CONSPIRACY THEORY

We are forever haunted by this idea that jews are the enemy who is trying to destroy egypt, islam, arabs; lived and breeded on the conspiracy theory from this enemy who is monitoring us so close. Almost all flaws we have and any critical situation we attribute it to the 'Enemy' and the 'conspiracy theory.

Well, this is the Egyptian vs. Jews.

Now we are in a different conspiracy inside Egypt. Muslims vs. Copts... Copts vs. Muslims lest they pick on why I put Muslim first!!

So the Copts are really under the impression that there is a conspiracy against them from the Muslims. Ridiculous as it is, but it is really alerting. Not only so, but the people who are really believing that are a well educated people who are suppositely enlightened.

- Muslim Brotherhood are the ones who burnt cairo during the king's time! (Never heard of that...)
- The Pigs were all slaughtered to destroy the christians financial situation and to annoy them and was called for by the Muslims at the parliment because Muslims hate Pigs
- All the license plates for the people living in Shoubra is ق ب ط followed by the numbers. It is a way to distinguish them so that.... (not sure easily kill them?) Dont understand. Very annoying actually

And now it is my turn to believe in conspiracy theory....

here is my share:
the christians are currently distinguishing themselves from the muslims. They fight and reject so hard if anyone refered to them as arab. They would say, 'I am not those ignorant arabs. we are copts. original egyptian.'

On a different side, I joke and feel that more and more christians are immigrating from egypt to north america and australia. as if it is a conspiracy theory to leave egypt to those ignorant barbaric muslim arabs who will destroy egypt and bring it down to the flush.. Later on, the christians, after building their strength and power, will come back to egypt to revive it and take their land back from the barbaric people!!!!

They laugh at my theory. But I am sure it is true!

1452 SUPPER

So if Islam was not the religion, and Prophet muhammad invented everything and the koran was stolen from poetry, hinduism...etc as the christians now are trying to claim and exerting all efforts to dig this out, still what will make me take christianity? What is so certain about Christianity that is beyond debate that will make me choose it without any doubt. Nothing

They still eat biscuits and drink wine as a symbol of blood and body. They fast after this event for hours after they eat and are not allowed to get anything out of their mouth lest 'part of the body' gets out! PHEW!!!! Sounds like pagan times to me! I understand it is a symbol, but still, what is that!

If u are smiling and nodding...yes, we talk a little about islam and christianity.. I maintain a cool face and dont debate almost at all. Consciously diffuse talks away from islam..As much as i can I let him talk about his christianity and ask clarifying questions. Opinionless attitude (who does that better than me) and everynow and then pick on something he said and play. I cornered him actually when I wanted couple of times but I let him out of the hook quickly. I am for sure not interested in a debate. There is something that makes me empathatic that is so not my nature.

En bref, I am happy I get to know more about christianity because it makes me sure that if i'd pick, i wont pick it. It is so not me--too much miracles and myths for my taste. They claim it is about logic, and it is all greek logic and myths... full of miracles that is by mere definition, defies logic.

Thank God I am muslim. I feel good about my religion because it taught me to do accomodate those whose heart are still yet to open up to this complete religion that is beyond all man-made ideas and logic.

To the beauty of the heart.

DIVINO-WMOUNT-ILE DES SEOURS

Same group. My brother's friend, A. I played social and connected with him. It was first time to see him and his wife since he got married. He used to come to our house a lot, and we were friends because of my teasing to him. It is this connection that allows us to be super simple with each other, yet know almost nill about one another. But we liked each other.

His wife, N. Never saw her except in the wedding. I had one impression, 'Sloppy'. When I first came to see her was at their house. Chateau. 816. She was inviting me to ftar. I did not particularly like the attitude. She is simple and all, but not this elegant, understanding simplicity. More of this shallow simplicity. The thing I noticed is her sloppy way of eating. Twisting her mouth to catch a bite. Her way of dressing up or down, i hardly understand. Her hair too unmanaged. Maybe her face, a but undefined. En bref, this elegance aura is all missing. Coupled with her attitude, I got the point. So we ended up talking me and A, with some sharing from her side while she sitting on the sofa, her legs up and manicuring her toes! Disgusting actually.

