3 Aug 2005


Not the act, but the energy. A pattern of energy that is, in my opinion, created as a result of feeling 'no one will support me', 'I shouldn't expect things to stabilize for too long, I will be screwed', 'things when deteriorate will do that so suddenly that I will have no time to recover or do any act to prevent it.' The result: Black and White reactions. Extreme behaviour. Making a drama out of everything and every incident. Things, whatever it is, personal or career ones are seen as life or death cases. The reaction is either, you dont give a fuck and you go fight the demons and go again and again in this 'black hole', sudden death, or don't do any step without being totally secured, immuned and insured that nothing would go wrong. I am not going to be hurt. I am not going to be betrayed.

I believe that life incidents do shape our character. Our fears. Our insecurities, and desires, and hence our actions and dealing with the outer world. And do for sure the depending on its intensity can become some sort of a permanant 'pattern' that if looking back to our life we can easily trace it and see how we fell into it unconsciously, and I may add, consciously.

Death of a parent who you love dearly and think the world of him, leaves a feeling that 'things I love disappear suddenly, and taken from me when I most wanted it.' During the early youth when you are still growing out of the teen stage, the one you love betray you and go for your best-friend. Another 'sudden death' telling you not to trust, expect betrayals and never give your emotions to anyone. In your career, you reach the top of the ladder and suddenly lose everything and come back empty handed only to start from scratch. Another 'sudden death'. All these incidents happen one shot. Not leaving you a minute to take any precautions. You build, dream and suddenly hit the floor so hard. Losing a support, love and prestige. All these at not time. At one instance. So harsh. Do you expect after all these hits to have him deal in a stable way. Of course not.

The fear of the unknown is stangling every action taken no matter how light and liberal you seem to be. The fear of comitment lest betrayed is hanging over there in your background and is brought to the foreground with the intensity of steam. The desire to shine in any position you encounter and feel insulted at the glimpse of 'not being appreciated' hits you hard deep down, leaving you totally distressed, and dramatizing the whole scene is not a surprise.

'I am alone. No one will help me. I will be hit hard. Everything is life or death situation. To be or not to be. All on my own. Should not trust anyone. No one is to be trusted.' Could be the support is there, but to him/her it doesnt exist. It is another potential 'sudden death'.

The end result, when really sucked in this 'sudden death' energy, you either seek to be absorbed in this energy pattern again and again. Become addicted to it and the fake pleasure it creats, and thus at the fringe of destroying everything just to prove that this energy exists. A victim of this unfair world. This could result in over-reacting and pushing aside people who care until they feel insulted and thus reject you. Once you get this rejection you are happy!

The other direction is to not take one step in any direction unless you feel that things is totally insured, your emotions, your career, your image everything....over thinking and thus stopping for long intervals checking your image until life pass you by while you are sunk in your fears, worries and wounds--and expectation that a wind will come swap me out.

And all that is using love as an excuse to...


Blogger Al Sharief said...

"A pattern of energy" , the business of Life and Living indeed is. Death is only a refrence setting. The End of a "Life" time line. Natural Stuff. Accepting Death gives life & Living.

Sudden Death however is an out of expectation & out of "Human Control" incident, Yet possiable at any given moment, managable only by the livings when their faith on "AL Hai" "absorb" the pattern of Energy of the "Sudden Death.

At all rates "Dawam Al Hall Min AL Muhal", even the laws of thermodynamice affirms that.

"AL Da~ayem" takes care of that as well.

On the other hands, Sudden Ends, are man made. Could be due to White & Black extreme reactions..

"The other direction" worring before every step, is also a form a "Dying" life...

Could swing and live activly between Black, White, and beyond. But best is somewhere steady state, where life could be livable side by side Death. Sudden or not.

8/04/2005 06:42:00 pm  
Blogger WISEGUY said...

It’s an interesting thought that there is a sudden death of energy. Is it death, or is it change? Just like energy changes in form or mutates, our lives, our expectancies, can change… our faith in a certain future changes, and perhaps, our understanding of our place with god and the world. As one’s perception of any/all of these may change, a sense of loss may overwhelm us. Like children viewing the fallibility of our parents, we see the cracks in idealized others. The relationships we have with others are disrupted and we distrust our previous beliefs. No longer are our beliefs seemingly accurate: is this person really faithful, respectable, reliable, trustworthy, loving… But in the end, it is all a part of a perception, a view of those things outside ourselves and our own need to understand and control our world... Interesting.

8/06/2005 03:00:00 am  
Blogger haal said...

Change is considered at some point, death of the energy, and thus it tends to freak you out! Scary you to change! The energy has been dweling in us for years, knows us inside out and knows our keys and thus plays on them very well.

Change is not an isolated part that you can just ampiutate and get rid of, it is closely knitted with other parts, fixations, ideas, 'realities',...etc, that in the process of getting rid of this tiny part, you will be surprised what else is it pulling with it, and the amount of friction it is creating. Everything is connected and living and breeding on other things. You start to change, disturb, relook, resee and thus all your 'reality' starts to change, and this cause pain--because on some level you are dying and another version is created.....

8/06/2005 08:57:00 am  
Blogger haal said...

'...But in the end, it is all a part of a perception, a view of those things outside ourselves and our own need to understand and control our world...'

Indeed, it is about control! But wish I could know who controls who! We are giving the illusion that we are in control!

8/06/2005 08:58:00 am  

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