A Message from within

Was super bored. Sad. Not tolerating anyone or anything. Did not want to lose this time of the year. Nice weather and nice ambiance. I decided to go watch 'Devil wears Prada.' Highly recommended. They said that I in particular will like it. Well, I like it. Meryl is absolutely amazing. She gives a different intense deep vibe to everything she goes into. Well, she was great. I love this particular character. The strong, agressive, emotionless, heartless, dry woman, yet inside, a volcano of emotions. Love that she pushes on people so hard. Give them opportunities and wish they take it. Wish they refuse it. Just wish to get the best out of everyone. To make everyone tense. Intense. Confused. Yet at the end, there is a deep trust they will choose what they really want even if its opposite to what she wants. I just enjoy that. So went to the movie. Walked around. Ate. Someone stocked me. It was fun. I escaped from him. He was an asshole. I entered elevator. He entered after me. Ther...

I met friday by pure coincidence this friday. I was going to Citystars to meet a friend of mine. I usually go to the mall through the Intercontiental. Wearing a huge sunglasses, I passed by him. He was checking out. We looked to eachother and passed. I turned back and exclaimed, 'OMG, Friday!' And burst laughing. What on earth brought you here. Doing what? We decided to go for cafe. It was fun. Friday has been one of these guys with whom I had a strong connection. We clicked from the start. He brought me flowers on my birthday and I never took them. I was shy back then. He used to come to our house study with my brother. We ended up talking in the balcony. I really liked him a lot and so did he. We would disappear and connect. Connect like never before and then disappear. He went to the states and back. WHen he was back, I went. Then he went and I was there. We met. I travelled to Texas to see my brother who was staying with him. I stayed for a week with them. Was great. The co...

The book was there. First thing I get to notice, sure among other things. But was it a sign. Osman's dream? Well, who is Osman? An arrogant, selfish and image orietned empire that claimed majesty and purity, stole lienage and heritage and ended up leaving us in ruins. What started as only a dream runied people's lives. Dreams are dangerous. Dangerous to those who just follow other's dreams and get so indulged in it that they after a while adopt them as theirs and die for it. Or even live in it. Tricky! Some people just can convince you and you go along. Not only convince you of their dreams, but mock yours and make you hate it and be ashamed of it. This 'dreamwashing' act. It is funny! Time to wake up from Osman's dream.

Since the very first day of his arrival here, he was imprisoned. Tried to break from all restriction. Constantly he would try. Escape but at the end his short breath would push him back. One attempt after the other, he just simply ended up broken. He actually died. Can not claim I am happy or sad because I just block it. Do not want to remember anything that would make me emotional. It is better this way. We will all die and that's a fact. Young or old, we will die. So just accept it and let it pass. Wonder if there is a young spirit and an old spirit? Wonder what happened out there to him? Where is he now? He left his mask, but his reality is out.

Not a big fan of it. Not a big fan on technology in general. Prefer my old, broken half working cellular. What's wrong with that. I do not like BB. I think it is an ego phone. Plus it is annoying. Beeping and weeping and wining all the time. Message. Phone. MSN. Email. And what not. Pure distrubance of the soul. It gets me annoyed. Can a phone and how you deal with it tells you something about its owner. Well, sure. Like anyother thing it does say. Sure say something. Taaan... BOOOO... Taraaa... All the time. Annoying to the max. Addictive to checking and be updated. Arising to the hidden urge to be controlling. To be in full control. Nothing by-passes you anytime or anywhere. No matter where you are, you will respond and have your input and say. Complete virtual presence. Like the theatre spectator. Siting in the dark. Watching everything. Actors and play. COmmenting. Laughing and crying. Applauding for a scene well acted. Does the players see you. No. They know you are there to g...

