A Message from within

it has been a horrible time since we did that. endless cycles of pain and tears that are sweeping through my heart. our hearts. every time we thought we are forgetting the other, it turns out that no one disconnects or forgets. as you said, 'i am so vivid inside you and you are wishing for nothing but to feel my warmth in your heart.' i do know what you mean with that ya habibi. i feel it to. I missed you so much yesterday. every time I do, I pray, maybe the long prayers will help me calm my emotions.

it has been a horrible time since we did that. endless cycles of pain and tears that are sweeping through my heart. our hearts. everytime we thought we are forgetting the other, it turns out that no one disconnects or forgets. as you said, 'i am so vivid inside you and you are wishing for nothing but to feel my warmth in your heart.' i do know what you mean with that ya habibi. i feel it to. i missed you so much yesterday. everytime i do, i pray, maybe the long prayers will help me calm my emotions.

Never thought I would go there. Ever. When my friend at DC was saying he would be working there after his PhD, I said to myself, Oh yea right! They will never take us. US? Us meaning these egyptians? Or us meaning these egyptians still? Or us meaning what?? I really dont know why I had a snarl and a sour taste in my throat! Well, when my other friend from Ecaudor told me she wanted to work there. I had the same feeling. This time I said maybe as a nun, and had an inward smile. Gave her the 'good good gesture' while wondering what the hell is this world bank that everyone is into these days. I am not into this kind of thoughts! Maria, was her name, so catholic to an annoying extent that now when I think about it, she tried to convert me at one point. Me being this naiive, open-minded, peace lover, religion-accepting girl, I encouraged people to come open up to me. Well, let me rephrase in case 'Chris' is reading. I pretend so that I get to know what you are thinking and ...

Felix touron. 23 rue du dessous des berges. paris 13. edition 50. 1966. Tables des matieres: Heureuse et belle Elegance La vie du couple Reflets du couple L'enfant La Maison Economie Menagere Autour de la Table Savoir-virvre Moderne La femme et le monde du travail Loisirs et vacance Guide Juridique et Pratique Presence de la Femme So this is what she has been reading alone almost 30 years ago. Alone. I found this book in her room. I have never seen it before. I opened it and in it, I found her world. Bits and pieces of little pictures she found beautiful; dried flowers, leaves and stems in the most amazing shapes and colours. Golden. Bronze. Peache and silver. Amazing. I wonder how is it like when she was siting in this room or garden alone. Suffering from bronchites, depression, and still search for books that talk about life. Elegance and beauty. How she will bend on the ground and pick a leaf or a stem. Place it inside the book. What was she thinking? 30 years ago! When the mass...

Le Figaro

this is the year. the final year to be. either in or out. not in or out of anything trivial. in or out of life. LIFE. i am not exaggerating when i say that. this is a decisive year. or 6 months or whatever period this suicide mission is going to take you. want to slowly kill yourself. go ahead. many things to juggle around. well, drop some and choose your priority. work. money. self. life. or what? cant be all of them. you have tons of the second. sufficient of the first. null of the third and fourth. what a fucken life is that? pardon my language? no fucken life you got yourself. mother fucker life you search for yourself. fucked up bitch ass hole life you are putting yourself back into. wake the fuck up. well, you are on a suicide mission, no fuck will bring you back to life because there is no life to you. only paradise. well, screw paradise. there is no paradise anywhere. wake up! i know surprisingly am putting my hope in the dead person. the dull, robot, depleted, selfish, lost pe...

What is it that matters? Lots of choices. Decisions. Desires. Hopes and achievements. Perplexing hopes and dreams. Consistent aspiration. Vision. Many things. Tons and loads of things. But what does really matter? I am not really sure. I am not sure anymore. Maybe I was sure but now not sure. From the many confusions I see in me and around me. Endless chase. Forever will it be endless. Not hoping that it will be better. Not optimistic. Well, does it really matter still? I guess no. Secured aganist many things with this endless chase behind money and investments. Investement after another. One huge one after the other. More and more. Eyeing for more? I do not know. What money will do if your own inner home is empty and deserted. Inside loneliness. Annoyance. Fragile peace with the existing. More fragile peace with the alternative. What is the use? Invest for what and who and why. All the "W" in the world. For the self? The self will never say enough especially with the emptine...

