont want us to talk about that again, yet, dont want to talk about anything but this.

It is the only time I feel so close to someone to that extent. Effortlessly. Feel safe and secured. I think I am tense because I shared a lot of who I am. Somthing I have been capturing all my life. I thought it would be the best gift in my life when time comes and I share it. But now with all the complications it is causing deep pain. Finding you makes it harder for me. I am afraid I will close up again very strongly. Deciding I dont want to share with anyone again. I am just too sensitive. Can't imagine or accept that when the time had come to let go of all I am hiding, I will be ordered to stop.

You are the closest person ever to me. Just I feel I am talking to my self, even better. This longing to you is killing me because I just want to be with you all the time and I can't. So I start to hate this longing. I am sharing here but I own all these feelings and my inablity to deal with reality.

I dont know from where are all these emotions coming from. Never knew I hid so much. I just cant stop being too emotional. All the contradictory emotions. All rushing at once. At the same time.


Blogger Al Sharief said...

Salamat Ya haal?!?
What do I know...
fell like apolgies are due...
for thinking for even a shor while
that I understand what prompted such deep deep emotions.
Yet I feel the strength from your within. The contradction.
so I claim I can understand the motives & the drivers.
But What do I know...
and for that matter what anyone else knows...
Be blessed.

1/14/2006 09:40:00 pm  
Blogger haal said...

Yes you know. You come from the outside and see what is inside. No apologies are due. Maybe more insights are due. Can you endure to do that. I will really appreciate it.

Love can be spotted easily. No experience is needed. We just tune to it. And I guess you do that.

1/14/2006 09:46:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what...I just turned on my computer to write someone an e-mail telling "almost the same feelings you stated in ur post"...but tried to give it a second thought keda & cool down. fa I thought I would have my blog tour...and guess what stumbled in your post...
"Love can be spotted easily. No experience is needed. We just tune to it. And I guess you do that"...wish I could know how??

1/14/2006 10:23:00 pm  

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