A Message from within

I want to write my way home. Inside. Sheltered. Protected. Cuddled. Hugged. Secure and safe. I do not want anything but settle in. Deepen my roots and my belonging. To the soil. To the land. Inside the earth hugs. Inbetween the sand and pepples. Occupy every small tiny space. Expand my roots. Deep and deeper. Wide and wider. Feel the sand's embrace. Warmth. Feel I am fully surrounded. Sinking in. Safe to let me roots relax. Safe to let my roots nourish from the soil. Nourish but not grab. Nourish because I am trusting that the soil will last. I am not running aganist time. Not running. Just stable and free.

"When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you're expected to move again only you don't remember what moves you because no-one has asked in so long. Not even yourself. You never in your life think that love like this can happen to you." A life of details. Stop. Steady. Move again? I would previously say No to that. A big no no. I was young and foolish. I am old and foolish. I now can see the possibility of this happening. See that this is happening. Women by nature sacrify. Idiot or idealistic, you choose, if anyone denies that. Women do sacrify for everyone. Not an absolute statment. But they do. Expected to. More important, they want to sacrify. They do it naturally, not knowing that they actually are. They kn...

I do see things differently. I hear things differently. I feel things differently. I am unable to express it. Sharing it does not seem easy thing to do with except when I am totally relaxed and the surrounding permits. It does not happen much. Have to be a certain flow of events and talks. Can not just say to someone, 'hey, i want to talk about x.' Does not come to me naturally. Does not come to me at all. I do not know how to do it actually. It has to come naturally in theh conversation. Partner ready to hear. Partner willing to understand the not so 'logical' conversation, or whatever it might be. I talk. Not wanting an answer but just the security to have me continue and go on talking about what I want and feel. This what matters to me. I guess I am not looking for someone to challenge my thoughts, that are basically feeling related. Just wants someone to listen. Actively listens. It is not just anything of importance but it does say something about who I am. From th...

He usually connects all the time even at those times when he can't for certain reasons. He just connects. When I needed his connection the most, and when he knew that, he does not. For whatever reason, he did not. It is funny. He always assures me that whenever I am upset or in a lonely mood, the best place is to be with him. Seems that he does not really abide by that. For whatever reason. Maybe unintentionally. Just the fact remains. He did not connect when I need him the most. I took today off from work. Did not sleep that well the other night. I worked for a while then collapsed until almost 4:30. Wokeup. Did some followup calls. I did not feel like doing anything. Did not want to stay home either. There was no food at home, and I had not eaten anything since basically yesterday, so I decided to go grab something. I went to eat sushi. Alone. I went. For a moment I thought it was closed. Not a single one at the place. Very low music. Not the norm of that place. I entered. Actual...

It is tough place to be in. Very challenging. Attitude. Climate. People. Cars. Building. Culture. Energy. Space. Norms. Conscious feeling. Unconscious feeling. Climate. Weather makes you lose your temper pretty fast. Humid. Hot. Polluted. I can not take the humidity. Heat is fine with me. But I am pretty annoyed by the humid feel. On my face. Hand. Forehead. Kills me. I wake-up and I can feel the heat once out of my room. Back to the cool weather once in to my room. Back and forth. I think my system gets confused. What to do? I personally get confused starting to what I should put on. I am hot but cool now. Office is super cold but outside is super hot. What to wear? I do not know. As if I live in Egypt and my office is in Swiss. Sometimes, AC decides to stop and now you end up wearing long sleeves and AC not working, so you are basically soaking. People. Most things are not professional in dealing with them at work. If you take a professional path, you will hear your name whispered at...

Have been so long since I met or connected to this friend of mine. I was going through my hotmail account when I found an email from him on the 25th of Feb 2004. He sent it to me, almost crying and in deep sadness. 10 hours from the birth of his first and only baby. He was in deep sadness and feeling so sad. 'Never felt that sad before. I am not ready for this baby when I know that I do not want to continue with her mother.' A. is my friend. R. his wife I saw couple of times. Warned him from marrying her because of many reasons. Age. Class. Education. Attitude. Lots of things. He was lost at that time. Wanted to feel loved. And she did love him. Or was impressed by him. He recognzied that and instead of trying to reveal his true self to her, he hid more and more and presented more of the stuff that dazzled her eyes. She basically married him for his money. Well, now that she is no more impressed by his money, she dropped him, and wasted his money. He even could not split from h...

