A Message from within

Is it the crave for connection that is keeping you up tonight; urging you to come here to read me; bored? Am I entertaining you? or is it just an attempt to connect? But why? And I am sure you are here. Now. I just know it. Funny? Scary? But it is true. I can see you beyond this page. I know I did not make it yet to your 'favourites'. But I feel it when you google 'a message from within'. Click the first link to come to me. And I wont sleep unless you do. Please go sleep.

I am frightened because i have realised the full extent of my imprisonment. He has fostered my love for solitude.

The night seems so long. Sleepless. I pulled the mattress to the floor. Placed it in the balcony. Sleeping on my back while watching the dark sky. Full of stars. All so vivid and shiny. Glittering and sending me signals. I stare while lying there. Wrapped up in the fluffy blanket. Hugging the pillow. Feeling the warmth of the company coming in. I look and see the moon. A full cresent. Rising up by the minute. Peeking at me and reminding me of nights I stayed out talking and sharing. Witnessing good and sad time. Happy and agnoized heart. I feel the warmth in the cool breezed night. Between the mountains. Full sky. Stars and planets. Understanding moon. Encouraging and supporting. Triggering and asking me to let it all out. I did. Been so long. Since I witnessed all that and let myself connect. Been so long. Have not wished to connect. The dryness and sadness dried my heart and squeezed it to the last drop. Swept away all the security and hope. Far and away. I wished to be seen. Empathi...

Sad. Confused. Lonely. Bright. Productive. Practical. Robot. Mechanical Emotionless. Cynical. Agnoizing Wondering. This ache is depriving. Drilling and soaring. Love does not liberate us. It is no matter how much I keep saying how much I love you. The reality will always prevail. Love is not enough. Love is not enough. I reach the same conclusion. Again? No. Always. Just the matter of me seeing it. Both seeing it. I want to rest.

The weather is sad here. Nice breeze. Amazing view. Clean and neat. Luxurious. Simple. People are so friendly and helpful. We had a walk past midnight after we arrived. Dressed up simple and classy. Went food shopping and we choose the best quality products. Made me smile. And realize, that this is a trait. A gene. But still it is sad smile.

...i would say how much i miss this presence in my life and situation. But I can't. ...i would say how many times i space out with my thinking in many situation and know that it would be different had this presence been here. But it is high expectation. ...i would have a home to go back to, feel supported and secured in the midst of any day-to-day encounters... knowing I have someone with him i shed off all my masks and knows me well without explaining. But proves impossible. ...i would play and giggle. dream and plan. progress and move steadily. according to god's plan and orders. soul level. supported by this presence. But it is hard. ...we would talk and talk. discuss and discuss. learn and unlearn. teach and receive. smile in awe. in appreciation. of one another's opinion and sharing. But is never attained. ...we would share share share. listen listen listen. understand and empathize. contain and hug to rest and include. silently affirm and invite to a safe shore to cry...

It is beyond the world of 0's and 1's. So they told us. Promised an out of this world connection when the 21 was given and the essential 1 was trusted. Sometimes when the channel is opened. The longing is present. The truth is apparent. The whole world is presented. And you have to trust what you see and feel. It is an ability. To reach you wherever you are. When the need calls for. Just expand it. Forget the blame and go beyond the seen. Reach for the code that once served as a sign. You find it all. Is this a sign? Maybe. But we do not have to interpret it more than it can endure. I smile. And maybe wonder in awe from the ability. Diminish it to my mental ability. Mind. But deep down. In the corner of the map. The legend says: it is the heart that masters all this game. But I once again ignore. And attribute it to the sight tracing the 21. and not the 1? The 1 is not to be traced. You only trace what is away. You only trace what is outside. But I also for sure learnt to let a...

