A Message from within

Why am I angry at you? For simply imprisoning yourself in your own limitation and personality. For pretending. For the life stealing silence you adopted for years, and now embracing as a religion. For wasting our lives.

Dino's failure as a lover, and an artist, is a failure of empathy. He makes clumsy attempts to know Cecilia, even going so far as to visit her home and her family, but they all fail. Several times, he interrogates Cecilia, and tries to trick her into betraying something authentic about herself. After having sex with Cecilia, and failing to feel any sort of possession, Dino futilely tries to develop such a connection through conversation. At the end, he would ask her: "That was good, wasn't it?" "Yes, it was very good." "Very good or rather good?" "Very good." "Better than usual?" "Yes, perhaps better than usual." "Are you happy?" "Yes, I'm happy." "Do you love me?" "Yes, you know I love you." These were words I had used countless times, but never with a feeling so utterly desperate.

Indeed 'it is not how you pick your nose, it is where you put the booger that really counts.' How true. 'Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them'. But why would I care tell people how I think of them. Or even think of them in the first place. My problem is that it shows on my face without needing to utter a word. I have this tone or look or piercing energy that just leak. Currently I am working on 'Poker face' exercise. Not much progress but it is a must. ANY TIPS? 'If you can not convince them, confuse them.' That I do. Very well. Out of the simple conviction that I do not need to convince them. Leading by example, I cant be convienced, then, why would other be different. 'Half the people you know are below average... idiots.' Pretty much more than half. I know that. Including me if I sounded arrogant. 'We have been working on the basics because basically we have been having troubles wit the basics.' I at...

I am reading a little book about Hieroglyphs. I found it at the public library here. I was initially going for the Rosetta Stone interpretation and deciphering when i couldnt find it. So I resorted to this introduction. It is not bad at all. Some parts I skip. At times I wish to memorise the figures to know how to read when I am in the presence of the big temple back in egypt, but I comfort myself that I will anyway forget it by then. SO what is intriguing is the 'taking for granted' section about language and how we use it. In the egyptian language, it is different all together than english. They have dilemma where to put the sounds, or the description, and the letters itself. So the sentence has teh action, place, who does it and its voice. The last picture is the actual description. Very interesting. And the nile was the actual inspiration in everything they were doing. They way they designed the 'talk baloons' and the inscription like the river. All in straight hori...

There is something about nature that intrigues. The peaceful surroundings and the spacious landscape. Does make me comfortable. Everything in order and working within a system. With exact timings and prediction. It does make me at ease. Just that I do not have to worry about anything but the things that are important to me. GOing from one place to the other, finding a parking spot, worrying someone will invade my privacy,..endless worrying in our belligerent cairo. It can be challenging and exciting, but after a while, it just eats you up with its intemperance appetitie. Downtown. I am renting downtown starting next month. A little one bedroom. I like that one bedroom idea a lot. It reminds me of my little village back home. One is secluded but this one is right downtown. In a little corner. Old brick building. Spacious to my minute sense. Big windows and this was it for me. The window extends from almost the ceiling to just a little above my knees. How cool is that? Well..... I will p...

The weather here has been great for couple of days. Yesterday was the best so far. Today it is cloudy, cold and just so full of cool breeze. I love that weather. A little wintery and that's exactly what makes it beautiful. For all the reasons, not only some, it makes me feel good. Elegant weather. So, it is a beautiful day, right? Yes. I woke up actually happy. Slept really well and woke up with a smile, the same smile that I slept on. Reason? It is just the thought that they are closely keeping each other's company this past week, intimately spending quality time together... and not only that, but getting to sleep in eachother's hug just made me so happy. I imagined them. And took great liberty in that imagniation. I am sure they are happy. I can actually feel that. Well, me? Here? I am not as exciting as you guys there. The other little one, although hanging so close to me all day, but I cant give it the same energy that you both are transmitting. We go for long walks, be...

And it is in this book that I understood the verse I forever liked even as a kid. 'If sea was ink to God's words, it would finish before His words will ever come close to finish.' I am sure I wrote about it somewhere in this blog. But I am not one tenth good as I used to be just couple of years back.

