A Message from within

So the first deployment phase for the new plates had started. This phase's plates are starting ص أ X or س أ x, with the variation of the numbers after that. I have seen cars in Cairo, Mohandessen and even Shoubra (2 cars). All new plates have these variation. I once found 3 cars next to one another with same alpha combination with a different numeric. This I find amuzing! The second thing is I am now tracing how the translation of the letters from Arabic to english will work. A perfectionist, and detail oriented in trivial stuff I am, I am laughing in sarcasm over the faults they did because of the translation. 'Why did they translate?' I tell my brother. 'How will they account for خ for instance.. and becuase of this translation, the probabilites for plates variation will decrease.' As a big picture guy, he responded 'They have zillion of combinations. Does not matter.' But again, I am now keeping an account how will they use all the letters in translation....

And it ends to be from Starbucks. I am not a big fan of it. But it is downtown and close my apartment. 'Horton' is more for blue collars I think, but Starbucks is for the sophisticated. So A. goes to work and I go walk downtown. Weather nice and refreshing. Very encouraging. I go there and SB is empty. Perfect. After somewhile it starts to be packed. Not with high shots consultants or CEO who come to work here, but with tourists and some time wasters. A group of 6 chinese come leave everywhere and sit next to me. Screaming and scroutching Ni Na Haa YEeee. I got literally irritated. Well with the new medicine, I am 'accepting' more so I just smile and concentrate on finializing the document. Then a group of 3 egyptians, 2 girls and a guy come in. Loud and talking about a collegue of them and laughing. I actually wondered where they work. Must be close. But how come not at work now. A woman, heavy on brand that starts from the annoying LV bag, sunglasses, jeans, ISL belt,...

To be able to rest your head on someone's shoulder and remain silent. A gift. Trivial as it sounds. Not everyone can feel it.

This is my friend. Driving today back to my apartment I remembered him. Called him on his cell, and heard his voice giggling and calling me by my nick name. The minute I hear his voice I just smile. Amazing ability to simplify issues. He is my copy. Another scorpio. A friend since 92. Only friend I invited to my wedding. So, why I called him? I realized that with him I had the most of memories. I actually missed him. He would come next week to visit here. 'Downtown NY, Fall 2002. Subway to WTC to rollerblade. Last carriage empty but with both me and him. Looked at one another. Immediately started dancing like circus de soliel.' Snapshot never left. I fall on the floor from laughter. 'By the Hudson river, Summer 2002. We sharing the ipod earphones listening to Tori Amous while walking. An empty plastic bag moved out of the bushes. I screamed.' Snapshot. He still tease me with it till now. ' Pen. station. He coming to pick me up and offered to take my bag and laptop. ...

Now he is totally tamed. Or this is a stage? I don't really know. We met. Yesterday. Almost an annual routine. Last year, we met in May. Went to Laboudaga for drinks. Until past midnight we were there. Talking and talking. I mentioned a little about myself and was a master in tricking him to talk about himself. Was not hard at all. I know what clicks with him. But overall it was sad. Miserable in what he fought. Turned out that it was a complete failure. Well, I knew it would be 6 years ago. I was silence. I am not sure why I did not advise him. Yes I sure. He would not listen. He would listen to me the most during our long drives and travels. But I guess, I just did not want to force. Stubborn and ego but so damn fragile that I wont want to press hard. So I let him. Point taken aganist me, but now for me: I did not attend. It was my silent refusal. However, I later never opened the topic and treated the whole topic differently. After and before all, he was Abe. Someone with whom e...

و لسوف يعطيك ربك فترضي

Why am I angry at you? For simply imprisoning yourself in your own limitation and personality. For pretending. For the life stealing silence you adopted for years, and now embracing as a religion. For wasting our lives.

Dino's failure as a lover, and an artist, is a failure of empathy. He makes clumsy attempts to know Cecilia, even going so far as to visit her home and her family, but they all fail. Several times, he interrogates Cecilia, and tries to trick her into betraying something authentic about herself. After having sex with Cecilia, and failing to feel any sort of possession, Dino futilely tries to develop such a connection through conversation. At the end, he would ask her: "That was good, wasn't it?" "Yes, it was very good." "Very good or rather good?" "Very good." "Better than usual?" "Yes, perhaps better than usual." "Are you happy?" "Yes, I'm happy." "Do you love me?" "Yes, you know I love you." These were words I had used countless times, but never with a feeling so utterly desperate.

