A Message from within

Bliss keeps playing its music. Deep tones. Sad notes. Drilling and vibrating the sad accumulations. Dead hope and alive agony burried beneath the struggling breath. Searching eyes. Longing for healing water to swap clean the dead vibes. Cascade and hit hard with every dripping in the tone. To reach farther. To sink deeper. To peel sharper. To scratch even blindly. The pain. The healed. The core. Faster and deeper. Harder and intese. Until the colour of red shows. Drip. Stain. Drop. Erode this rotten feeling that is taking over. Only then, maybe the healing effect will dangle in seduction. Seduce to sweep clean everything but Marline Monore meeting of confusion. Sadness. Loneliness. Agony. All together, dancing, intermingling, interacting and actively inventing a new combination. This time it will take you directly to a place where you alone will recognize as paradise. Is it sadness that kills us? Loneliness? Confusion? Or all that is the soft symptom of despair. I do not know. Oh, no I...

'Her name will even make you fall in love with her. It is full of love.' I was driving over 6th of october bridge, precisely over Ramsis, on Saturday when he sent me this message. I smiled. This is his ongoing guessing game that he does perfectly to tease and excite me! As he sure expected, I flooded him with endless guessing for the girl's name. I said, 'shahd, 3ahd, wa3d' and he denied. I did not like these names but his message just sailed me to this direction. Then I got over excited and impatient and started, 'lawahez..., what? Tell me.' 'Laila'. He texted back 'I knew it. But I thought you wont name her so because of political reasons.' I replied in no time. Well, I can be 'full of shit' as he always tells me. Always this 'smart ass' who knows it all. I am sure he rolled his eyes and mumbled. Fact is, the grandpa coincidently nicked her as 'O'. My nick name. Nice, huh? I knew one thing. He will love her to the ma...

Can I share this? L just made it to the hospital. Looks like it's close [16/3: 11 PM] ---- So, I am officially an uncle now. Yes I am happy. Will spoil her to the max. [17/3: 1:48 am] ------ I have no doubt you will be the best uncle to L. I am sure she is blessed with your presence in her life, as everyone in this family is. Including me! You have been to me a great partner, brother, friend and father. Thank you I love you.

I am starting to get annoyed. Holding myself not to. Reminding myself that what I am looking for is never to be found. N. told me so. So basically, I need to focus on what I want to do, and try to do it. Softly. And without personal attachment. Well, how can I do that? I just can not. It is time to learn? The first thing that comes in mind is I do not want to accept something I do not want. Compromise? Well, no. Just choose which battles. And focus on objective. I really do not want to slip. I keep telling myself: relax. Take a breath. Well, I am more and more clear that some things do not change! It is my duty to let it pass! Not sure I can do that though! Q: Want to do it that way? A: Yes. Q: But this is not the right way. Quality? Understanding? A: This is how everyone does it Q: But we should not just be like everyone? A: Well. Well, screw it. As you like! Am I annoyed? Yes. Why? Because it is endless. I really can not take this attitude anymore. I am not sure how can our capabilit...

Never fully asleep without you by my side. Always alert. Longing to connect with you. My love, just when I heard your messages I was dreaming that you are hugging me and holding me so close to your heart. Just dreaming of that made me smile and feel your love. Can this level of embracement be ever matched? You slipped into me so silently and became my salvation from all my wounds. You filled me up with love that I never imagined possible to recieve or give. You are just right for me. I love you. [This post was originally posted on December, 6 2005: 3 a.m. Now, after alomst 2 years, I am numb.]

It is part of an approach. Generally. Full dedication. To anything. Not wise. Not practical. Sometimes proven success. Most times proven a not worth it realisation. What is wrong with being practical. Being mind person. It does not sound bad. It sounds balanced and it is balanced. Between heart and head, the heart minded decision or the mind hearted decision usually works best. Does not burden either. The mind or the heart. Both are utilized. Both are approached. Both taken in consideration. Both work in harmony. How to do that? Me? I hardly did. Either. OR. Is my direction. Result? Good I suppose. No regrets. Maybe because I regret nothing at the end of anything. I find it 'interesting', and I move on. Learning and it is fun. Only after it is done. But the issue is, nothing gets healed. The wound stays and manifest in a snarl. Snarl and more numbness to this area. A look with suspicious disbelieve that nothing is real. Most things, if not all, are just a part of a calculated e...

Coming today, I am thinking. Well, I guess I will just focus on making money. Hope it is soothing enough. More money to enjoy. To live better. To be free. I tried many things that i thought would have helped me feel good, but nothing really worked. Lots of disappointments. The only thing that proved important is to be on your own. And money facilitates your path along this way. And I chose that path. Another today, I came thinking that I will secure enough money to do what I want and work the way I want. From my small house in fayd, or city apartment in zamalek, or small studio in new cairo overlooking new AUC campus.

