A Message from within

My life is a mess. The finale statment to a running thought. I am scared. Not sure what to respond to that. 'No. Your life is not a mess.'

So you ate grilled hamour yesterday night with H. and Q. Well, bon appetite. It sure shows on you. Well, the least I could say about you that night is that you were the cutest kid ever. Not only because of the Hamour but all through the day I felt like I am your mother. Very cute. Sweet kid. Obedient at times and naughty at others. In all cases adorable. I just loved you. As always. For the sake of argument, will you really sleep if I asked you to spoil me? I hope not. In fact I am sure not. Neither will I do, nor will you. And I will never stop caring. Never. The only difference is that I wont have to check on you like I do now. I will be glued to you. Have my surveillance and security measures on RED that I wont need to check on you and give you the liberty to act as you like. Control freak as I am. Protective as I am always. You will never be saved from me. Be ready. After all what I said, I am angry at you. A little. I intend to forget you today. Just sent you a message to remind y...

Under Tuscany Sun I woke up this morning so missing you. Before I slept I followed A. advice of visualizing, or as we playfully say, 'bisualize'. I did bisualize you. In my hug. Just both of us resting calmly. I missed you so much. I put my hand on the cold wall next to me and called your name. I wished you heard me and remembered me that night. felt my deep longing to you. We did not talk that day at all. I am sure this kills me. So this morning, I dressed good. A bit manish. White linen shirt that you love. Brown pants and shoes. I went to get my coffee, or what you taught me, hot choclait. On my way there, the weather was absolutely amazing. Looked to the sky and said, 'good morning.I wish you were with me.' I talked to myself and realized that you and my brother like to sit in the coffee shop's terrace while i prefer the inside window seat. Both of you said, 'fresh air.' I dont like the pollution and the humidity. I realized that I always dress light eve...

This is the first day in the new cycle of our conscious decision. How slow it passed. Indeed very. Yesterday we talked for 2 hours. I did not want to hangup. I keep feeling my heart sinking when my mind tells me that we have to hangup for any reason. Clock Ticking reasons. As if this voice of yours make me so vivid and so happy. I just miss connecting with you. I really do. I keep having my cell in my pocket. Every time it purrs, I say it is not you. Just to be happy when I see your name. Today the weather is amazing. Amazing ya habibi. Just the way we would have liked it to do one of our little long walks or close sits. Hand in hand. Embracing your arm and listening to you. Eating and chatting. Laughing. Giggling or even fighting. Who cares. I don't for sure. I felt so much how I am missing you. I was looking a bit good today. Manish to some degree with a brown new pants. White shirt. No makeup. High thick heels. I look good but where are you to see that. I feel depressed. I walke...

I never heard of this book until H. got it for me from Maadi. He just liked the cover and the title. From the first glimpse on the cover page he knew I would like it. I was thrilled with it in fact. It had this cover page of a woman who sorta looks like me. Not particularly features wise, but this look of old rustic authentic face of a young sophisticated woman. An elegant ear-ring connected to a sad and at the same time curious look. Sad indeed. Curious for sure. That is me. Or how I think of myself. Sad and curious. Curious and sad. Not sure which comes first. But both exists and both exchange places. Both co-exist. When they both decide to leave me, I become lost. Really lost. Clumsy. Not grounded. They are what attracted H. to me since our school days. What re-attracted him to me after 7 years of us each setting sails to opposite direction. More than a 15 month since we united again. I read the book. It is a novel. I hardly read novels. Hardly did since college when we had to write...

I woke up this morning so conscious. Silent. I stayed in bed for 2 hours just reading 'the book of secrets'. Hopping to any page and just read whatever it there. This morning it was about 'STOP'. How to just stop yourself from doing whatever or feeling whatever. Without even trying to analyze or convince yourself of a reason to stop. It seems that this sudden stop is what creates the gap between who you are not and who you really are. Redirect the energy and reuse it in a different form. I dragged myself. Took a boiling hot shower. Put my favourite lotion and put on my jeans, boats, blouse and pullover. I went to the kitchen. Made a cup of tea and milk. SanPallegrino with lemon. A cheese sandwitch. Music. Took the book with me and sat in the kitchen reading. It was cold and I could see a greyish sky. Was nice actually. I sat there for an hour. I liked the idea of being alone in the kitchen. Warm and cozy. Very little if no noise at all. Was good. I felt better and decid...

Roaming yesterday since I am back to Egypt. Oh, have been away actually for sometime. I went to 'Metro' supermarket. A small one. So close to Cilantro. I had this awe look on my face when I for the first time mapped its proximity to Cilantro. For an unknown reason, i always thought Metro and Cilantro are so far away. When I realized that they are just around the corner from each other, i was like: 'oh stupid.' Only now I got it. Funny. So I entered there. A really tiny squeezed metro. Everything is so packed and there is no place to browse and shop. I could not walk around between the shelves. I was not really looking for anything. In fact I was. I was looking for books and a magazine, but this Metro did not have any. But I still browsed. Round and round. More and more turns I took trying to really buy anything. I did. I bought sweet onions and sweet cucumber. Nostaligic. First time to buy it for myself. First time since a long time now to shop for myself. Been a while....