Never felt that lonely in so long. Really lonely. I am home alone. Room alone. Empty house. Everyone is gone somewhere. Do not know where. There is a deep sadness that is filling the house. Not sure from what. But I feel it. Feel that everyone is sad. If not sad, then heavy. Lots of wishes and dreams that are not fuilfilled or waiting for. Everyone is taking a road to partially do it. Or just ignoring it. Living day-by-day. Weekends come and you are the only one hating it. You will not be doing anything special. Becomes a reminder of your loneliness. Of your boredom. Boring life to some extent. A life with no particular purpose that you look forward to. You go wonder. From one place to another. Few friends to connect to. Everyone sinking in his own life. Happy or sad. Floating or agnoized. A life of some sort. She is in Alex hunting for her pleasure that she can not find. Not sure if she is happy. But she has lots of things to be happy with, yet, insisting to deny them all and search f...

The one thing that strikes me so much. This sharp, piercing black eyes. Very obvious. Eyes that are sweeping. Grasping. Watching and checking. Silently challenging. Silently interested to know who you are. Not settled. Restless. Sad. I can see that. Recognize it and can't deny that it caught my attention. Not that I seeked it. Just knew that there was a blink of connection.

I left work to go meet him but he was late. I was initially not in the mood. Was feeling a lot of silence and sadness inside. Wanted to connect but a silence connection where I just stay not utter a word. Feeling him beside me, breathing and deep in his thoughts and process. I had no energy. Could be from work, but mainly from other things that I am searching for answers and clarification for. Anticpation that I dont like. Living in anticipation for too long drains me I guess. Even if it is not in the foreground. Just by being in the background it eats from my energy. Anyways, I went to the meeting place and knew he would be late. I parked my car outside. Sat there for sometime trying to read but I was not in the mood for that. I needed something else. I left the car, emptied my bag except from my purse and went out to walk. The golf course was getting emptied. Lessons finished and everyone is going home or whatever. It was empty. I looked around and I started walking. Was searching f...

My friends in the states have been trying to make this huge gathering for our school. One after the other, it fails. So it is not only here that people miss to manage or to organize an outing. Big or small. Friends or not. Longing to meet or not. It is just a global syndrom where it is really hard to organize to get a huge group together--in here, even 2 people to meet. I am not blaming anyone, it is usually me who bailout of pre-organized, pre-announced gatherings or appointements. I would be super excited to join, but laugh at myself because I know when time comes, I wont be in the mood to meet actually. I just cant get to commit to going out. Anyways, I have been recieving all these emails from my friends announcing a kickoff for our gathering. I was excited. I didnt know my plan but I cant travel to the USA at that time because of many reasons. I wanted to go. I just remember portland when I went there couple of times. BUt why Portland. Why not anyother place. I have no idea. Anywa...

Going out of Cilantro Koraba, I saw the title: Laiterie Khalifa. There stands an old dairy, milk shop in the midst of all modernized shops, and windows. Laiterie Khalifa. I stood outside. My back to the fashionable, modern yellow and lime green coffee shop, and my face towards the old milk shop, with its forever staying half french, halk egyptian name. I wondered for couple of seconds. I halted. Not sure why I did. But I just stopped and gazed. No particular feeling or line of thoughs running in my head. Just could be that I was feeling the different worlds that I stood inbetween. Not in the exact middle, but more inclined and close to the modern one. I just stood. Kept repeating the name. It was basically the first time I saw this shop in my whole life, yet, have heard of it before almost 15 years ago. I am not sure what I tried to do, but I just was in a fast pace to find out what I want. I simply at the end of the gaze, just admired the name and how its written. Tried to imagine how...

My attitude to Cilantro is now totally different. After a long time of unconsciously boycotting Cilantro, I am back again. Still unconsciously. I start going there again. Now that I have upgraded my laptop and can connect wireless and hi-fi and all these hight technology, I am like one of these who enter Cilantro, open their laptop, skim the audience, check others laptops, open to CNN and find the little msn popps up, burry their faces in the screen chatting and browsing, rarely working. Anyways, I became one of those. I enter, not smiling anymore, not there to observe and enjoy myself over a coffee, stare aimless at the glass infront of me, overhear conversations, but basically to work. Believe it or not. Haal, believe it you too or not. I actually go there to work. Why? Because simply I couldn't work at work. It is so distracting. Being this manager gal, I get interrupted a lot and people pops in for questions and silly requests. So Cilantro becomes now my working destination. I ...