You gallop. Gallop as far and as wild as you can. Gallop with your dreams and supplications. Gallop for signs and dreams to come true. Gallop to the sky, racing your prayers to be helped by the sole creator of this universe. Gallop and then you find yourself in this space. Suddenly all the galloping and the scenes racing with it finally cascades. One after the other. All answered. Signs granted. Figuers found. Prayers answered. Dreams visualized and realised. Feelings surfaced. Hands and hearts uniting. You stop your horses. Convince your dream to now hop on to your horse and join you in a ride. You unfold your cascaded dreams and hopes and, not totally surprised, you find that it matched. So now what? You gallop together. Fast and fast. To places and valleys. Curves and mountains. Forests and caves. Forever hidden. Forever protected. Forever closed. You open one after the other. After all is said and done, it is always time to go back to downtown. Where no horses are needed. Internal ...

Over crab and seabass meal, we talked. Brushing through amalgam of topics. Disconnected yet smoothly connected. Deeply connected. I already cut down a promise to myself, that nothing is disconnected. I should not look at things separately. Every single thing is related. Well, this promise drove and still drives me crazy. I can not just separate and be cool about things. Deal with things on its own. Have to interconnect and in most cases over-read and with that comes the over-reacting. Over passionate. An assortment of 'over' on different level. Anyways, I am 'over' and this is who I am. Can not just be otherwise. Can not or do not want? Well, its my nature to be hot like that. What I can only tamper is my temper and over reaction. I can just be as hot as I am but be cool too. How? I have no idea. Maybe need to redefine 'indifferent'to myself. Give it a new definition to make it likable. Anyways, we choose the best sounded dished. Crab and chowder (shubra) soup, ...

'Et si tu crois que c`est fini Jamais C`est juste une pause, un répit Après les dangers Et si tu crois que je t`oublie Écoute Ouvre ton corps aux vents de la nuit Ferme les yeux' Garou never cease to impress me with his songs. Love that voice. 'Sous le vent'. Indeed, 'sous le vent', je survis. Réellement, je meurs. 'Sous le vent', there rests a bundle of strangled, untamed, forever hidden, marinated, very raw and wild water. When the ebb season comes in, it attempts- so openly, hopefully and optimistically- carve its way in its contained space. Peak here and there. Open new lands. Extend and expand itself into new soil. Sneak into new sand. Penetrate and sink palyfulnessly into an island. Reveal its shiny, sparkling nature. Full of hope and longing to fill the island of its choice and find this little seed that is awaiting its danggling, dancing drops. So close to reaching that, the tide comes in. Pulling the water back, before reaching its goal. Leaving...

So everytime I want to disconnect from the Mundane, I go There. 'There' there is nothing. No cars. No people. Nothing. Just this pond. The deserted villas of relatives who either died, never go 'There', or putting their villas for sale. Abu 'Ali the fish place where I drive there to get crabs and shrimp to-go and eat it by the water at my favourite spot. I have 2 favourite spot, now 3. Initially it was over the jetski house where I would just sit, overlooking the pond and hiding. Would sleep too on the cement. Drink tea with milk and space out. Watch the segull and the fisher-men. Second best was at the jetty that is extending almost 100 meters into the water. Would sit on the steps. Throwing my legs into the water. Enjoying the wave splashing in my face. Usually sit there early early morning. Take-off my clothes and jump for a morning swim before the fishermen wake-up. I would go there late at night too. Same setting so close to the water. So close to the splashing...

- Parking at cilantro, this parking guy keeps irritating me. He is super genuis, I suppose. Can tell from his eyes. He talked to me in English asking me, 'why hadretek forgetting me? This is my job.' To which I answered, 'because I dont like you. You irritate me.' He answered, 'want someone else'. This guy has been my 'annoying guy' since more than a year. I fought with him because when he insisted on making me pay for parking when I thought he was just super ridiculous. Since then, I would never give him a penny, yet he insists on helping me with my parking. He knew I would not pay him. Can tell I hate him. But he just does it for the fun of 'connecting'. My friend asked me over and over to avoid eye-contact with him. Ignore him. But I just can't do that. Have to mumble and exchange sharp eye-contact with. As if I enjoy him irritating me. - Everytime I look to my right or left and by 'chance' make a quick-eye contact with a driver in...

