A Message from within

We are forever haunted by this idea that jews are the enemy who is trying to destroy egypt, islam, arabs; lived and breeded on the conspiracy theory from this enemy who is monitoring us so close. Almost all flaws we have and any critical situation we attribute it to the 'Enemy' and the 'conspiracy theory. Well, this is the Egyptian vs. Jews. Now we are in a different conspiracy inside Egypt. Muslims vs. Copts... Copts vs. Muslims lest they pick on why I put Muslim first!! So the Copts are really under the impression that there is a conspiracy against them from the Muslims. Ridiculous as it is, but it is really alerting. Not only so, but the people who are really believing that are a well educated people who are suppositely enlightened. - Muslim Brotherhood are the ones who burnt cairo during the king's time! (Never heard of that...) - The Pigs were all slaughtered to destroy the christians financial situation and to annoy them and was called for by the Muslims at the pa...

So if Islam was not the religion, and Prophet muhammad invented everything and the koran was stolen from poetry, hinduism...etc as the christians now are trying to claim and exerting all efforts to dig this out, still what will make me take christianity? What is so certain about Christianity that is beyond debate that will make me choose it without any doubt. Nothing They still eat biscuits and drink wine as a symbol of blood and body. They fast after this event for hours after they eat and are not allowed to get anything out of their mouth lest 'part of the body' gets out! PHEW!!!! Sounds like pagan times to me! I understand it is a symbol, but still, what is that! If u are smiling and nodding...yes, we talk a little about islam and christianity.. I maintain a cool face and dont debate almost at all. Consciously diffuse talks away from islam..As much as i can I let him talk about his christianity and ask clarifying questions. Opinionless attitude (who does that better than me...

Same group. My brother's friend, A. I played social and connected with him. It was first time to see him and his wife since he got married. He used to come to our house a lot, and we were friends because of my teasing to him. It is this connection that allows us to be super simple with each other, yet know almost nill about one another. But we liked each other. His wife, N. Never saw her except in the wedding. I had one impression, 'Sloppy'. When I first came to see her was at their house. Chateau. 816. She was inviting me to ftar. I did not particularly like the attitude. She is simple and all, but not this elegant, understanding simplicity. More of this shallow simplicity. The thing I noticed is her sloppy way of eating. Twisting her mouth to catch a bite. Her way of dressing up or down, i hardly understand. Her hair too unmanaged. Maybe her face, a but undefined. En bref, this elegance aura is all missing. Coupled with her attitude, I got the point. So we ended up talkin...

He is from singapore. A 51 years old person. I am stuck with him for almost 10 days. Initially, he is this cute person who talks his life out. And I used to listen while working on my computer when he goes in circle asking everyone what are their plans, what are they cooking, ...etc. I would just mumble couple of words with this smile and back to my laptop. But he does talk a lot. Not only that but he has this 'gayish' attitude. Not particularly 'gayish', but maybe i am harsh. Just woman attitude. here is some of his statements, (along with some facial and body language....) ' I have to wash my teeth. I am used to that. i can sleep without washing my teeth. oh oh, the bathroom is not empty.' What the hell.... why do you have to tell me!! ' I will cook beef. Beef is so cheap. It is 2$. I will go get beef. the brocoli is 99c. i got brocoli.' 'I dont want to change my room. I like it here. I cant sleep in the other bed. They can move. It is darker here....

There is something about people from this culture or part of the world. Panic! They are always scared. Panicing. Worried. They feel strangled in their own thoughts and rules. Maybe because of the too many rules. Could be from the so many expectations. And for sure the very limited space and tolerance for mistakes and errors. I remember my friend volker, who used to literally panic and get ulcers before exams, told me when I exclaimed about this attitude in a sarcastic way, he said: 'everything you do, all your history stays. It all goes in the C.V. Nothing is passed unpaid for.' And I realized the word 'forgiveness' not tolerance. Forgiveness. And suddenly I realized that this western culture has no forgiveness. It is all governed and managed by a huge interrelated system. Who will forgive you. No one. On the other hand, in Egypt, we are so forgiving that we end up in a mess. Balance is always good. But until this happens, i prefer the system. For sure.

So everything is about this P. They wakeup in the morning and a bee hive is at it's peak. All revolve around that. They impress me but much nore than that, inspire me. Make me wonder about where we will be in a decade, and how far away we will be from them. So they wakeup. Brush teeth and wash face. Get dressed simply but in what I call elegantly. And breakfast. And they do that fast too. Healthy and fast. Cereal. Milk. Juice. Toast. Coffee. All that while reading the papers or working on their computer to see what their plans are for the day. Later, they go up take a shower and get ready. What I like, and have text my partner about but he turned me off as usual, is that they always seem clean. They smell nice. Look clean. Feel clean. And although we claime to be knowing all the etiquette things, they do eat in an elegant way. It is not about knowing the etiquette, but about this balance thing we lack. This 'self-knowing' attitude. Know who I am. What I want to do. Why I am...