Is it that hard to find a quiet place that you can sit in and enjoy some peace time away from the overly loud space we are surrounded by. In a day like that when I am super irritated, the weather is dusty, hot and over crowded. You can never help but notice the uglyness everywhere, the loudness, the people's poking and piercing eyes, the loudness everywhere. All I wanted was to go out and just sit. In silence. In solitude. In anything, but to be able to enjoy 5 minutes of peace. It is not the matter of if you have peace inside it will prevail! No. We are human and human get irritated, and when they can not find a place to contain them and embrace, they just can more and more escape! Apart from all I am saying and feeling, I am still not diverting from my intention I more and more find it to be a resort to an elevated presence.

'I hope the exit is joyful-- and I hope never to return.' Frida . And 'Burn it blue' keeps playing. The same song over and over again. Saying nothing but the wordless feelings that were enclosed in this very first gift of his. He did the wonders to offer it and now, like everything we shared, becomes a symbol of something. Encouraging nothing but an exit. And 'I never painted dreams. I painted my own reality', and I never lived with you my dreams. I lived with you my own reality. As I dreamt them. As I felt them. Offering you the captured ancient feelings that never left but only lived freely and painfully between my souls. Encouraged by nothing but an exit. But the night sky blooms with fire And the burning bed floats higher And she's free to fly Woman so weary Spread your broken wings Fly free as the swallow sings Come to the firework See the dark lady smiles She burns

I have been going to the gym lately. It has been fun. I do not like the site of tons of machines standing like Romel's army but I get used to it. I block the scene and choose some place near the window to see the bedroom infront of me. Well, it might have not been the best choice gym to go to, but it was here in Zamalek and I thought why not. My problem with it, beside being a gym, is that there is no scenery that I could look at. I at times feel suffocated from the boarders all around me. Tons of walls. Small little windows. I just need to widen my sight. My membership will expire in 8 months! Almost there. Will switch to the other one suppositely. I do not go bananas on the equipment. I just do the TM and EFX. DO some stretching and leave. At one point I would do the equipments for arms..etc, but now I just do that. Every single time I go, the trainer would come and ask me if I am in the 'program.' and i answer NO. 'Did dr. Hany see you?'. 'NO, and I dont want...

The feeling of distress and the urge to talk and share have been drilling into me. How can one bear a life without deep sharing? It is almost impossible. Maybe it is just that not everyone has something to share or even care about finding if he has anything. What is better than just living and eating and that's about it. Sink oneself in day-to-day activities and just survive. And most people just do that. No worries. Just depriving oneself from speaking up; manage to block out anything they feel; transform themseleves to robots and machines. Well, it is easier that way. And it is easier for me the other way. To feel and allow myself to be triggered, to talk and share, and express and wonder between me and myself what is happening. I am not dead and I want to enjoy as much as I want to suffer. But this is me. I woke up early. Weather was nice. Sunny. Blue sky. I took my book and went to drink hot choclate. Picked my usual spot near the window and sat there. It was still so quiet and...

- H., my old friend from Masters, called today immediately after I arrived. He still did not finish his thesis! Been 7 semesters. Well, I will be working on it with him in addition to my paper I am preparing for the conference end of March. Sounds interesting. - I have noticed that I freak out people with my photographic memory. I try to convince them that I really dont remember anything and when I see them everything related to them just comes in. In all cases, I wish I will be blessed with the good memory and hopefully good ability to connect things until I die. - Something annoyed me today. I wrote about it in my diary. - Been silent all day since noon. A deep feeling to stay alone. I did. Haven't been talking or connecting almost at all. - Not sure if my coughing got the waiter yesterday to think that I am a heavy smoker, or was it my rough attitude! He was confused or new. I think I intimidated him to the max although I honestly did not pay attention to him and actually tried ...

A beautiful early morning. Since almost 5 am I have been awake as my most usual. Grace a my biological clock that I could not alter by the years. But it is a gift I guess. The ability to wake up early and just stay in bed silently listening. Things happen in a dazzaling order that only changes if a circumstances happen. Birds sing. Sun rays coming in throught the bamboo curtain. Neighbour alarm clock vibrates and rings too high to wake to pray. Coran recitation ushers the school bus picking the girls up. Verses does change. Old car motor squeak and cranks before it is persuaded to be warmed up for today. Newspaper thrown outside door. A beggar passing in the street declaring, 'ya karam al-Allah.' The players of all these I never saw. Had images of who they might be and what they look like. But i dont want to seek them or distort my image. I imagined them a certain way, authentic characters from some past time. Details of their personal lives sketched: Their dress style. How the...