Packing to come back home after half a decade away, I chose to have this book be my partner. I chose it. Was ordered online from SUNY. The authors were, at that time, my constant companions through their interpretation and emails. The study of Ibn Arabi was my passion although I both hardly and fully understand. But he was always a guide. Even when I sent a hand-written letter to Jerusalem, I asked him to help me with that. I guess, I was after fame and was caught somewhere between the shores. I do not know. But, I lost the book. It disappears. Literally. I did not even have the chance to get it back with me to egypt. I lost it probably in the farm; or in the van I rented with all my garbage. I never found it until this moment. And I still remember its colour. Smell. And chapters. But to me, losing it is a sign. I never seeked to buy it again because I know it is not that straight. I went to the AUC library couple of years back and I saw a copy of it there. I smiled. But did not touch ...

I think I am stuck in the idea. I am trying to get out of it but I am just reminded that this is the only thing I need. I do not know. Afraid that its importance only resides in the inability to get. Or the pleasure attached to that I only see, where the pain, just as usual, is ignored in anything we want. I really do not know. But I know that I will do it well. How am I assured? I am not assured but I see how I change. I become soft and very patient; listen and include. No matter who they are, as long as I love them, I can transmit something that they recognize. And I do it well. Maybe it is the dream that they recognize; or the natural feeling of love that can never be pretended; maybe genuine care and sight of potential that I wish it fuifilled; or maybe the desire for contribution to a better person that I seek for him and myself; or maybe, just maybe, a realization that recognition, no matter how trivial, small, stupid is what makes anyone, old or young, grow healthier in place wh...

This post was origianlly posted on November, 16th 2005 12:46. He was praying at his hometomw, when he asked me this question after hearing the khotba. Was such an interesting question,that I posted about. We didnt pursue it much further. My thoughts after 2.5 years: Surat al-rahman starts with 'Al-rahman. 3alam al-koran.' Does this tell anything? When speaking of al-khidr, they discribed him as zu 3elm wa rahma. Any thoughts ----------- Original Post Friday, Novemeber 16th 2005. What is the relation between al-Rahma and the al-'ilm? Thus to say, the relation between the quality of al-Rahman, and al-'aleem? Rahman means most compassionate. Aleem means most knowledgables in the absolute sense of the world. Not sure what is the relation? Have to think about it.

Say a little prayer for me. I dont know what that could be. I searched and searched. Nothing that my heart can accept, or accuse as fake. I do not know. I can not find a prayer I want to ask. All too controlling, practical, not me. Do not say what I feel now and then. Do not reflect what I am longing for. All my life. Been so for months. Until my mom called, telling me stories to support me. TElling me stories of my past. I sat in the park surrounded with thunder. Tons of memories came to me. And one thread linked them all.... I remembered my prayer. And it was me. 'Can I please die in the arms of whom my soul finds comfort in its presence.' When this happens, I will be assured that my passage to what is after will be eased because the shore has been reached and the destiny has been united, and the Me has been completed.

life has never been easy. it has been a grinder since i came back. you survive with all means. try here and there hoping things will work out at any point. but it seems that it is not for you. it maybe does not mean to have anything work out for now. a for 6 years? Z:yes, who knows maybe on the 9th year it will work out and something will open. a: but maybe i will die by then? z:then maybe this is the workout that is meant for you. a: but what is the plan till the workout happens? z: nothing. just do what you are supposed to do. a: and what am i supposed to do? Z: nothing. life is hard and it will never be easy. dont enjoy or not enjoy. just forget yourself, who you are, what you can give, forget how you look when you smile, forget how it feels when you were alive, ignore how it shakes you when you meet someone you love, destroy all the dreams and hopes you thought could ever happen. simply you meant to be no where and no one. a: But this is death? Z: this is the story of your life. ac...

...and the endless chase finally came to an end. I once wrote, 'Every time I thought I found myself, got hold of my life, I end up lost again. Will there ever be an end to this endless chase.' I wrote much much more. Inside my books; back of my motorcycle maintenance; on pieces of papers. Endless notes to endless encounters. Had I known the chase is that fake and tasteless, I would have indeed saved it to just enjoy a sunny day. Had I known the dreams are that cheap, I would have spent that night awake. Had I known that home is so cruel and selfish, I would have left it deserted. Had I known that prayers dont get lost, I would have remained an infidel. This is the final post. The endless chase was called off because the chaser died.

Yes O. I still believe that finding a to share deeply is home. Until you find this home, forever we will be strangers. Some people are lucky to find it. But whether they take it or not, its a choice. And not everyone can endure being home. It is not easy to go and choose it, but once there, forever things unfold. And home happens once. And it depends how you see life. It happens once. Me? I do not believe in another life. It all happens here. Make the best or worse here. The choice is here. There? There is no choice.