An incident that I learnt to shut-up regarding is 'who the girl looked like.' I said, 'Oh she looked like A.' I was stupid. Should not have uttered that. It was a negative point aganist me. I knew that later...

Divino I went. 2 more friends. A and N. and their friends (K and M). I expected something. I took the bus and metro. A 45 min transportation to meet them. I was dressed as my usual. Jeans. Shirt. Jacket. Just myself. I looked to see the 2 women coming. The one thing I recognized was that the women (N and M) are having this huge BOOOZ. Not a smile. Hi-Hi. and we sat.

M. is a german school. Very sharp face. No smiles. Nothing. A solider. She checked me out. No word to me. Looked at the other woman, N while she swallowing the pasta and making a mess. Gave her this judgemental look. Very annoying. Again, I ended up silent and the whole outing was slient. We just ate and left. So damn boring.

I got a message on my cell. K. is inviting me to ftar at his house. I had already sworn I would never go out with them again. ENough socializing. When I socialize, I pick the wrong company!!! What's with me? ANyways, I agreed. Why? Not sure. I went to pastry shop, picked gateaux and tarte. took buses and metro (1 hour) and reached their house. For sure they did not expect me to bring anything, but it is just a statement I am making. I didnot even bring a tarte, pecan or strawberry as everyone, but a pastry..... Again, a statement. If you are playing snob, I am too.

Again, not a word. The women dont speak to me. They just have this booz and talk some words to one another about kids, family, food.... but not to me. And for that, me no word to them. I just eat and have this smile.

Dinner done. I go sit watch Tv. The women gathered on teh table to gossip. I overhear N narrating the incident that I said that the girl looked like A? And How stupid that was. She looked over to me to see what I am doing, and she saw me looking. I did not turn my eyes. Smiled at her and winked!

Later, we hear a noise of something falling. Girl started to scream. N rushed to see what happened. N screaming. All rush to see what happened. I did not move a toes. THe girl obviously fall on the stairs. No harm or anyhting, but it obviously was just a moment of panic. I found myself saying, 'Ahsan! Testahel.' and smile a wicked one to myself.

'weleya habla wee baladi...'

MARA HABLA

He is from singapore. A 51 years old person. I am stuck with him for almost 10 days. Initially, he is this cute person who talks his life out. And I used to listen while working on my computer when he goes in circle asking everyone what are their plans, what are they cooking, ...etc. I would just mumble couple of words with this smile and back to my laptop. But he does talk a lot. Not only that but he has this 'gayish' attitude. Not particularly 'gayish', but maybe i am harsh. Just woman attitude.

here is some of his statements, (along with some facial and body language....)

' I have to wash my teeth. I am used to that. i can sleep without washing my teeth. oh oh, the bathroom is not empty.' What the hell.... why do you have to tell me!!

' I will cook beef. Beef is so cheap. It is 2$. I will go get beef. the brocoli is 99c. i got brocoli.'

'I dont want to change my room. I like it here. I cant sleep in the other bed. They can move. It is darker here.'

Then he had to change rooms because the french girls were reserving a private room.
'why do they move me. i will go back to my room after they leave. it is my problem, right? i wont be able to sleep.'

for 3 days he would screw my head with his stupid coins. he had 1c coins that adds up to 2 dollars! so every morning, he would come to my table open his purse while looking to me, 'i put it in a small purse to keep it.....', ok ok. no problem buddy. and then bombard me with stories how the lady didnt take the damn coins because they are not wrapped. and everyday he would come from shoopping and count his cents. Now they are down to 60c. good lord!

He is simple. Yes. Sweet. Maybe. But he annoys me. In my head I called him a 'mara habla'.

Ah, he burbs all the time. All the time. Very disgusting.

And he every morning would look in the mirror to see his body. I am like, 'typical mara habla still'.

Now he said, 'Today I will sleep well because I am sleeping alone. Yesterday I didnot sleep at all' I said, 'Oh yea. But you snored very loud all night that we could not sleep.' And I smiled. 'ME! Really! IIIIIIII snooore.', 'Oh yes. Big time. SO loud. And so much...... but anyways, you can snore as loud as you can.'