'...and We have seen your face wandering in despair looking to the sky, We will guide you to a direction in which your heart shall find rest.' Now, I hear the verse again. And I smile. All i feel is that I am grateful to God. Not for passing me a chance or two or allowing an opener here and there. This He does to everyone. I am grateful for simply choosing to make me the way I am, strong and willed yet realising; for trusting to teach me to turn my face up and down, to the sky and deep into the dirt yet know how to unfold it all in and see clearly; for allowing me to feel squeezed, trapped and inrage yet insist to naturally show His most precious gift: my smile.

This was intended to be for you...... but luckily u revealed ur mask! All my emotions vanished. I hardly feel any pain! Maybe later I suppose. Just now I am so happy and feverishly halucinating from the tender tsunami waves that you whispered to me. thank you.

So Madgy did very well in the finance exam he had the other day. He came by and when he met me he gave me the good news. Bravo! I was really worried about you. Well, good luck today in the RM. What is that! It is research methdology exam. Oh well! It is fun to see young people and see their fears and worries and also sarcasm. The girl who came to the long haired guy and asked him to join her, her name is F. She works in a plastic surgery, a marketing executive to a leading company. I have her number and email. 2 of her friends did plastic surgery ranging from buttocks to refilling to lips enlargement. Her mother passed away 4 months ago. She was around 55 years, and she looked younger. Had I continued to listen, I am sure I would have inspired her to tell me more of her life secrets and dramas. But I am not that interested at this time. I dont really want to listen to many things at this moment other than cheerful news, and real things. But she is really nice actually. Polite. Surprisi...

Since I have been travelling a lot throughout the past month or so, I drink a lot of water. I make it a point to follow a certain diet and style of eating. Generally I am not an over eating type or an unhealthy type. I eat lots of whole grain food, vegetables and vegetables. I dont like sweets anymore, and more into sour things. I dont eat junk food too only occaisionally. I only eat when hungry and never eat too much until feel full. Half stomach. More important, I share most of my food and this makes most of the quantities small. My only vice is water. I do not drink a lot of water. I do coffee, which is not good. Recently, I am following a handmade diet. I eat grapefruit in the morning. No sugar. Drink Carrot juice with apples and black grapes. A mouth full of Olive oil. And a small bottle of water. I love olive oil. Not the very virgin one. The one that is cold press but not distilled. I then drink tons of green tea with honey. And another 2 small bottles of water. No food or carb ...

The great Brel's kept chanting with his painful, heart nerving voice in the midst of the scratching and squeaking of the old record, '...forces(z)le destin a chaque carrefour...'. 'PDAM PDAM PDAM..' announcing Piaf, trembling the walls of one's heart with awe and tardy courage. And al-Mahdi's troops, all geared up, fully equipped with a piercing eyes focused on eternal destiny and daring hearts; battering their drums 'DADAM... DADAM... DAM DAM' Announcing their readiness, maturity and strength to face the coming destiny. No matter what the road to destiny will take, we will penetrate there. Penetrate to the space where the good and evil disappear and meet; eternal destiny only revealed. Showing itself sharply and gently through the drapes of darkness and uncertainity. At this or that moment, closer or farther it will be, the carrefour will be elevated; the road will be one; the paths will be united; and the destination will unfold inside.

I used to see him in the corridor. The dimmed ones. He was pretty old. Very very old yet his spirit. Distinct voice. Leaned back. Sharp eyes. You can not miss him. To me, when I got to know him, was my ideal. Taught me a lot. Not school stuff. World stuff. He woke up early. Very very early. In summer or in winter. Snow blizzard or hot boiling day. Would answer my emails at 5 am. I admired that. Asked him, 'always like that'. Yes. Forever will. He taught me how to write emails. Starting it off nicely. Ending it with 'have a great day'. I would do that. The in-between? I did not abide by his advice. Not always. He would generously praise. Generously generously praise. Amazing. I admired him. For his strength. As old as Ghandi. As powerful as Mandella. As shrewd as Gates. As opportunist as Trump. Was the first one to teach me the stock market trading. I was so damn naiive. Would never forget his conversation when I got my first 6 figure job annual offer. 'No. No. You w...

I am back to my Cilantro. Surprisingly it is the only place I enjoy. I tried Starbucks but I never liked it. Always irritating me no matter how I try to enjoy it. Sunny day. Rainy day. It is always annoying. And I never liked its coffee, not even when I was in the states. Dunkin Donuts was my favourite. And the jelly donut was an old companion in the exam days especially the hard ones. The beautiful downtown dunken donuts. Working from home (or from cilantro) is perfect. Today happened to have my spot taken so I sat elsewhere beside a group of youngester studying finance for their exam. They are a blast. I kept laughing, initially pretending that I am laughing because of something I am reading, then I had to laugh with a voice. The guy they are trying to explain to him ROI, stock dividend, EPS, ... is so funny. He is so lost yet funny. Well Madgy, good luck. You needed to have studied earlier my friend. But I have a feeling you will be fine. Really. Finance is hard and it does not need...