You know? I miss you. With you, I built my own images of this old black and white world. Of a fair-lady. A love story. Smelled the 'essence Uff' of the world of boundaries and false aristocracy. Seen or rather imagined the workshop for creation. Creation of beauty, up lifting scenes and plays. Elegance. Really elegant you were. Dedicated. Loyal. Attached. Baby till the last moment. Loving to life and to beauty. To taste. Elegant taste. Sleeping on the King's bed. Angels at its corner. Golden brass metal boundaries. Not isolating you, yet preserving your golden age. Golden heart and art. Your energy filled me up when I see you jumping, singing, loving, adapting, projecting, crying in sorrow and in happiness. Declaring your love on stage. On the very place you adored. United your Lover with your beloved. Neither one got jealous. They accept. They loved one another because they loved you. You bounded them and they bounded you. So sad this ever changing world. But it can not be...

And it starts to go away. Does it really? Well, I did not utter it but delivered it. Yea, I can actually deny and refuse. Do I still have the power to do that? Surprisingly, I can. I said it and was comfortable with. My mind did not object, neither did my heart. Did they align? I guess so. After a number of wounds they align. Mind and heart are collaborating. No more enemies. No more positive and negative. Joined the same time. I know why they aligned? I made-up between them actually. Shared them to eachother. Expalined the other's reason and left. Did not impose one on the other. Sounds like it worked. Initially at least. Glad the 2 supported the joined decision to respect me. My wish. Smooth 'compromise'. Thank you. It is really no surprise. The running scenario in my head happened. Deja Vu. I rehersed it and it happened. It did. Opening another possibility to what else are running in my mind. To more severe real scenarios. This time I rehersed. Probably will reherse to m...

It has been so long. Alone. On my own. Calming down and relaxing. Not particularly nostalgic to old days couple of years back. Yet nostalgic to meeting. And I met. Instantly. Deeply and this time with absolutely no intensity. Just as the two seas meet yet no one overpowers the other. No invading. Just two meeting together silently. The longing was so high. Been what, four years now of separation, with a year of complete break in the connection. Dry, disconnected, tensed, shame, fear, boredom, avoidance, no willingness, escape, sarcasm, disappointement, sadness, emptiness, falseness, confusion, sinking. And the long list keeps getting longer. I am happy I decided to do it. To take the endeavour. To insist. Absorb all the initial rejection that started from the circumstances and the people around. Refusal and the normal attempt to pull me to the many discouraging details. Guilt. Sympathy. Well, I had enough. I insisted to meet and I did. I left behind all the begging looks and hopes. Jus...

I want to write my way home. Inside. Sheltered. Protected. Cuddled. Hugged. Secure and safe. I do not want anything but settle in. Deepen my roots and my belonging. To the soil. To the land. Inside the earth hugs. Inbetween the sand and pepples. Occupy every small tiny space. Expand my roots. Deep and deeper. Wide and wider. Feel the sand's embrace. Warmth. Feel I am fully surrounded. Sinking in. Safe to let me roots relax. Safe to let my roots nourish from the soil. Nourish but not grab. Nourish because I am trusting that the soil will last. I am not running aganist time. Not running. Just stable and free.

"When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you're expected to move again only you don't remember what moves you because no-one has asked in so long. Not even yourself. You never in your life think that love like this can happen to you." A life of details. Stop. Steady. Move again? I would previously say No to that. A big no no. I was young and foolish. I am old and foolish. I now can see the possibility of this happening. See that this is happening. Women by nature sacrify. Idiot or idealistic, you choose, if anyone denies that. Women do sacrify for everyone. Not an absolute statment. But they do. Expected to. More important, they want to sacrify. They do it naturally, not knowing that they actually are. They kn...