- The topic of inflation has been dominating me recently since the Greenspan book. It is affecting my routine, but asserting my previous thoughts and inner attitude. Today I parked my car away from MJ, my hairdresser. Why? Because I used to give the valet 5 pounds for taking my car and parking it, when I could do that myself. I always thought when giving him the 5 pounds that this was way too much for the service you are giving me. I was not happy, but its the price of the showy people, and I dont want to pay less than any other woman going up there. Why? EGO. But recently I decided what the hack? I start giving 2 pounds as I used to do. Why over pay? And I endure the look from Rizk. The nubian guy. But why would I over price the mediocre service. Why let them get used to getting high pay for a effortless job? And recently, all the valet guys are Nubian? Is that part of the 5 pounds I am paying? Being served by those people colour? - My mother's house doorman has these 2 boys who ...

I dont wanna talk About the things we have gone through Though its hurting me Now its history I have played all my cards And thats what you have done too Nothing more to say No more ace to play The winner takes it all The loser standing small Beside the victory Thats her destiny I was in your arms Thinking I belonged there I figured it made sense Building me a fence Building me a home Thinking I would be strong there But I was a fool Playing by the rules The gods may throw a dice Their minds as cold as ice And someone way down here Loses someone dear Its simple and its plain Why should I complain. But tell me does she kiss Like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same When she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside You must know I miss you But what can I say Rules must be obeyed The judges will decide The likes of me abide Spectators of the show Always staying low The game is on again A lover or a friend A big thing or a small The winner takes it all I dont wanna talk If it makes you ...

It is a dominant feeling. At times dormant, at others alive. So alive. A constant feeling of suffocation. A look forward to simply leave. To be able to breathe. Feel the expansion. Not sure what is stopping me. Has nothing to do with being ungrateful, or less loving, or whatever accusation. It has all to do with level of comfort. But the question is: leave to where?

You smile. Laugh. Eat. Say stories. Share..... but when they look away, down to their plates, and in the midst of your laughs and giggling,.... you find yourself look away. with the corner of your heart. to this place. to this face. to those moments...... and weep. remove the tear. of course the laughing tears. to them. but to you.... you immediately know you are not happy. and also realize that you were not happy there too. only clinging to a projection that has no existance only in your imagination. and between the reality and the projection, you reject both. need neither. and you find yourself excusing yourself to go wash your face. and you keep on weeping. and the more you wipe away the tears, endless come out again. look in the mirror, and force a smile. you do not even perfect it because the fans are too naiive to see the reality. to pierce and recognize. they just are content with the mask. and it is not even a good mask. but this is their ability. and this is the cheap price yo...

It is a realization..... no matter how you clean the room. rid of all the garbage and unneeded. lick it clean. it has a capacity. question is... what is wrong with changing the room?

' ...some spend a lifetime embracing their pains. they know that no matter how or how much they share, no one will care or understand. they are too sensitive to accept interest without sincerity, and too proud to accept sympathy without comprehension. ' Annonymous said. indeed no one will understand. even if they care. some of us has special nature. need certain attention. long for particular recognition. not to praise them. not to worship them. not even to fear them and do what they would like. out of fear. and maybe love. some are very sensitive to all that 'fakeness'. in a better mode, i will say 'inability'. they just are different. i am not sure where the line is drawn between acceptance and letting go AND doing an effort to bring people closer! i personally tried. almost all my life. starting from my family. the closest clan. to understand. to see things my way. did not work. i tried again. explained my way. how i like things. where i come from. how i sens...

I feel emotionally drained to the max. Inability to connect. Can not seem to want any company or connection. I think it is a 'scorpio' state, that even Medhat Saleh yesterday was not in the mood. The concert was energy-less, which is not a scorpio thing by any means unless irritated. I did not enjoy it much. I was irritated. And wished for a good relaxed time with something I enjoy: Live plays and concerts. But it was not it. Do not want to say that I am disappointed. I am not. I just wanted to load-off. With a perfect cool air yesterday. I drove there while listening to music and sipping my coffee. Slowly. SLowly. I was not super excited, nor was bored. This state... Wanting to enjoy. The opera was nice and I was feeling very balanced. Just not wanting to talk. Or even able to listen to anyone talk to me or engage in any conversation. I throw myself on the floor and sat waiting. Did not move much until the 1 hour of music was concluded. Hardly uttered a word. My mind was actua...

