19 Mar 2005

React

I sometimes react and answer sick remarks from my defense system; from my constant desire to protect my dignity; at other times to appear perfect, .... (fill in the spaces).

I do this mainly when I am not comfortable with who I am.

In the past, I used to wear my watch in my right hand, wear a certain ring, all as reminders to not react or act in certain ways. Sometimes it works other times not.

I think, from a very young age, I was conscious of my duality, and keen to know who I really was, away from all the tags my parents and circumstances labeled me with. I certainly lived up to their expectations to gain approval. However, later I hated my sucking up to them and went the opposite direction. Shattering one label after the other.

Initially during this process, I sometimes wondered if not acting in this or that manner, would make me disappear, or lose my identity that I came to be famous for? Eh! The fear of being Identity-less, and unknown, is far more illusionary painful than living with a false one. This process involves the death of the mind and its army. The most powerful enemy of all times.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

How true.
To be a prisoner of your own image is to have the worst companion as a cellmate.

Do you like that I just made it up?
Perhaps I am funny and clever?

tee hee hee

3/21/2005 02:54:00 am  
Blogger MoonLightShadow said...

Wearing a special ring to remember things.. umm, does that work?! I wish it does.. Wish it works with me as well.

'I certainly lived up to their expectations to gain approval. However, later I hated my sucking up to them and went the opposite direction. Shattering one label after the other.'

Seems the same thing is happening with me.

7/19/2005 03:18:00 pm  

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