I do see things differently. I hear things differently. I feel things differently. I am unable to express it. Sharing it does not seem easy thing to do with except when I am totally relaxed and the surrounding permits. It does not happen much. Have to be a certain flow of events and talks. Can not just say to someone, 'hey, i want to talk about x.' Does not come to me naturally. Does not come to me at all. I do not know how to do it actually. It has to come naturally in theh conversation. Partner ready to hear. Partner willing to understand the not so 'logical' conversation, or whatever it might be. I talk. Not wanting an answer but just the security to have me continue and go on talking about what I want and feel. This what matters to me. I guess I am not looking for someone to challenge my thoughts, that are basically feeling related. Just wants someone to listen. Actively listens. It is not just anything of importance but it does say something about who I am. From th...

He usually connects all the time even at those times when he can't for certain reasons. He just connects. When I needed his connection the most, and when he knew that, he does not. For whatever reason, he did not. It is funny. He always assures me that whenever I am upset or in a lonely mood, the best place is to be with him. Seems that he does not really abide by that. For whatever reason. Maybe unintentionally. Just the fact remains. He did not connect when I need him the most. I took today off from work. Did not sleep that well the other night. I worked for a while then collapsed until almost 4:30. Wokeup. Did some followup calls. I did not feel like doing anything. Did not want to stay home either. There was no food at home, and I had not eaten anything since basically yesterday, so I decided to go grab something. I went to eat sushi. Alone. I went. For a moment I thought it was closed. Not a single one at the place. Very low music. Not the norm of that place. I entered. Actual...

It is tough place to be in. Very challenging. Attitude. Climate. People. Cars. Building. Culture. Energy. Space. Norms. Conscious feeling. Unconscious feeling. Climate. Weather makes you lose your temper pretty fast. Humid. Hot. Polluted. I can not take the humidity. Heat is fine with me. But I am pretty annoyed by the humid feel. On my face. Hand. Forehead. Kills me. I wake-up and I can feel the heat once out of my room. Back to the cool weather once in to my room. Back and forth. I think my system gets confused. What to do? I personally get confused starting to what I should put on. I am hot but cool now. Office is super cold but outside is super hot. What to wear? I do not know. As if I live in Egypt and my office is in Swiss. Sometimes, AC decides to stop and now you end up wearing long sleeves and AC not working, so you are basically soaking. People. Most things are not professional in dealing with them at work. If you take a professional path, you will hear your name whispered at...

Have been so long since I met or connected to this friend of mine. I was going through my hotmail account when I found an email from him on the 25th of Feb 2004. He sent it to me, almost crying and in deep sadness. 10 hours from the birth of his first and only baby. He was in deep sadness and feeling so sad. 'Never felt that sad before. I am not ready for this baby when I know that I do not want to continue with her mother.' A. is my friend. R. his wife I saw couple of times. Warned him from marrying her because of many reasons. Age. Class. Education. Attitude. Lots of things. He was lost at that time. Wanted to feel loved. And she did love him. Or was impressed by him. He recognzied that and instead of trying to reveal his true self to her, he hid more and more and presented more of the stuff that dazzled her eyes. She basically married him for his money. Well, now that she is no more impressed by his money, she dropped him, and wasted his money. He even could not split from h...

Never felt that lonely in so long. Really lonely. I am home alone. Room alone. Empty house. Everyone is gone somewhere. Do not know where. There is a deep sadness that is filling the house. Not sure from what. But I feel it. Feel that everyone is sad. If not sad, then heavy. Lots of wishes and dreams that are not fuilfilled or waiting for. Everyone is taking a road to partially do it. Or just ignoring it. Living day-by-day. Weekends come and you are the only one hating it. You will not be doing anything special. Becomes a reminder of your loneliness. Of your boredom. Boring life to some extent. A life with no particular purpose that you look forward to. You go wonder. From one place to another. Few friends to connect to. Everyone sinking in his own life. Happy or sad. Floating or agnoized. A life of some sort. She is in Alex hunting for her pleasure that she can not find. Not sure if she is happy. But she has lots of things to be happy with, yet, insisting to deny them all and search f...