And smile!

Mara habla indeed.

DEUTSCH

There is something about people from this culture or part of the world.

Panic!

They are always scared. Panicing. Worried. They feel strangled in their own thoughts and rules. Maybe because of the too many rules. Could be from the so many expectations. And for sure the very limited space and tolerance for mistakes and errors.

I remember my friend volker, who used to literally panic and get ulcers before exams, told me when I exclaimed about this attitude in a sarcastic way, he said: 'everything you do, all your history stays. It all goes in the C.V. Nothing is passed unpaid for.' And I realized the word 'forgiveness' not tolerance. Forgiveness. And suddenly I realized that this western culture has no forgiveness. It is all governed and managed by a huge interrelated system. Who will forgive you. No one.

On the other hand, in Egypt, we are so forgiving that we end up in a mess.

Balance is always good. But until this happens, i prefer the system. For sure.

P WORD

So everything is about this P. They wakeup in the morning and a bee hive is at it's peak. All revolve around that. They impress me but much nore than that, inspire me. Make me wonder about where we will be in a decade, and how far away we will be from them.

So they wakeup. Brush teeth and wash face. Get dressed simply but in what I call elegantly. And breakfast. And they do that fast too. Healthy and fast. Cereal. Milk. Juice. Toast. Coffee. All that while reading the papers or working on their computer to see what their plans are for the day. Later, they go up take a shower and get ready.

What I like, and have text my partner about but he turned me off as usual, is that they always seem clean. They smell nice. Look clean. Feel clean. And although we claime to be knowing all the etiquette things, they do eat in an elegant way. It is not about knowing the etiquette, but about this balance thing we lack. This 'self-knowing' attitude. Know who I am. What I want to do. Why I am here. I actually chose to be here. I like that I am here. I have options. I am free. And I SEE where am I heading. It is a culture of certainity and hope. Productive. Practical. Pragmatic. Proud.

I like that. And no wonder when egyptian live there, they initially stand out from their uncertain, selfconscious body language but when they are mature enough, they become used to the assurance and the sense of purpose.

AMHREST-ALEXANDRIA

I am home alone. Finally.

Put everything in order. Dimmed the lights. Opened the windows for ventelation. Adjusted my bags and bedroom. Now just sitting on the dining table near the window and browsing. Listening to the washer machine running as it washes my clothes. I like it that way. Quiet. Silent. Alone. Neat. Empty. No excess of anything. Just me and myself. No disturbance.

I have been doing nothing in the past 7 days but walking around. With no plans. I just get the map. Walk. And go from one place to the other. Nothing in particular that I am in a hurry to do or see. It is pretty simple over here. So it is that I walk and have this mini conversations running in my head. That I am not even aware of. In other words, does not even bother me or notice it.

Tomorrow probably will go to the mountains. Will go sit and read. Will see how it is like there up. They say it is beautiful, but they say that about a lot of things that turned out to be nothing in particular. They have a naiive taste to things. Not sure why? Pretty simple culture that almost everything impresses them. Well, we are pretty particular. Yes we lack the nice open spaces they have, but this is not enough to make me go 'amazing'. I will like to have.

Well, wait until I come back to Egypt and I will disown this post. I will be begging for simplicity and any place that I can just sit alone and read. No one disturbing. No intruder curious to annoy me. No noise to blow my eardrums. No pollution to block my lungs.

Oh well. I wish I can stay here forever though.

1760 AMHREST

I lost the key to the apartment. I kept searching a lot. 4 times. I am insisting that it is not lost and I can find it. I can't let go of the idea that I might find it. And I keep searching more and more. Amazing. Can't I let go and accept it is lost. Instead of searching, I can just go down to the guy and give him 5$ and get the spare. Even that, I say I will do but will ask the guy 'what if I found the key?'.

Control Freak!

