30 Jun 2005


I wish things can be easy for me at one point, at any point. The sadness that sweeps into and from my heart is unbearable at times. The endless revolving and stumbling upon bad luck, disappointments, unrealized hopes have eaten my heart and cracked it to pieces. I am not asking for much. I am willing to give much. Everything. Just for the feeling of being safe, at home, heard and appreciated. I spent all my life alone. And I do not wish to continue like that. I wish and pray for a partner. A simple partner with whom life can be easy, meaningful and bearable. To be able to put my head on his shoulder and know that nothing else in this world will matter. I know how I would be if I am in love.

Nothing harder than being alone. Knowing you can love, be loved, do the best for your partner, sacrify even with your life for his sake without him asking. I can do that. WIllingly.With no favours or thinking or calculating. It naturally flows and I am naturally willing to surround him with all I can give.

The problem, it sounds, is in me. I hardly loved anyone at school or college. Even the ones I claime to go on with, I put an effort. Just out of guilt or compromise because I know how hard i can be. I remember that there was H. with whom I connected. I was stupid to let him go. I guess I was afraid to be a substitute. But we clicked. Dared to let him in on my little walks and secrets. He enjoyed my walks and i enjoyed his company. But it was my bad luck that I rejected him. I remember I was terrified when he called me to tell me what he wanted; when he later emailed. I do not know where he went. But this could have been a soul level connection.

Bad Luck.

God, I really pray for finding someone. Who can see me. Who I can see. Feel comfortable with. To trust my kids with. To trust myself with. To love and cherish. I am sure You know how loyal I am, and how giving I will be.

If the problem is in me, please help me see it. I know I wont be able to handle this life alone; this sadness alone; this grief and desire to share my love of you alone. Please!


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