I heard you. This is your voice. Your words. Full of everything that the three of us only know. And how can I not recognize it and respond with endless tears when every breath carrying the words scratches the heart deep. Squeeze it hard. Very hard. Reaching places only opened through this sacred code. While looking me in the eye. Mirroring the pain and maybe the pleasure. Of us. Asking me to allow us feel the mix together. I, lost in the feeling and in figuring out the way, you say it again. Stronger this time. Deeper that way. Asserting the places. Our places.

I do know what I miss and I brush aside with the low expectation, give-up attitude.... It is a silent company. A totally connected silent company. And to find someone to do that with you is almost impossible. I miss that feeling yesterday and left in search for it at Starbucks and Diwan, and during my ride there. Refusing any company that is asking for a normal right. But I refuse. Gently or sharply. Does not matter. The suffocation is not in the breath, it is in the weight I carry. Of my accumulated heaviness of myself and the other. Of the.... choice Previously, I would look forward to that company/feeling because I know it exists. Now, I feel stuck with my choice, that I know that a compromise had been made. And the first item to give-up was the 'company' and all the comfort associated with that dynamics. I justify the refusal to include with my need for space-- and for any invented lie. It is funny, but I see myself escaping again. Just not feeling comfortable. Regarding t...

It could be that I have been recieving this far away calls and whispers since more than 2 weeks. I recognize the calls. I know from where it comes, from this very familiar source. It arrives so vivid and clear to a degree that I could never miss even if I wanted to. It leaves me no choice but to receive and sit silently with the voice. I have nothing to say or respond. A small prayer might do. A prayer in no particular direction. At times positive direction. At others...... I just receive the galloping part gently and welcoming. Letting it join me silently to share the inner loneliness. And leave whenever it wants. I welcome it because it leaves always a trace of pain that reminds me life. In my heart, I know the thoughts will one day stop coming. Not for anything, but the sender and receiver will be too deviated from the signal.

I guess I am annoyed. That's why I drove after breakfast to Starbucks for coffee. The weather irritates me. There is a smell in me that annoyes me. Maybe the perfume is annoying. Well, could be. But i was pulling my legs to go. Did not want to stay, and did not want to leave. But I did. Must. After a long traffic jam, I parked. Went inside. I stood in a long line. I looked like an alien. I can tell people where looking to me. I stare to the front. Waited in the line but could not stand still. I go back and forth. I do not even know what I want to drink. Cant drink coffee. They dont have anything else. No juice. Water? No. What? what? What? I actually do not want anything. Why am I here? No clue. There are like 4 infront of me. Telling her about her dentist appointment she just had. Irritating. I accidently made a stupid eye contact with a freak.... and he kept staring... UFFF... Not today please. My turn coming... but I leave. i dont want to stay there. Too crowded. Too noisy. Too ...

I did all these choices for this to happen.... and when it happened.... I feel so much pain!!!! Wish I never wanted it. No wonder the deep feeling of regret that I cant hide. He is happy, but for sure I am not. The thing is Haal, that no one changes for anyones sake. People can pretend, can fake it, can even sincerely try to do what you like, but once the pressure is off, everything returns back to its origin place. When there is no need, there is no attempt. And you cant have someone do what is not in his/her nature. and even when he does do it, it is not natural and I feel indebted or been done a favour. If I left it undone, I get annoyed. Not sure what to do. I know I am hard to please because of the very particular nature of mine, but I just really does not ask anyone to change. But at least dont pretend. Not that I get disappointed, or have expectations, I really dont. It is just I dont want to disrespect. If you pretend once to change, I will immediately put you on the watch list...

اغار من قلبي اذا هام برؤياك و كيف اغار و قلبي لم ينساك اني بشوق متي الايام تجمعنا واسعد فؤادي بقرب من محياكي اهيم فيك و نار سسسسسس وقلبي يخفق بالشواق ناداكي Beautiful song I tuned into it coming home. The music is amazing. Just Oud. No other instruments. I had to record bits of it on my cell to remember. Seems like when you tune into the oldies, they call come rushing to you. Indeed Music is Amazing. Last year during Ramadan, Mahmud Sa3d had a program that had an amazing song and touching music by Fayrouz. Something about the 'Night'. Could not remember it til now.