2541 D

It is whenever I land my foot here, I feel attacked. Not me personally. But my religion. As if there is a nature tendency to attack my religion and make fun of it. Suddenly it became the root of all evil, the source of the violence, the promotor of all the ignorance and backwardness.

I met this suppositely smart guy from the netherland who studied islamic history and studies at his universtiy in holland; went to cairo to take an arabic course; attending lyon for a conference; and will be going to Mcgill to do his masters in islamic studies: Islamic philiosophy. We walk togther along saint cathrience street, and the little kid is typical dutch. He checks every single stop light. Double checked the hostel door was working before we left (what were the chances!), kept asking me if i know where i am going. I said, 'No. I sense. If we get lost we can always ask.' Simple.

Anyways, he started mumbling some stuff about islam and its history. OK kiddo. Keep going. Showed interest in the culture and the people. Bravo. I might not dislike you that much although you are so white. And suddenly, how closed minded and backward we are. Excuse me captain. I certainly wont take that. But I did because my husband always accuse me of being 'picking fights even in a friendly exchange.' So... breather. breathe. Diffuse. Ignore.

Later we sat on a greek restaurant to it. AH, this was not easy. We went up and down the restaurants until he picked one. I suppose because it looked the cheapest... but ha ha ha, it was super expensive.

He ordered his salade. Probably because it was the cheepest dish. And I ordered nothing. Because I did not want to eat. Pretended I was fasting too! So, he said:
'Not eating.'
'No, Not really. I ate a lot.
'Ah... or because the meat is not halal. You muslims do that.'

Wait a second. To the drain my husband's comment.

I smiled. Looked to him closely and asked.
'So why do you always assume that Muslims are extremist? You had couple of comments along those lines that I didnt particularly like. Any reason why?'

He turned a bit red and start giving me some answers and arguments that were basically too general to my taste. Argued him a bit, and then decided its is not worth it. NOdded my head and then remained silent the whole way after.

We came to an intersection and I literally said, 'ok boy. see you later.'
'Oh you are not going to come with me to the hostel.'
'No. You go alone I will walk downtown.'
'So you are not coming with me.'
'No. You should be ok. Ask for direction if you get lost.'

And I took my map and left him.

Since then, I see him. I give him this cold fake smile. That is a smile but just that tells him to stay away from me. I am simply not interested anymore.

I talk to my husband to vent. And he pissed me off! :)

The usual practical argument that is so brain oriented. No emotions involved. Amazing guy. For good or for worse!

But I love him anyways.

Marjuana

I am staying at this universtiy hostel in france. I share a 2 bedroom apartment with couple of people. The normal trend is all the french, american, canadian, south americans...almost everyone drinks!Everyone comes with his huge glass of vodka, wine, beer. For me this is ok. I am not bothered. I am used to that.

But today, while sitting in the living room, there comes an american. And asked me and a nice french couple who were peacefully packing their luggage:
'does anyone of you guys smoke?'
'No.' We all answered.
'Ah ok. I have some cigarettes and I am going back to the US so cant cross the boarders with.'

'Ah really.' I looked naiively. 'Dont they allow u to cross the boarders with cigarettes. This is strange. why do that.?'

'They are marjuana cigarettes.'....turning his palm opened to show me.

Uhm... ok. And my face turned red. I was actually scared!

The french guy looked disturbed and so was I. I looked to the french couple and, after the american left, I said, 'was he really offering us marjuana cigarettes. This is pretty scary. I am glad he is leaving.'

ISRAEL

So I have not thought about this side of me. This side means, this side that is hostile. Not just hostile, because I am actually generally agressive. I mean politically hostile. I discovered that I cant stand Israili. Not sure what happened. I used to see them all the time when I was in NY. See their dress-code. Their synegague. Even at work. My professor. Everyone. But I was cool with that.

Now it is different. I see them now and I just give them this look. Not that I am politically active or even care. Not that I like Palestinians or sympathize with them. On the contrary. And moreso i am even uneducated politically about this part of history. I know they are assholes who occupied land that doesnot belong to them, and some words about caliming history that still doesnot belong to them (this pyramid stuff). But to be honest, I do not know who is right and who is wrong. And if this land is theirs. I am sure not though. Well, as far as I am concerned, they deserve no land. Expelled. And this is their destiny and their future.

