1 Mar 2005

Switching roles

my mom loves politics, watchs news all the time, from aljazera, alarabia to her favourite channel, hassan nasr'llah's manar. she knows all the reporters, all the politicians everywhere, anyone who talks politics will be my mom best friend. i see her overwhelmed with joy at the slightest glimpse of me asking her 'so, what's happening with ....', you name it. and thank god we are rich with news! my mom would go on and on, analyzing this and that. i actually am not interested in politics in general, but like to hear it from her especially when i am half asleep. she is sweet. her only drawback is that she is a real nasirist, her god father, not sure why! my best time would be opening a debate on nasser vs. sadat and let my mom debate with both my father and brother, who just hate nasser. anyways, since this hepatitis she changed!

since 2 days or so, i watched she has been sad and confused. whenever i come home from work she would be still wearing her sleeping dress and sitting silently on the living room chair not watching t.v. as her usual. moreso, she used to follow this cooking program and everytime we come home for supper she would be preparing fancy dishes that she just learnt. Now, we have been eating delivery since saturday. i am not used to my mother like that. i know that she is always ashamed to show that she worries, and this leads her to just be passive about attempting to treat herself. well, i could be the worst in worrying and seeking details, but i am a fighter when i want to combat anything. my mother just thinks that things will work itself out. sometimes actually it does, but at other times not! could be a religious thing, i don't know.

i have been consulting webmd about hepatitis, and asking my friends here and there. i gathered all information and checkups required to further determine how to cure it. last night, i asked her to go together do some blood tests and enzymes to know if it is dormant or not. before i even finished my suggestion she refused. 'no no, i don't want to know. i am fine like this.' a real kid!

the first thing came to mind was my old judgement to her approach towards problems: denial, pretending things are fine, faith that it will be solved-- a thing that i sometimes find hard to grasp. i called my sister, although i know she will have the same attitude, to convience my mom to do checkups but my sister said to leave her alone and that my mom is fine. why i am not surprised. this attitude is in my mother's family's history. they just ignore problems (be it sickness, problems, family heirs, land...) until it is unsolvable or lost.

anyways, i ended up getting very furious. i am fed up with this denial attitude. not when it comes to my own mother. my approach is facing things; face that you are sick, and you need to know the details and find way to fight it. my mother just got this idea that she would read koran and she will be cured. Ok! i might be ok with that, but because i know, or judge, that this is an escape attitude i hate it. i hate pretending that things are ok, no problem, and then use the 'religion, faith' big talks, to fend off any argument or proposals to take actions. i d'rather see the shit in the middle of the room, stumble on it all the time, than smell it and pretend that it is not there.

i kinda understand that my mother might have an emotional problem, and i must not push her but i know my mom. she just dwells in these inside fear and refuses to talk about it. i know she is scared she would have a liver tumour, i know she doesn't want to suffer, i know that she hides all that, and i certainly know that she doesn't sleep at night.

last thing, which i believe might have educed this feeling is my maternal uncle. he is 83 years old. 5 years ago he decided he wanted to die. OK, fine, go ahead show me how would you do it! so he stayed in his room, refusing to talk or meet anyone. just prayed, ate and slept. his only going out was for 20 days a year when he would go to do small piligrimage. he wanted to die there. Fine too, how lucky if this is your destiny!

last week he became really sick and was taken to the intensive care in a ciritical condition. my mother went to see him and came back really sad. she said that my uncle was scared to die. I couldn't help but have a sarcastic smile on my face. i don't want to be impolite about this life-death-sickness experience, i know it is extremely scary, but i never said i want to die. i know death, same as sickness, are real hard so why ask for either! why would i deny their harshness, and pretend that i can take it all. we are just merely coward, and we have to live with that and not pretend to be anything else.


Blogger Mohamed said...

Yes ofcourse, just reading the Quran is not enough. It is required that we "na'khoth bel'asbab". Dr. Selim ElAwa, a notable scholar is totally against Quran healing, and "elteb elnabawy", and stresses that we should "na'khoth bel'asbab". I wish I had a concrete reference to point you to, to encourage your mom with.

3/01/2005 03:32:00 pm  
Blogger haal said...

Thank you for the support. I agree to this asbab part. I dont mind combining both sacred texts and modern sciences.

3/01/2005 11:11:00 pm  
Blogger haal said...

Last night she did some tests: ELISA, biopsy, and something else to check on red blood cells. She looks fine, happy that she lost weight--something I solicit her to do to look good. Now she did, not for my sake, but for this Hepi.

3/03/2005 03:00:00 pm  
Blogger Mohamed said...

Glad to hear that. Keep her morale up.

Sorry about my other comment about the picture. Was just teasing you. I don't even know what you look like, so I can't be serious.

3/04/2005 12:56:00 am  
Blogger haal said...

Sure I know you are teasing, Mohamed. I too can't be serious wanting to have a kid that looks like the picture. Have to do a real effort choosing the father, and indubitably the mother too.

3/04/2005 09:33:00 am  

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