I am home alone. Finally. Put everything in order. Dimmed the lights. Opened the windows for ventelation. Adjusted my bags and bedroom. Now just sitting on the dining table near the window and browsing. Listening to the washer machine running as it washes my clothes. I like it that way. Quiet. Silent. Alone. Neat. Empty. No excess of anything. Just me and myself. No disturbance. I have been doing nothing in the past 7 days but walking around. With no plans. I just get the map. Walk. And go from one place to the other. Nothing in particular that I am in a hurry to do or see. It is pretty simple over here. So it is that I walk and have this mini conversations running in my head. That I am not even aware of. In other words, does not even bother me or notice it. Tomorrow probably will go to the mountains. Will go sit and read. Will see how it is like there up. They say it is beautiful, but they say that about a lot of things that turned out to be nothing in particular. They have a naiive t...

I lost the key to the apartment. I kept searching a lot. 4 times. I am insisting that it is not lost and I can find it. I can't let go of the idea that I might find it. And I keep searching more and more. Amazing. Can't I let go and accept it is lost. Instead of searching, I can just go down to the guy and give him 5$ and get the spare. Even that, I say I will do but will ask the guy 'what if I found the key?'. Control Freak!

It is whenever I land my foot here, I feel attacked. Not me personally. But my religion. As if there is a nature tendency to attack my religion and make fun of it. Suddenly it became the root of all evil, the source of the violence, the promotor of all the ignorance and backwardness. I met this suppositely smart guy from the netherland who studied islamic history and studies at his universtiy in holland; went to cairo to take an arabic course; attending lyon for a conference; and will be going to Mcgill to do his masters in islamic studies: Islamic philiosophy. We walk togther along saint cathrience street, and the little kid is typical dutch. He checks every single stop light. Double checked the hostel door was working before we left (what were the chances!), kept asking me if i know where i am going. I said, 'No. I sense. If we get lost we can always ask.' Simple. Anyways, he started mumbling some stuff about islam and its history. OK kiddo. Keep going. Showed interest in the...

I am staying at this universtiy hostel in france. I share a 2 bedroom apartment with couple of people. The normal trend is all the french, american, canadian, south americans...almost everyone drinks!Everyone comes with his huge glass of vodka, wine, beer. For me this is ok. I am not bothered. I am used to that. But today, while sitting in the living room, there comes an american. And asked me and a nice french couple who were peacefully packing their luggage: 'does anyone of you guys smoke?' 'No.' We all answered. 'Ah ok. I have some cigarettes and I am going back to the US so cant cross the boarders with.' 'Ah really.' I looked naiively. 'Dont they allow u to cross the boarders with cigarettes. This is strange. why do that.?' 'They are marjuana cigarettes.'....turning his palm opened to show me. Uhm... ok. And my face turned red. I was actually scared! The french guy looked disturbed and so was I. I looked to the french couple and, afte...

So I have not thought about this side of me. This side means, this side that is hostile. Not just hostile, because I am actually generally agressive. I mean politically hostile. I discovered that I cant stand Israili. Not sure what happened. I used to see them all the time when I was in NY. See their dress-code. Their synegague. Even at work. My professor. Everyone. But I was cool with that. Now it is different. I see them now and I just give them this look. Not that I am politically active or even care. Not that I like Palestinians or sympathize with them. On the contrary. And moreso i am even uneducated politically about this part of history. I know they are assholes who occupied land that doesnot belong to them, and some words about caliming history that still doesnot belong to them (this pyramid stuff). But to be honest, I do not know who is right and who is wrong. And if this land is theirs. I am sure not though. Well, as far as I am concerned, they deserve no land. Expelled. And ...

You just know it when it starts to fall. Maybe not so steep falling but later it gets steeper and slippery. Towards a sharp fall that can never be stopped. It maybe starts a bit slow. Easy. In the eye look when a conversation starts. This disinterest regarding the subject, later moves to disinterest in the whole topic, many topics, the person herself. It is this look and you can not miss to recognize it. It is the look of boredom. Of 'where is my share'. Of losing interest. Of not having to be 'good boy'. To being taken for granted. And thus you start to be fake. Not fake in the listening part, we have passed this already. Fake in trying to maintain the old things that were used to be part of who you were. But it is not the same. Not once was the 21stones mentioned. I bet it is just thrown in the drawer or deep down in one of the bags. Not once was a good note that expresses this lousy boring cheesy, used-to comments read or answered. No. Silence. ANd ignoring. ANd what...