So, what brought all that. I am here with inches away from this israili guy. When we first met his first comment when he knew I was from egypt was, 'hey we are neighbours.' I gave him this look and said, 'yea. just around the corner, pal.' And then, 'why dont you come visit', he would say with a stupid smile. I gave him another stupid smile, not knowing should I play nice and open minded, or be one hot anti-semitics, 'Visit what? Israel? Palestine? It never crossed my mind. Plus it is not safe there.' I realize that I am saying nonesense now. But then I actually felt hot and my blood pressure went up.

The guy, his name is Uwan, was now following me around. Now started to speak as 'us' the middle-easterns, and how 'we' were occupied by the british. I said, 'excuse me. Who was occupied. you? You is who?'. And he literally turned red and the group was silent and said, 'Israil!' I have to count on my history and said, 'Oh yea! and when was that?'. He said, '1935'. I think he made that up. And I said, 'but Khabibi, you did not exist by then. You mean Palestine, right?'. And he mumbled 'yes'.

So anyways, this guy is irritating me. He went to the army for 2 years and now touring around. Just came back from Bolivia and Argentina. Visiting his israili fellows...etc.

But here what got me, was when he started talking about 'Hummus' and how here it did not taste like 'home-made'. I gave him this look and said, 'Home made. I think you should makeup your mind. Are you Israili or Arab, dude.'

So en bref, I dont like him. He asks me silly questions; look into my cell phone; and I have to turn it away from him. Pretty annoying.

On the other side, I think he is carving for acceptance. I can sense the vibe when he says that he is from 'Israel.' He for sure is cheap too. He drank their beer, ate their pasta and uses the word 'Fuck it. Shit' a lot. Not sure what is he trying to prove.

Ah I know. He is a fucken shit.

FALLS

You just know it when it starts to fall. Maybe not so steep falling but later it gets steeper and slippery. Towards a sharp fall that can never be stopped. It maybe starts a bit slow. Easy. In the eye look when a conversation starts. This disinterest regarding the subject, later moves to disinterest in the whole topic, many topics, the person herself. It is this look and you can not miss to recognize it. It is the look of boredom. Of 'where is my share'. Of losing interest. Of not having to be 'good boy'. To being taken for granted. And thus you start to be fake. Not fake in the listening part, we have passed this already. Fake in trying to maintain the old things that were used to be part of who you were. But it is not the same.

Not once was the 21stones mentioned. I bet it is just thrown in the drawer or deep down in one of the bags. Not once was a good note that expresses this lousy boring cheesy, used-to comments read or answered. No. Silence. ANd ignoring. ANd what's with the sharing. or I say reporting. It is reporting by all means. Sharing needs effort to share. Reporting is fake sharing just a male thing. or his thing to feel in control. As for sharing, it is different. And it does not need a passive presence. It needs an active one. someone interested in you and what you are doing. In wanting to be with you. In wanting to see you every minute, if not through being physically present, but through visualizing and wishing to be there. But again, all this WAS a stage and it passed.

Passed for you. WIll pass for me. I am sure.

CAVE REVISITED

- It has been what.... 10 months. Oh yea. And a lot happened since then. Nothing is lost I suppose. You get what's destined for you. When the 'Let Go' taken on. It goes.

- Some complications on another front but it is all inside the little E. Reflects badly and balanced on the inside but it is still within the E and this is ok. Another Let Go should be let to go and it will be resolved.

- Maple and Ice-hockey. Now soccer and Bananas. Erine and Square. Dinning and Shipping. INC. Soon it will be unfolded to the best. Another long hidden Let GO to that as well.

- Islam and copts. The old yet so new. A war has been declared and not sure if we are ready for it. I can tell it is nasty. It intimidates me to start and end with. I dont like the feel and certainly dont like the tone and indeed I feel uncomfortable and offended. But, they are becoming so powerful and we are retreating to the back. Lousy! This one I dont see a Let Go.

- Staying here in egypt put me back to the mindset of the limited resources that affects me when the resources are expanded! WEird.

