A Message from within

I found my relieve. A temporary one.  I was able to find home away from home and home. Did not have to search far. I just tapped inside. Looked around. And designed it for myself. It changed my approach to things. Made me more free when I was there. I liked to go there against all odds. Surprising myself and others. I go there and I am free. Regardless of all the walls and the regulations, I was free. I can claim that I was the only one free there. I find my space. I find home and I was free. Free in this 8-3 timeframe. Only. Between this slot. Before and after I switch back. To inner silence. Broken connection. Sole dialogue. Monologue. I enter the duty mode. The delivery mode. Almost switching places. I deliver where i am supposed to be connecting; and connected where I was supposed to deliver. But it was the only way to survive. When you feel lonely. Alone. Isolated. On your own. You need to find an exit. To carve one. To survive. Remember after all I am 'water.' I find ...

Something in me has to change. Internal. This wound. This scar. This deep flip. Maybe I need to be more pronounced. Stop the fake or even real politeness. To maybe learn from you. Be apathetic. With a cool mind. Detached. I will try to learn from you. Do as my enemies do. Play their tricks. Maybe.  Now I'm in this stage. Need to reevaluate. Done that before. Many times. Nothing much had changed. Hate to see myself lose. Can't wait. Can't be patient. My firey nature jumps ahead of me.  Patience is not my thing. And I think it's too late to be.  Now I'm towards the indifference. With him I'm now. I am numb. And I think it will get worse. I think I might be depressed. Been for sometime. Hide behind many things. And will continue to do that as long as I'm not finding myself again. Remind me when did I last find it?

Not sure how to not remember you. Or how to actually remember you. Last time I called I felt sad. Stayed a while after we hung up. I still remember it. You thanked me for calling you. You said that you missed me. And I missed you back then. The next time I called you you never answered me. And I think you will never do. I remember you with all the memories that I shared with you. Not sure if you would ever knew how I felt. How I cherished those moments we spent together. The little ones. All there. Locked within me. Shared it with myself. Replayed it over and over. Wish you knew how I never forgot you. How engraved is our little time within me. How little they were. How deep they remained. You were a good man. And I so loved you.

He keeps switching the TV channel all the time. Toggles between the different programs once a break happens. Annoying. I get distracted. Lose concentration. Lose focus. Distracting. No matter how many times I tell him how annoyed I get, he makes fun of me. Hand me thd remote. Take me on a guilt trip. Of lack of assertiveness to pushing what I want when together. Play on all that and put a pinch of intimidation. I'd probably next time just go to the other room and watch alone. Safer. Becoming the new trend. Too bad.

- No matter how many times the machines keep screaming announcing its end, he wouldn't lift a finger to go close it. Not in a million time. - no matter how tired I am from the many items I'm juggling, he will remain still. Legs on the ottoman, nuts and coke in tht other watching tv - no matter how he promised to wake up with them at dawn to play, he ends up waking at 10. - no matter how he promised to make lunch, he will just forget or ignore. Lots of that. And he forgot our marriage date. Not that he missed the date, which is ok,but he didn't even remember. What a sign. He should believe me when I say it's a sign. Sign of negligence. Not for long.

I sit now alone. Deep in my thoughts. In my boredom. My anger. Sadness. Exhausted and annoyed. Trapped in my own thoughts that are all destructive. Secretly waiting for a way out. Anticipating an escape. Planning. Something inside me tells me that I won't last here for long. I won't last long. I know that. It was a mistake. I am now sure. It could be the whole institution that I detest. But also the members. I don't belong with them. I changed. Probably. Doesn't matter. What's matter now is that there's no connection anymore. If there is one its a exhausted one. Losing its spirit. So we chose to store it somewhere safe with a hope that we will restore its value. I played along and I know I'm not into restoring. I just discard. This is my danger side. It's dangerous to walk with me along this road even if I deduced you to taking it. Seduced by being silent. By hiding behind my silence. My strength. My random spurts. And bursts, by my indifference. Excuse...

It's a feeling of isolation. More and more.  Pushed aside. Becoming irrelevant. Feeling marginalized. Only my shadows and deputy remaining. The remote glimpse of me. And my memories. For both of us. Each in his own way. In his own pain. Realization. The fact remains that we are drifting apart. At least I'm sure of one. Certain of it. A brewing feeling of departure. A longing hope of going back. Breaking loose. I feel deceived. Betrayed. By myself and By him. Neither kept his promises. Neither honored the oath. Both ignored the present. Traced the past. Blurred is the future. Blurred is the future because I wish no more to continue. Like this. It's a dark and gloomy as of now. Scary if I looked through this same lens and projected this life for 20 more. Or even 10. Lost is the word. Disappointment is the feeling. Help is the action. But no one will help but oneself. But where is this self. Torn between the duty and the more duty. Dusted by being taken for granted. S...

She annoys me. Something in her way bothers me. She could and probably is kind and helpful but I really can't be at ease with her or around her. My first direct feeling is that I feel tensed. Irritated. Maybe because of her pretentious way of speaking. The Arabic with this accent. The know-it-all attitude. The endless talks. The endless direction to her daughter. Her speaking with her eyes and way of speaking. Acting like a man: in command even around her husband. Don't really know. I try that when she talks I look her in the eye. But obviously I looked annoyed that it didn't help. I'm just trying to figure her out. Who she really is. Why all the fakeness or insecurity or maybe too comfortable in her skin. I doubt the latter. I saw her before coming here. Was normal. Less than normal. Now had this attitude of living a role that is not her. It could be only me.

It has been tough here. A different kind of toughness. Not a back bending one, rather an emotional one. It's not the place. The continent. Or the country. It's the empty spaces that surrounds us. In a slow suffocation tone. In a non challenging way. The lack of intellectual forum. And all the emotions and attitude that surrounds that. Who said living an easy life frees you to do more great stuff. All the great stuff happens in the busy streets.