H N

It suffocates me here. I feel as if I am in a prison. Unable to move or do any action. Everything is so small and squeezed. I have to always be pretending. I am not engaged by any means. I draw this smile and pretend I am interested. I am not interested nor smiling. Nor wanting to be here. I just want some space and some distance. It is so different from what I like and what I enjoy. It is even so far from it. Everytime I go there I am turned ooff. I get kicked out of myself to a large distance. It is so uncomfortable to me. I am someone else. And I am sure it shows on my face that I am not interested. I crave some piece and some space, physical and mentally. We are engaged in weird conversation. I so not connected to it. It is not that I want to talk about some sophisticated things. I just want to be interested. Its either revolved around the kids present in the setting. Or a talk about a kid that is travelling or about some prejudgement opinion. I literally don't have anyrhing to say
Or do. And he turns to be sommeone else. An insecure. Controlling.here too? I am suffocating from trying to turn me into a replica of you with the endless over protection that I become intimidated to say or do anything alone. I always feel under pressure. It is amazing how I am so turned off.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

ISLAMIC SHOP

Never thought I was going to enter this islamic store, or so does everyone call it in the area. Al-tawheed we al-Nour. It was quite an experience. I am heading to France this week so M. asked me for hunting pants that she can wear under her cloths in winter. She wanted them in pure cotton, and pointed me to this tawheed place. So, there I went. Upon entering the place, I thought I was transformed into this new world. A hive, except it is a lazy one. Only crowded. All the sellers are men with the praying sign on their forehead, some with long beards, the plupart majority wearing greyish short pants and weird colour shirts. You can't miss but feel that they all look the same. Of course, the sound of 'iza'et el coran al kareem' was screaming everywhere. Coran, ahadeeth, preaching, all what you want. So I headed to the women section, expecting the sellers to be women. Veiled women. Munaqaba women. Whatever. It is women section for god's sake. Never expected a man to s...
Read more

WISH

...i would say how much i miss this presence in my life and situation. But I can't. ...i would say how many times i space out with my thinking in many situation and know that it would be different had this presence been here. But it is high expectation. ...i would have a home to go back to, feel supported and secured in the midst of any day-to-day encounters... knowing I have someone with him i shed off all my masks and knows me well without explaining. But proves impossible. ...i would play and giggle. dream and plan. progress and move steadily. according to god's plan and orders. soul level. supported by this presence. But it is hard. ...we would talk and talk. discuss and discuss. learn and unlearn. teach and receive. smile in awe. in appreciation. of one another's opinion and sharing. But is never attained. ...we would share share share. listen listen listen. understand and empathize. contain and hug to rest and include. silently affirm and invite to a safe shore to cry...
Read more

CAN IT BE

I was reading Atallah's when I found these words. انا لا أشكو، ففى الشكوى إنحناء و أنا نبض عروقى كبرياء by Kamel el-Shinawy. Can one really live without complaining? I don't know if we can do that. Someone always tells me that you should know exactly where to direct your complains. Don't waste your time asking homage from the servants, go to the owner. Go directly to the source. He would know how to help, otherwise it is a waste of time. I agreed back then, but still had problems. Now I don't agree, and still have the same problems. I tend to conclude that these problems are my destined luggage that I need to get rid of but they are deeply rooted in me. I had to take a dive down. And yes, there is Boss, who isn't really a Boss. P.S. Some of the comments exchanged down here are meant to be funny. Nothing personal. Please continue with the discussion. My pleasure.
Read more