- He. Not the same I feel. his cold ness and boredom is creeping in slowly and fastly. but it cant be ignored. Not sure if it is just a phase or a fact now!

THIS

It is interesting. They exist. Survive around. I see them as aliens. Half people. Not sure what is fake and what is real. In between the real and the fake they survive. It makes me wonder about this middle space that exists inbetween that needs to be filled. It makes me wonder what does it take to be the right one at the right time at the right place at the right...right...right.... Obviously, it is none.

Be yourself. And even this is a over-rated. Be what then? Do not really know. Be something but I am not sure what it is that you need to be.

Say the right thing at the right time...etc. Not even sure if this ever work.

Conclusion, self-confidence.....not even that. Then no no. this is not the conclusion.

Real conclusion: Acceptance of self. Accept who you are. What you stand for or even do not stand for. Accept that you are not perfect. Be proud that you are who you are. If you want to play, play on other's self acceptance. Everyone is striving to be accepted. If you want to be a villian, play on that.

But before we are absorbed in not playing games, do one thing: Accept your unique self. Whoever you are, it is you.

into you

just back from the movies. Interesting time today. Been a while since we connected well and simply. No fights or pretending. No tension or fakeness. It brings us back to this time of glory and giggles. Of living on our little silo island. But it remains the one common factor 'me'. I realised that there are parts of my life that no one knows about. Even my husband. Maybe cause there'd not been a chance to open it or maybe cause i know he night not be that interested. Or maybe i myself am not interested anymore or really want to keep it to myself only. Private. Full of ones own presence and memories.

MM

She is interesting. To some extent? Yes, to some extent. She pleasant. In general. Can be many things. Can mistake her for a lot of things except for her very strong communication skills. Not the 'sales' type, but the confident type. The good communication skills stems from the very obvious self-confidence. The grounding aspect. The continous reminding of 'who am I.' And for sure, the whole package helps. Who I am, not only self defining, but environment defining. 'Me. My husband. My status. My knowledge. My position.....' All. Who I am stands and will become more solidified with the strengthening of these accumulation aspects. Interesting.

Not a single thread of doubt, I suppose, crosses her mind that shakes this belief and conviction. Not that I am criticizing that, but I am interested in that. Wondering that the continuos self-doubt, over criticizing of self, over evaluation of others all eat from the bandwidth given to support the self!

PORT TA3EES

I have been thinking through my way up there and back this morning. Should we continue or not. All the logical thinking is telling me not to continue. Really? Yes. Surprisingly. Only if I decided to go on, then I should know what to expect. What? Endless letting go from myside; eventually live in a silo; endless swallowing of self needs.Can you do that? I am not sure I can.

Everytime I am upset at something, i have to be extra sober to handle myself on how to act because I have to be super aware of the other! And because I am 'someone who doesnt care to explain herseslf to the other', i am always to be blamed for not explaining. Why? because I am not in the right mood and thus offends the other. and the other? the other has to be taken care of while i am saying what is bothering me because the other is supposed to be trying to help and thus if he is to help then we have to make him in a good mood so that i can use his help. becuase if he is not in the right mood to help becuase I when in the bad mood was not watching for his mood, then i will not be asking for help but picking for a fight.....etc. Endless.

All i needed was far less complex that this endless story.

Realize i am pissed because of something you know always kill my mood; dont take it personal and try to help me out of it not by taking a side and watch your ego, but by cheering me up...even if u have to make a fool out of yourself.

But NO! and to be honest with you, u need not do anyhting. i was fine alone and think this is the best so far.

in fact, i have 2 other support who i connect to and know how to handle me well. why do i insist on considering u a support! i wont.

DHL

started up nicely with a dream and a spirit to fly over and reach the destination safely. neither of us would have ever thought that it would turn to a nightmare. a threat to end the whole purpose of the dhl. to have second thoughts about the usefulness of this service that not everyone can afford. tons live without this service. pay less and reach there slower and safer. why on earth did i trust it. not only that, but refused to send anything that way except with the dhl. now after miles of walking and communication to what seemed a smooth transaction, it all showed. well, it was not the first time. but it did happen before. out of denial from my side and the other side, we continue to buy-in.

but what is the use of dhl if it cant make you feel safe? i guess just depletion. of time. of chances. of hope. of hope that the documents will ever arrive. that being alone is a bless!