Indeed 'it is not how you pick your nose, it is where you put the booger that really counts.' How true. 'Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them'. But why would I care tell people how I think of them. Or even think of them in the first place. My problem is that it shows on my face without needing to utter a word. I have this tone or look or piercing energy that just leak. Currently I am working on 'Poker face' exercise. Not much progress but it is a must. ANY TIPS? 'If you can not convince them, confuse them.' That I do. Very well. Out of the simple conviction that I do not need to convince them. Leading by example, I cant be convienced, then, why would other be different. 'Half the people you know are below average... idiots.' Pretty much more than half. I know that. Including me if I sounded arrogant. 'We have been working on the basics because basically we have been having troubles wit the basics.' I at...

I am reading a little book about Hieroglyphs. I found it at the public library here. I was initially going for the Rosetta Stone interpretation and deciphering when i couldnt find it. So I resorted to this introduction. It is not bad at all. Some parts I skip. At times I wish to memorise the figures to know how to read when I am in the presence of the big temple back in egypt, but I comfort myself that I will anyway forget it by then. SO what is intriguing is the 'taking for granted' section about language and how we use it. In the egyptian language, it is different all together than english. They have dilemma where to put the sounds, or the description, and the letters itself. So the sentence has teh action, place, who does it and its voice. The last picture is the actual description. Very interesting. And the nile was the actual inspiration in everything they were doing. They way they designed the 'talk baloons' and the inscription like the river. All in straight hori...

There is something about nature that intrigues. The peaceful surroundings and the spacious landscape. Does make me comfortable. Everything in order and working within a system. With exact timings and prediction. It does make me at ease. Just that I do not have to worry about anything but the things that are important to me. GOing from one place to the other, finding a parking spot, worrying someone will invade my privacy,..endless worrying in our belligerent cairo. It can be challenging and exciting, but after a while, it just eats you up with its intemperance appetitie. Downtown. I am renting downtown starting next month. A little one bedroom. I like that one bedroom idea a lot. It reminds me of my little village back home. One is secluded but this one is right downtown. In a little corner. Old brick building. Spacious to my minute sense. Big windows and this was it for me. The window extends from almost the ceiling to just a little above my knees. How cool is that? Well..... I will p...

The weather here has been great for couple of days. Yesterday was the best so far. Today it is cloudy, cold and just so full of cool breeze. I love that weather. A little wintery and that's exactly what makes it beautiful. For all the reasons, not only some, it makes me feel good. Elegant weather. So, it is a beautiful day, right? Yes. I woke up actually happy. Slept really well and woke up with a smile, the same smile that I slept on. Reason? It is just the thought that they are closely keeping each other's company this past week, intimately spending quality time together... and not only that, but getting to sleep in eachother's hug just made me so happy. I imagined them. And took great liberty in that imagniation. I am sure they are happy. I can actually feel that. Well, me? Here? I am not as exciting as you guys there. The other little one, although hanging so close to me all day, but I cant give it the same energy that you both are transmitting. We go for long walks, be...

And it is in this book that I understood the verse I forever liked even as a kid. 'If sea was ink to God's words, it would finish before His words will ever come close to finish.' I am sure I wrote about it somewhere in this blog. But I am not one tenth good as I used to be just couple of years back.

Packing to come back home after half a decade away, I chose to have this book be my partner. I chose it. Was ordered online from SUNY. The authors were, at that time, my constant companions through their interpretation and emails. The study of Ibn Arabi was my passion although I both hardly and fully understand. But he was always a guide. Even when I sent a hand-written letter to Jerusalem, I asked him to help me with that. I guess, I was after fame and was caught somewhere between the shores. I do not know. But, I lost the book. It disappears. Literally. I did not even have the chance to get it back with me to egypt. I lost it probably in the farm; or in the van I rented with all my garbage. I never found it until this moment. And I still remember its colour. Smell. And chapters. But to me, losing it is a sign. I never seeked to buy it again because I know it is not that straight. I went to the AUC library couple of years back and I saw a copy of it there. I smiled. But did not touch ...