- It has been what.... 10 months. Oh yea. And a lot happened since then. Nothing is lost I suppose. You get what's destined for you. When the 'Let Go' taken on. It goes. - Some complications on another front but it is all inside the little E. Reflects badly and balanced on the inside but it is still within the E and this is ok. Another Let Go should be let to go and it will be resolved. - Maple and Ice-hockey. Now soccer and Bananas. Erine and Square. Dinning and Shipping. INC. Soon it will be unfolded to the best. Another long hidden Let GO to that as well. - Islam and copts. The old yet so new. A war has been declared and not sure if we are ready for it. I can tell it is nasty. It intimidates me to start and end with. I dont like the feel and certainly dont like the tone and indeed I feel uncomfortable and offended. But, they are becoming so powerful and we are retreating to the back. Lousy! This one I dont see a Let Go. - Staying here in egypt put me back to the mindset ...

It is interesting. They exist. Survive around. I see them as aliens. Half people. Not sure what is fake and what is real. In between the real and the fake they survive. It makes me wonder about this middle space that exists inbetween that needs to be filled. It makes me wonder what does it take to be the right one at the right time at the right place at the right...right...right.... Obviously, it is none. Be yourself. And even this is a over-rated. Be what then? Do not really know. Be something but I am not sure what it is that you need to be. Say the right thing at the right time...etc. Not even sure if this ever work. Conclusion, self-confidence.....not even that. Then no no. this is not the conclusion. Real conclusion: Acceptance of self. Accept who you are. What you stand for or even do not stand for. Accept that you are not perfect. Be proud that you are who you are. If you want to play, play on other's self acceptance. Everyone is striving to be accepted. If you want to be a ...

just back from the movies. Interesting time today. Been a while since we connected well and simply. No fights or pretending. No tension or fakeness. It brings us back to this time of glory and giggles. Of living on our little silo island. But it remains the one common factor 'me'. I realised that there are parts of my life that no one knows about. Even my husband. Maybe cause there'd not been a chance to open it or maybe cause i know he night not be that interested. Or maybe i myself am not interested anymore or really want to keep it to myself only. Private. Full of ones own presence and memories.

She is interesting. To some extent? Yes, to some extent. She pleasant. In general. Can be many things. Can mistake her for a lot of things except for her very strong communication skills. Not the 'sales' type, but the confident type. The good communication skills stems from the very obvious self-confidence. The grounding aspect. The continous reminding of 'who am I.' And for sure, the whole package helps. Who I am, not only self defining, but environment defining. 'Me. My husband. My status. My knowledge. My position.....' All. Who I am stands and will become more solidified with the strengthening of these accumulation aspects. Interesting. Not a single thread of doubt, I suppose, crosses her mind that shakes this belief and conviction. Not that I am criticizing that, but I am interested in that. Wondering that the continuos self-doubt, over criticizing of self, over evaluation of others all eat from the bandwidth given to support the self!

I have been thinking through my way up there and back this morning. Should we continue or not. All the logical thinking is telling me not to continue. Really? Yes. Surprisingly. Only if I decided to go on, then I should know what to expect. What? Endless letting go from myside; eventually live in a silo; endless swallowing of self needs.Can you do that? I am not sure I can. Everytime I am upset at something, i have to be extra sober to handle myself on how to act because I have to be super aware of the other! And because I am 'someone who doesnt care to explain herseslf to the other', i am always to be blamed for not explaining. Why? because I am not in the right mood and thus offends the other. and the other? the other has to be taken care of while i am saying what is bothering me because the other is supposed to be trying to help and thus if he is to help then we have to make him in a good mood so that i can use his help. becuase if he is not in the right mood to help becuase...

started up nicely with a dream and a spirit to fly over and reach the destination safely. neither of us would have ever thought that it would turn to a nightmare. a threat to end the whole purpose of the dhl. to have second thoughts about the usefulness of this service that not everyone can afford. tons live without this service. pay less and reach there slower and safer. why on earth did i trust it. not only that, but refused to send anything that way except with the dhl. now after miles of walking and communication to what seemed a smooth transaction, it all showed. well, it was not the first time. but it did happen before. out of denial from my side and the other side, we continue to buy-in. but what is the use of dhl if it cant make you feel safe? i guess just depletion. of time. of chances. of hope. of hope that the documents will ever arrive. that being alone is a bless!

and it is not L at all. It is a bunch of tongues mumbling and giggling and vomiting any redundant words that do not really mean anything. Parrots to my taste who just repeat whatever they overheard without understanding. and the gossiping? endless. it is interesting to be there. maybe it is time to deal with that shit. and it is ok so far. i never quite form a melange, yet stick. a small part of the puzzle but i manage to hange there freely. not totally out, and not fully in. just poke whenever i feel. why? because i dont really feel safe. the gossip level is extremely high and the shallowness is amazingly deep; and the fakeness is so real.... like my writings in this post...totally cheap!! all talk about all. below zero tolerance for difference. the moment you turn your back blocks of judgements hit your back. i can tell the foe but cant detect a friend. and in there i survive. just in my own world i web. answer when i feel like it, and ignore when i am not in the mood. let them make ...