HERE

and it is not L at all. It is a bunch of tongues mumbling and giggling and vomiting any redundant words that do not really mean anything. Parrots to my taste who just repeat whatever they overheard without understanding. and the gossiping? endless.

it is interesting to be there. maybe it is time to deal with that shit. and it is ok so far. i never quite form a melange, yet stick. a small part of the puzzle but i manage to hange there freely. not totally out, and not fully in. just poke whenever i feel. why? because i dont really feel safe. the gossip level is extremely high and the shallowness is amazingly deep; and the fakeness is so real.... like my writings in this post...totally cheap!!

all talk about all. below zero tolerance for difference. the moment you turn your back blocks of judgements hit your back. i can tell the foe but cant detect a friend. and in there i survive. just in my own world i web. answer when i feel like it, and ignore when i am not in the mood. let them make their own assumptions and conclusion about who i might be and what i might be. good or bad person; kind or menace; classy or a slack; friend or a spy. all i know i give them is that i dont feel belonging with them and that i just am coping until something else in my mind allows me to take a leap. and this is what i have in mind.

it is a little strategy. i play and sometimes attack. but in the coming stage, i will just be. be who i really am because it has been proven for ages that 'me' is the only part that survives the tsunami!

CONTROL

And I thought I am stubborn. Good news is: I am not that stubborn. Bad news is: Someone is. The result is I found myself whenever presenting any idea I have to negotiate my way through. It is always 'refused' and I go on trying to convince. And I end up not convincing partly because I get very uncomfortable and give up. In other cases, I found myself working through a very strict, thin, specific requirements that suffocate me. What do I do? I let go.

KR

Not sure why would I waste sometime write about him. I am not sure. Maybe because he is interesting. Maybe because he annoys me and provoke the sarcasm part of me wanting to pick on him everytime he comes in to do his Bullshit acts. Not sure. But indeed because I just have some time to waste and getting it out maybe help me advance towards my 2009 resolution faster. I dont know :)

Failing to see the good side of him. I JUDGE him as a bluff. Total bluffer. Which is actually ok to be a bluffer. These are the people who make it high. Is that TRUE? GOD no. Not really. Well, my issue with him is that I dont trust him. Is that my issue? Well, ehm... it is that I do not trust him AND dont respect him AND ....hehe it shows. How can I hide? I do not. I even say it and it is reflected in every gesture of me. I do not deny it. I am not convinced of him on most.... most? well, ALL levels. Are you that of a black and white person? No no no.. dont get me wrong.... he (cross my heart and hands and legs) is lousy. He is not to be trusted.

Apart from all that... what triggers you? Well, that he jokes about everything including work; does nto take anything serious; unorganized; manipulative; .... all his skills are, to my judging senses, knows how to bluff people. It is not my opinion alone....am i defending my own judgemenT? No no.. I am not...:) Well, i am. But i actually do not care. I see him that way. Even when I tried to be ok with that, i couldnt. I have an inability to just have a snarl when I see him or when he talks to me.

But you know, it is not really your nature to mock people. Not sure. I dont really but if I concentrate a bit i am very synical and have this attitude that shows what I am thnking of you. And how I do it with him? Well, to be honest, I dont have the skill of speaking fluently; make witty comments.. not natural. If I intentionally set my antenna to it, I can do it... but for sure it becomes very cynical and it becomes no more a joke. So I used to shut up when he enters to mickey mouse the people around. I turn my face away.... OUPS...even that showed! WEll what can I do.

Now I dont. because after all, I knew my strength and starting to be happy about it. And I am proud of being straight forward. And I knew a real secret, my brother told me, 'it is not you only who is self-conscious and need to be accepted. It is EVERY SINGLE person.' So phew...this was a miracle! And I got that and adopted. And it did help. Thanks Brother.