So she finally got out of her comfort zone , or so she called it. Maybe decided to own something instead of just renting. And the inbetweens are great. The journey from renting to finally buying is great. Next step she will be leasing that. This is life I suppose. Well, I am, too, getting out of the comfort zone. I learnt a lot from the zone, but contrary to you, it will just take me to a different place and different realisation. Not that life is vast and expansive; not that being are to be trusted; not that buying is the best thing, but to something else. Not the black down side of that, but to a outer space outside all that. Life is for leasing; Emotions are for leasing; relations are for leasing. We can never buy or rent. Only Lease else you will be leased!

This series really sucks. I can not even get the humour in it or understand what on earth is this sleezy, disgusting character. I know and see it exists everywhere around me, but seeing it like that makes my heart sour. Really can not like it.

I am just craving to go to France. Sit in a cafe. Listen to french people mumbling around me. Reading newspaper. Smoking cigar or cigarette. Smell of a great espresso. Fresh air. People walking steady and fast. Clean. Determined. Knowing or thinking they know where they are going. Elegant. Civilised. Grumpy. Cheerful. Clean blonde kids. Cute brunette kids with long curley hair. Small grociery shop selling fresh fruits. Flourists selling big blossomed yellow flowers. Cloudy sky. Cracks of some sun rays. Bicylces. Active yet not corwded streets. Smell of fresh baguette and freshly baked cake and gateaux. Great cheese. I want to open my eyes in a small tiny room with big windows overlooking a small building entrance. Wooden floor. Take a fresh shower. Dress simply. Go down the small clean wooden stairs. Go out to my tiny street. Greet the annoying lady at the bakery shop. Get one fresh baguette. Go get a tiny piece of chevre. One red tomatoe. And ride my bike to a small cafe. Order coff...

For some unknown raison, i decided to go shopping at carrefour, Maadi. I must have been very bored or maybe too optimistic to consciously do that. I took my car and went there. Ah, I remembered, I wanted to buy a bathroom curtain!! But again, why did i choose to go there? No clue. It was really a shameful experience. It was ramadan. Weekend. And it was crowded. The least you can say about it is that it was crowded. But this is not a big deal. Crowded places means it is good, and this means that this country is economically doing good...etc. However, there is something in our crowdeness that is really interesting. It reveals the desperation and capitalize on the worst of us. You know, get the worst out of you. Of course assume that we have any good side! Initally, people stare at your shopping cart all the time. Check out what are you got yourself. I happen to buy San Pelligrino, a sparkling water, that I am sure they mistake it as beer or alchol. So they look to it, stare and stare the...

So they finally re-routing Zamalek! They have a stupid, far from brilliant plan for Zamalek to change all the street directions for some weird reason. Well, cause Jamal is living here now in this area. A weird enough reason I suppose. Not sure what does re-routing this side of zamalek with a famous person living here? No clue. As my friend told me, they want to confuse people's brain so that they dont know have time to do any harm to the guy. (Well she always says it in a very funny way that cracks me up everytime I ask the same question). I was going from crave wanting to go to Diwan the other day in my friend's car, when I realized this reshaping. Seriously, i guess it has been for a while now but I never noticed it because I dont drive in zamalek side streets. So I tried to navigate but alas we ended up going round and round and it drove all around zamalek to just reach 26 of July! I was pissed actually. Cursed and cursed. And then I realized that they simply, just simply, c...

So into this huge huge extended family gathering. X's cousin got married to this guy and they lived in zamalek. Almost 2 blocks away. So! Her mother got them a real big gathering and invited everyone to come. And we did. I dont particularly enjoy family gatherings. I have to be this little cutie pie. Polite and delicate. They do think so because my presence is always light. I hardly say what I mean. I notice. Exchange looks with X and smile. Giggle. Or at time crack. I could never tell them what the hell is going in my mind. Cant trust they will spread it around and become the bad duck. So luckily I got myself a nice partner who understands me and most important thinks the same. Well, he actually observes me to make sure I am ok and not over bored. Its interesting this huge family gathering, especially those I attend to. He would tell me a year ago, and warn me againt these gatherings. I surprised him until now that I handle that gathering so damn well. That I am so loved and admir...

Well well well.... Hate me or love me. Can't you do something in between? Well, they can't. Probably because I am too. Either like or dislike you. If you fall in the grey area between lik and dislike, then you will think that I am weird. I will meet you, smile, nod but hardly will stop to talk. You will feel that I am just not interested. Although I donot intentionally do that. I am just not interested. Not even realizing it until someone tells me. In fact, I dont 'dislike' per se. I just dont see you. I have no reaction. Or maybe an inner one that tells you what I think of you silently. Although again I dont really think of it at the moment. Someothers I totally know who they are inside and they are just putting on a show to sell and present themselves, and I know exactly why the hell they are doing that. At times, I enjoy just watching them with this smile! Unintentional also. Just look and space out. I swear unintentional. No biggy if I give them this little praise m...