I think I am stuck in the idea. I am trying to get out of it but I am just reminded that this is the only thing I need. I do not know. Afraid that its importance only resides in the inability to get. Or the pleasure attached to that I only see, where the pain, just as usual, is ignored in anything we want. I really do not know. But I know that I will do it well. How am I assured? I am not assured but I see how I change. I become soft and very patient; listen and include. No matter who they are, as long as I love them, I can transmit something that they recognize. And I do it well. Maybe it is the dream that they recognize; or the natural feeling of love that can never be pretended; maybe genuine care and sight of potential that I wish it fuifilled; or maybe the desire for contribution to a better person that I seek for him and myself; or maybe, just maybe, a realization that recognition, no matter how trivial, small, stupid is what makes anyone, old or young, grow healthier in place wh...

This post was origianlly posted on November, 16th 2005 12:46. He was praying at his hometomw, when he asked me this question after hearing the khotba. Was such an interesting question,that I posted about. We didnt pursue it much further. My thoughts after 2.5 years: Surat al-rahman starts with 'Al-rahman. 3alam al-koran.' Does this tell anything? When speaking of al-khidr, they discribed him as zu 3elm wa rahma. Any thoughts ----------- Original Post Friday, Novemeber 16th 2005. What is the relation between al-Rahma and the al-'ilm? Thus to say, the relation between the quality of al-Rahman, and al-'aleem? Rahman means most compassionate. Aleem means most knowledgables in the absolute sense of the world. Not sure what is the relation? Have to think about it.

Say a little prayer for me. I dont know what that could be. I searched and searched. Nothing that my heart can accept, or accuse as fake. I do not know. I can not find a prayer I want to ask. All too controlling, practical, not me. Do not say what I feel now and then. Do not reflect what I am longing for. All my life. Been so for months. Until my mom called, telling me stories to support me. TElling me stories of my past. I sat in the park surrounded with thunder. Tons of memories came to me. And one thread linked them all.... I remembered my prayer. And it was me. 'Can I please die in the arms of whom my soul finds comfort in its presence.' When this happens, I will be assured that my passage to what is after will be eased because the shore has been reached and the destiny has been united, and the Me has been completed.

life has never been easy. it has been a grinder since i came back. you survive with all means. try here and there hoping things will work out at any point. but it seems that it is not for you. it maybe does not mean to have anything work out for now. a for 6 years? Z:yes, who knows maybe on the 9th year it will work out and something will open. a: but maybe i will die by then? z:then maybe this is the workout that is meant for you. a: but what is the plan till the workout happens? z: nothing. just do what you are supposed to do. a: and what am i supposed to do? Z: nothing. life is hard and it will never be easy. dont enjoy or not enjoy. just forget yourself, who you are, what you can give, forget how you look when you smile, forget how it feels when you were alive, ignore how it shakes you when you meet someone you love, destroy all the dreams and hopes you thought could ever happen. simply you meant to be no where and no one. a: But this is death? Z: this is the story of your life. ac...

...and the endless chase finally came to an end. I once wrote, 'Every time I thought I found myself, got hold of my life, I end up lost again. Will there ever be an end to this endless chase.' I wrote much much more. Inside my books; back of my motorcycle maintenance; on pieces of papers. Endless notes to endless encounters. Had I known the chase is that fake and tasteless, I would have indeed saved it to just enjoy a sunny day. Had I known the dreams are that cheap, I would have spent that night awake. Had I known that home is so cruel and selfish, I would have left it deserted. Had I known that prayers dont get lost, I would have remained an infidel. This is the final post. The endless chase was called off because the chaser died.

Yes O. I still believe that finding a to share deeply is home. Until you find this home, forever we will be strangers. Some people are lucky to find it. But whether they take it or not, its a choice. And not everyone can endure being home. It is not easy to go and choose it, but once there, forever things unfold. And home happens once. And it depends how you see life. It happens once. Me? I do not believe in another life. It all happens here. Make the best or worse here. The choice is here. There? There is no choice.