It is not that I go provoke. But whenever he tries to outsmart me, I smile and be direct in my comments. Not accusing him of anything, instead, assuring him of his idea about me. Yes ya habibi, I am organized. Yes ya 3oyouni, I am smarter than you. Yes ya roh oumak, I think you are lousy. Yes ya gameel, you dont want to joke with me. Yes ya batouty, I am serious and direct.

Got milk!

BEEN SO LONG

It has been so long. Absolutely so long. Since? Since you wrote of course. Well not exactly did I mean that. No. It has been so long since I connected with it. This is what I meant. Even at the very time of 'angryness' or disappointements I just accept to believe someone outside. To accept as a sign of something. Whatever this something I know it is fake. But as if that everytime this happens, I smile. In realization that unless you gain it inside, everyome will bypass and invade. Invade to erode not to erect. And this is a reality of realization. Or maybe the realization of reality. No matter what they say, it is this scenario that will happen. The more space you allow, the more forward they will proceed.

O-R-E-M

What's the pleasure in the between status that captivates them? They seem to not be able to live a full one life. Always one life ahead. I think it is the story of their lives. Not totally in the state. Not sure what they are really trying to do? Squeeze in more time or take a time out? I really have no clue. I watch them screwing one thing after the other; turning best moments to funerals. When they think wind is in their back, one of them just cuts the sail off. Under any name. Varying from divine presence, to Vatican memorial, to the lost library, to the spanish bull games. You really can not follow the logic there.

And everytime you just fall in the same trap again. Accept. Accept to any negating thoughts. Accept to be a bridge to be passed over to the next. When they install a toll station on the bridge..... suddenly it found itself isolated. Oh well. It is a bridge after all. It will always remain there. Whoever want to cross, has to pay.

Disappointed? Not really. Not at all. I really expected.

DAY

And it was not good as we planned. As I wished it to be. It was a day. Only once throughout the past 4 years that it passed well. Ticked with passionate watch to remind me of the feeling, and us with the passing time; to be followed after that by a ticking separation and distance by the year. This time I wished it was different. I was hoping it to be different. Planned for a nice get-away by the sea and mountains; to sink in and enjoy and to forget everything.. We did but only to wake up on a deeper distance; an inability to connect; to find the energy to let go and bring the two wandering souls together. We failed to do that. And it hurts. But I expected it.

We hike and hike, the steep mountain but fail to enjoy the little valley.

And it hurts.

Z & H

Will they combine together? Bring the 2 homes together.

I wait for the time when we can start. We. I had already started :)

TODAY

And I kept changing the top and Jackets. From brown safari jacket with big belt. To B&W checked long Jacket. Short brown jacket. I kept changing and changing. I do not feel comfortable. I want to dress elegant but at the same time I can not tolerate any layers. I felt suffocating. Maybe because it was so humid outside. Maybe because the house seemed so confusing. Scattered things here and there. Maybe. I do not really know.

I took all off. Wore a stripped blouse. No ear rings. No perfume. No makeup. No bag. Money and credit card in my pocket. I just put on the blouse, pants, comfortable shoes and rushed outside.

Sometimes I rebel aganist dress code. I hate this concept. To tell me what to wear. TO force me to wear certain style. Why not leave it up to me to dress how I like and feel comfortable. If meeting client, I sure know what to wear but if working in the office that day, why not let me dress the way I feel.

Too many restrictions annoy me. So I discover. 'I am not cut to work in an organization', I exclaimed to him. I sure prefer the least control ever possible. To work alone, that's for sure. To think alone, that's a fact. To not allow any bossing, that's my default.

This job suits me. But I still believe they are doing it in a trivial way. I can easily see ways to improve; flaws in the thinking and approach. To my previous manager's surprise and amusement, I AM a big picture person. I relate things to eachother. I can easily find relation between what can for sure appear as scattered and unrelated. I can do that easy. Find relations. Impacts. Connections. I connect things AND link them together. Close the loop.

In work only! In life.... I scatter things around so that I remain free.

DREAM

Yesterday WAS a dream. No. No. No. It was not a dream. It is our reality. US.