When we were young and our soul collide with our desires and culture, we feel stranded far from home. As adults we continue to drive ourselves even farther from the home. If we were never taught to return to the soul-hime in childhood, we repeat the theft and wandering around lost pattern. But, even when it is our own dismal choices that have blown us off course, too far from what we need, hold faith, for within the soul is the homing device. We all can find our way back. The trick is the bone. Everytime you gear-up, gather all your energies and are ready to takeoff, a bone is thrown. And we fly to catch the bone and eat it,forgetting what we were initially following. Ah, I remember. And oh yes, this is another bone, and another bone and another bone. Until you just forget what you initially wanted or need. THe endless gearup and release drains you and make you at the end submit to the bone giver. And you forget. We all forget.

They say it is a mirage. The refraction of sun rays over the horizon. I remember how I learnt about it. I was a good kid. Read a lot. Witnessed a lot. And silently wished to be shared. None of that happened. And through that I learnt to entertain myself and play. I still remember driving back in the summer near the 'unknown solider' pyramid where sadat was killed, I hinted, 'watch out there is water'. You without even looking to me said, 'there is no water.' I smiled. I called, 'it is a mirage. Happens when sun rays are broken not reflected.' I waited for a conversation. A continuation of what I plotted to start. But there was silence again. I guess I was hoping for a conversation back then. But it was refracted. You missed it. And since then, my voice was just diverted somewhere totally else. And it is too late to hear it again.

It was supposed to be easy. No hassle or too much planning. It is straight forward. You do this, you get that. You finish this, start that. On and on you go with no real suffering or expecting the unexpected. Most things go on. You grow up, others die, you love, you get married, you have kids, work sustain it all. On and on you go. A movie that is known and comprehended with no real hassle or need a brainer to grasp it all. When you suddenly realise it is hard. Harder than ever. Choices that are endless. Decisions that are all harder than ever. Wisdom and quotes that are hard to stick to. It is not that easy and it is not that straight. It is very hard and it is indeed crooked. Collapse and fall. Rise and boom but at the end you will reach the same. Suffering and muffling. Wondering and wandering. A stranger in the big town. Stranger in the small hug. Vocal in your own yawning. This is all what you will get. Nothing. You live with who you dont love, and love who you dont live with. Hav...

I am glad I took the first step in the postponed project. Glad I did it. It was not so easy to gear myself up and insist, regardless all the illusionary intimadation and hesitation, to start. But I have been preparing for it since a while. Secretly visited Sultan Hassan at night in preparation for it. Called upon it from the very land of the red indians. And it came with an offer.With sarcasm, and thoughts I examined it, when I finally accepted it. The secret is, I always wanted it. Dearly. I paid its due, a bit late. But I paid. Its value is not a concern of anyone. It is the ancient secret between me and someone who is amazingly dear to me, finally I believed; forever ignored and put down one time after the other, yet come back so dear again and this time I wont ignore or endure the sad look over a lost bet! I am never a lost bet. I dare say that. Now.

One day you will forget. One day I will forget. One day we both will forget. And between these 3 days there will come a day where all what have been said and felt will just disappear. Be pushed aside and inside a little wooden box coated with silver and mother of pearl. But I will never be a mother to a pearl. At least your pearl. I might feel sad now about that, because you have been the only person I dreamt and deeply yearned to have a pearl from. It never happened nor does it seem it will. The perplexing is apparent and the will is weakened. This whole scenario I knew a long time ago. I did not hear my own warnings to myself.

Today I took a final look at them before I removed them permanantely from my computer. It was a decision. Maybe now they are considered illegitemate. What you woke up to revisit at 5 am, is maybe now an act of the devil after the cleansing! Prayers are not lost. Right. But there are many counter ones, that is the problem. From various sources. All more pure and closer than me. I won't compare with them. They are all good citizens and great friends to God. I won't compete there. And I do not want to. I know they will be answered just because they have been good, and desperate and suppositely needing that! so I let them take it. And I am gracious as usual. A friend of mine used to tell me, 'watch out from what you pray for....'. Right Pam. Our prayers bring us pain and suffering. Now there remained no alternative path to make everyone happy. Including myself of course. Yes A. I will join you!