I hardly chat. When I do, I find this smile crawling into my face. Chat is interesting when you take it to 'check it out' and detect what's happening. So, 'How's ramadan doing with you this year. ?' Wrote a friend. I smiled. I so damn sure what he meant. But I said, ' SHoot!! Did it start already! I thought it was next week.' 'No no. Next week still' (yea punk) 'So, what did you mean?' 'I meant are you getting ready for it' 'How so' He knew I might not get it probably or that it totally not in my agenda, so he tried to appear less islamic to a moment. 'did you buy yamish, meat...' 'Oh no no. I dont do that. X and me eat very light food anyways. We dont cook except healthy food.' 'Good diet.' 'Oh yea' But he wont let me go like this. recap. 'So any intentions for ramadan.?' 'Yea. Probably fast' 'Only?' 'Is there anything else I should intend. Fast, pray maybe and w...

So have been out of the public life for sometime. What do I mean with that? Not interested. Not interested in what's really happening around. Less and less social. Interact very little. Avoid to have talks or go into any debates or arguments. I just focused so much on being with myself and with a couple of friends that I, not particularly enjoy, but I can float with. Just a couple. Why would I seek more! Anyways. Even in that selective ones, in those selective, cool, upper scale places and attitude, i felt so damn bored. As if all words and all topics are screwed discussion. Or not particularly discussion, but mentioning and bringing it up. After a year, we talk about the same topics. More or less. I stopped even talking, I listen and mummble couple of sentences just to keep converstation going. I think I am bored inside. Nothing about anyone or anything. Just me, myself and Haal are all bored. Conclusion, we are mostly bored. Most likely confused. Certainly tired. For sure afraid ...

... the same mistake over and over again. I do. I never learn. I throw myself into the same situation. I do. Have to feel totally uncomfortable and totally out of place. I do. All for what? I have no idea. I keep promising myself I will never do that again. They are just not my style. Totally off my head. Not their attitude, way of life, words, social class, thinking. Nothing. As if I come from somewhere else. Different galaxy. He is weird. Even more weird than before. Totally off. 'I like your eyeglasses', she will tell him. He will answer, 'well, they are RL my dear'. I crack. I just laugh. Not sure why but it is so akward of an answer. He is annoying. All the time talks about money, money, money, plans to change this or get that. Run run run all the time. I keep commenting in a sarcastic tone if he ever managed to sit and enjoy what he has been running around doing. Oh Oh, and a roman freaken balcony to drink tea in. I asked, ' so any tea drunk there?' I need...

3.5 women. Alone. 3 TVs opened. 2 laptops. 2 phone. All these devices functioning concurrently and full speed Fully concurrent. Fully fully concurrent. No communication. Zero. For how many hours? 4 hours so far and the count still going. I am sitting in the same room. Listening to S.H.I.T. on volume 14. Dolby sound. When the most vulgar song comes, it happens she likes it. Volume increases to 20. Inagurating the song with a couple of boob shaking. And back again to volume 16. Not 14. Conclusion. I lose twice. Once when the most vulgar shitiest song come. Second when the volume does not return to the very loud 14, but slowly mounts 2 levels at a time. How i feel? I feel like an idiot? I am so stoned that I cant even complain or show the slightest gesture of annoyance. I am just shocked. Really. I am so surrendering. Feel my head is dancing and shaking as if placed in the middle of her 36C boobs! Imagine a 36C boob hitting you 2 sided. Here comes the right 36C... OUPS... and here comes t...

Lime disease. Ruby. Pyramids. Charlotte. Nokia. Shubra. Alex. Ayooooo. Deer meat. Pasta with vodka sauce. Expensive silverwear. Cheap napkins. Bad table manners. Huge house. Electronic gate. Palace like. Big house. Small space. Furniture. Stairs. Up. Down. Claude Monet. Monaliza. Egypt. Family. All tilted. All all picture tilted. Crystal vase. Golden plates. Crystal and golden chandelier. Mosaic glass cheap lamp. Jaquzzi. Golden tapes. Golden boarders. Huge golden candles. Emperor constantine. Electronic bathroom. Did not know how to flush. Closed the seat. Prayed no one would notice.3 days passed. My pee still there. Now I knew how to flush. Fancy clothes. Fancy watch. Fancy car. Staying all day in her PJ Expensive lotions. Channel Mademosielle. 5 bathrooms. No shower all day. Pampered girl. George the monkey all day. Spitting on me. In her underwear all day. Fake life.