19 Mar 2007


Under Tuscany Sun
I woke up this morning so missing you. Before I slept I followed A. advice of visualizing, or as we playfully say, 'bisualize'. I did bisualize you. In my hug. Just both of us resting calmly. I missed you so much. I put my hand on the cold wall next to me and called your name. I wished you heard me and remembered me that night. felt my deep longing to you. We did not talk that day at all. I am sure this kills me.

So this morning, I dressed good. A bit manish. White linen shirt that you love. Brown pants and shoes. I went to get my coffee, or what you taught me, hot choclait. On my way there, the weather was absolutely amazing. Looked to the sky and said, 'good morning.I wish you were with me.' I talked to myself and realized that you and my brother like to sit in the coffee shop's terrace while i prefer the inside window seat. Both of you said, 'fresh air.' I dont like the pollution and the humidity. I realized that I always dress light even in the cold winter. I dont like to wear layers. I am always under dressed for the weather. Over dressed in the summer. Not that I like to be cold or hot, just it is moods and I certainly dont like to feel away from my skin.

I entered, got the hot choclate. On my favourite side window seat. Turned on my laptop and watched my stocks. I got a message. Really did not expect that it was you, 'got you a book aslan. wahmee.' Thrilled as I usually am. My day was done! The book you picked for me is absolutely amazing. I read the available parts of it on the web; the excerpts, reviews, editorial remarks.. everything. I was so happy. It is exactly about us, or as I told you, what we like. Even the fine little details are about us to a great extent. Amazing. Are these all signs? Well, you better get them. You just made my day.

It is a small realization that when you are happy, nothing really matters. Everything else takes back seat. You become so touched, so thrilled, so thankful that nothing else seems to matter. Nothing else seems to be at all important. All i could think of at that moment is God. Thank you so much for making us appreciate the little deep connection we had with one another; that we are able to enjoy our little remote conversation and feel so connected like that; that we are able to feel happy over small things that really means to us: US. Our connection. Our deep connection to one another. How no matter where we are, what we are doing, that thank god we can touch one another right through our hearts. Not fake. Not materialistic. Just a little minute sharing can make us so happy. That we are rich with our love and understanding to one another. That we do have a life together no matter where we are. This is not easy to find. We enjoy the big and the small things all the same. What we really enjoy is our connection. thank god.

Happy as i was, i went to check the apartment on the suez road. It was fun to do that. While there, i told the salesman that everything I am asking about I learnt from you. I had no clue previoulsy about what to ask and what to pick at. I got that all from you when we got the V150. He laughed. This is true! So, I wish we can take another one. Investment or to live in, does not matter. Just the experience and the sharing will be worth it for me. Just to make me feel there is another level of sharing we are establishing. Well! who knows what tomorrow carries for us.

Going back home I terribly missed you. I called. You were not in the mood. Your voice say it all. A bit sick. But even if so, why do you have to be dry on me. No blaming, but just i was so missing you. want to express my love and longing. Silenced all that when I heard your tired voice. Sometimes I wish you are not that practical. A bit open to my needs. But again, I am doing that and its fine with me. The level of understanding and acceptance between us had since a long while passed this senstivity stage of trying to be politically correct. However, you are never rude. Just when tired, you say it. And I wont like it if you pretend. In all cases, you stayed for 20 minutes talking regardless of your headache. Rabena yekhalek. Why am i always pushing my agenda between myself. This is your way of expressing love and I love you for that. Thanks!


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