A Message from within

I remember the times. Those far away times. Those remote times when I felt content in myself. I was single. Longing for a relation that captures my soul and spirit. I was hopeful of this dream. To realise myself. To realise my being. To be liberated. Through a real deep love. Real deep state of being that will help me unleash all what I have. I was hopeful. I had hope. I remember the room I used to sit in. Write. Blog. Talk. Spend my time. Looking to the walls. Talking to myself. Writing. Writing. My feelings were present. Even though there was nothing there. The loneliness and solitude brewed my feelings and made me ripe. Made me full of passion and hope. Yes hope. Hope that one day a deep pure love will take over me and carry me through all my sweet pains. And deep longing. I was hopeful of a connection. A real one. That can see through me. Penetrate me deep to where I know I exist. In this depth I survive. And I was proud. Proud of myself. Proud of these hidden gems I thought I c

So I'm back to the old trips and the annoyance it impose on me. I hate going there. Hate everything about it and in it. I feel squeezed in space, literally, and in realm. Fake. Cautious. Anticipating. Watched. Feared. And I feel like a stranger. Well I am. And will always be. And I have no one to turn to. Or talk to. Sunk in my dark feelings and thoughts. Counting the minutes till I leave. This time it's not only myself whom I'm trying to hide in but it's June and August who are following me everywhere even if I try to escape. I became resisting to all this relation and what it entails and expects of me. I face a swinging feeling between wanting to continue and really feeling suffocated by it. Totally. By him specifically. After all these years I realised that we are so different. Maybe we have a connexion but day-to-day level, we fail miserably. I get annoyed by almost every gesture and every tone. Sarcastic and unforgiving. I see only the bad in him. Haunted with

Once said that the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. Did I reach there?  I feel so. As if I am struggling to keep myself interested. To keep myself in this house and in this relation and this family. It has become a struggle. An uphill effort that keeps me from enjoying. Keeps me from wanting to wakeup in the morning. Keeps me from an ability to smile. To feel light. Rather sarcastic. Empty. As if there is a vacuum inside of me. No energy to take me through. No desire to smile or play or even accept or deliver a joke. I became too serious. Too ridiculous. Too isolated from the happening to the emptiness. Looking with a cold eye to what is surrounding me; to the supposedly happy events to mean more commitment and more work and more soul-level effort. 'I can't handle all that', I tell myself. Not that i am ungrateful but because I am really bored.  Bored from him. From her. From them. From me. Not even interested in explaining what happened. Not hopeful for

I really can not take it. I am Bored. Angry. Annoyed. I still have not changed my mind about how I want it to change. I seem to not being able to do the switch back. Drifting. And I'm actually seeking for more drifting. I seem to not wanting it ti work. Not interested. Not in the kin. Not in the chef.

This has become my new favourite place here. I go to it almost every day. I get a coffee that  I never manage to finish or drink a lot from. It is coffee of the day. Normal brew. But I claim it is the best coffee of the day I have ever tasted. I love to just walk browse the selves and smell the natural aroma of the shampoo and soap section. Reminds me of Terry, my friend from Oregon who just won't use anything non-organic.  Last time, June and I were just about to leave when a tornado started and the generous rain soaked us. It was great feeling. The rain drops were actually bulky and full-bodied. Close to their coffee. Of course the coffee got cold. I still put it in the car next to the previous ones with the hope that i will finish it later… something that I should by now realise that it never happens. No matter how many times I share the experience. Share the large assortment of cheese existing. The coffee experience. It all falls on deaf ears. I initially receive no comment

I realised that things are turning away from the perfect look that I once imagined and aspired to. It becomes more pragmatic, practical and distant. Same as the previous life. Probably will end like the previous one but this time with much more luggage to care for and adjust to. And with this will come the pain and the compromise. It might not be like the previous in taking different physical turns, but it will be deeper. A separation on the spirit level. Given the once claimed deep connexion we once had, it will be serious. I am sitting here overlooking the golf course. June is busy with taking her long bath. Minutes after June and him ended the talk, I realised that I have no place among them. By choice. By design. By intention. I separate myself. And I do that by simply not responding to the fake gestures or polite invitation to engage. I can tell the boredom and the need to end the conversation and I let him go. I invite him to end the connexion and he gladly accepts this invitat

So June's birthday was all planned behind my back. Planned to have me not included. Planned to have me not attending. More than the real intention of the birthday, which is June herself. In fact, June herself was abused to prove a point and inflict anger. Part of their selfeshness and stupidity. Yes, June might have been super happy. Naive and light. Totally absorbed in the moment. But in the future when she is sober, she will ask. I hope you will find an answer to this by then. Not worried about that actually. Indeed another manipulation will be put to use.

So today I entered John's to get my coffee and he was sitting there. Working on his sheets as usual. Or planning his next move. Or lamenting his destiny. Or whatever. Does not matter what he was doing. It is probably anything but wasting his time in the trivial aspects of his life. I looked at him for a moment. Placed my classical order. Waited until it was finished and left. Did not go to his table to greet him or say hi.  While waiting, I remembered when I used to enter any place and search for him. Search for his face in exasperation for comfort. The moment I saw his face, I would automatically smile. And in most cases, he would feel my presence and look in my direction. It was a remote longing and an intimate connexion despite the proximity and the barriers. We were closer to each other than any soul would imagine. It even surprised us.  Later, when we were together, we continued on the same habit. That time we would have a big smile on our faces and we would go straight