I am like a volcano in a ancient coffee island. We so describe our relation.

J-spot is very painful. It can kill you if you let yourself induldge into it. Makes you exercise your imagniation skills. Ride and gallop with horses in that area of space. In fact, you suddenly find yourself owning all the space in the world, and its solely dedicated to expand and ponder on that feeling. You imagine more things that hits right on the J-spot. Right on it. Harder and harder it strikes and you just instead of filtering these hits you welcome more and more of it. Very painful. I can hardly see any pleasure in self stimulating the J-spot. You by time feel butterflies in your stomach and a deep wish to retreat from the whole world. Why go there if you can't handle it. Well, I know lots of things to stop my self stimulation but I just can't stop imagining. Will go to extreme thinking and scenarios. I have a feeling my scenarios are right. It is logical. How can it not be done all that time? Something is not right? But why would I care? Well, I dont care for the parti...

I wrote, 'love, life, laugh.' He wrote, 'life, love, laugh.' I smiled. Why did we flip the order of the first two. I immediately said, 'Ah, I chose love first because I am emotional, and you went with life first because your practical nature.' I always joke and sometimes mean it when I say that he is practical. He sure is. Apart from him being the most sensitive and considerate person, he indeed is practical. Practical in a decent sense. In a complete emotional sense. Yes, he can see the details, yet concerned with the end result and plan. I, yes, see the big picture, yet important the details are to me. I can sacrify the plan for the detail. Twist the big picture in a range; turn the big picture upside down; discard the whole picture if I have to, just to enjoy the detail. I drive my enjoyment from details. Following it. Looking through it. Playing with it. In a way that I see it not really bothering the target. The target in itself is not my mission. It is the...

It was just last night that I was opening and checking the SSCH and the institute site. For some reason, I just wanted to check what was happening on the other side of the world, and with the Sufis...etc. Sounds to me like such a long long time. Something very remote. Everything changes. And people who were separate, joined forces, people who were together separated. Very funny. The world is moving into a more and more clusters of similar people, bonded by similar interests and similiarities. I wonder what gathered all these apparently different people together. What are they trying to really build? I read the language, and the words they use, and I feel as if it is coming from a distance. Very foreign to my ears these words had become. I sank down in my chair and recalled these past moments, and I cant help but smile. We are brainwash ourselves. Not something negative, but when you are very longing to something, and you hear different language and vocabulary that makes you hopeful, yo...

Last thursday, was 'just like heaven.' It was all destined for us to meet. Not once per that day, but twice. Unexpected. Light. Lovely and inspiring. I was slacking home. Didn't go to work that day. Decided to take a long weekend off and just relax. Have been a rough end of year analysis and decisions. So I stayed home. He was having a meeting at the fringes of Cairo. Called. Laughing. 'I went to the wrong place. Meeting was at the office and I thought it was at smart village.' I laughed. What an air-headed. So we decided to meet miday at Cilantro, on his way to work. And we did. Just a little talk over coffee. Enjoyed every second of it. We departed only on the promise that we will meet again after he finishes work. Will pass by my house to pick me up. I agreed. I walked home. Did some silly shopping on my way. Bought a cool bag, that he didn't like that much--but everyone did. Arrived home. Crashed on bed waiting for him to call, and he did. I was planning to ...

Salma... who is Salma? Well, she didn't come yet. But she will be arriving on the 9th of April. Wow! You are pregnant still, however, you: Already knew she is a girl, Already gave her a name, And definetly knew her birthday. I couldn't help but feel a little sarcastic. Not from R., who seems from the first while like a sweet lady, but from our nature. Our pre-deterministic nature. Our deep need to control what we don't have or see. Invent tools, and seek guidance just to know the future. I admit, I wont like to know the gender of my baby. I won't give it a name. I won't seek to know the exact date of his birth. I will leave it all to be a surprise. A gift, from the Giver. Change in it as He likes. Name it as He likes. Shape its destiny as He likes. Bless it whichever way He chooses.