A Message from within

...and the endless chase finally came to an end. I once wrote, 'Every time I thought I found myself, got hold of my life, I end up lost again. Will there ever be an end to this endless chase.' I wrote much much more. Inside my books; back of my motorcycle maintenance; on pieces of papers. Endless notes to endless encounters. Had I known the chase is that fake and tasteless, I would have indeed saved it to just enjoy a sunny day. Had I known the dreams are that cheap, I would have spent that night awake. Had I known that home is so cruel and selfish, I would have left it deserted. Had I known that prayers dont get lost, I would have remained an infidel. This is the final post. The endless chase was called off because the chaser died.

Yes O. I still believe that finding a to share deeply is home. Until you find this home, forever we will be strangers. Some people are lucky to find it. But whether they take it or not, its a choice. And not everyone can endure being home. It is not easy to go and choose it, but once there, forever things unfold. And home happens once. And it depends how you see life. It happens once. Me? I do not believe in another life. It all happens here. Make the best or worse here. The choice is here. There? There is no choice.

When we were young and our soul collide with our desires and culture, we feel stranded far from home. As adults we continue to drive ourselves even farther from the home. If we were never taught to return to the soul-hime in childhood, we repeat the theft and wandering around lost pattern. But, even when it is our own dismal choices that have blown us off course, too far from what we need, hold faith, for within the soul is the homing device. We all can find our way back. The trick is the bone. Everytime you gear-up, gather all your energies and are ready to takeoff, a bone is thrown. And we fly to catch the bone and eat it,forgetting what we were initially following. Ah, I remember. And oh yes, this is another bone, and another bone and another bone. Until you just forget what you initially wanted or need. THe endless gearup and release drains you and make you at the end submit to the bone giver. And you forget. We all forget.

They say it is a mirage. The refraction of sun rays over the horizon. I remember how I learnt about it. I was a good kid. Read a lot. Witnessed a lot. And silently wished to be shared. None of that happened. And through that I learnt to entertain myself and play. I still remember driving back in the summer near the 'unknown solider' pyramid where sadat was killed, I hinted, 'watch out there is water'. You without even looking to me said, 'there is no water.' I smiled. I called, 'it is a mirage. Happens when sun rays are broken not reflected.' I waited for a conversation. A continuation of what I plotted to start. But there was silence again. I guess I was hoping for a conversation back then. But it was refracted. You missed it. And since then, my voice was just diverted somewhere totally else. And it is too late to hear it again.

It was supposed to be easy. No hassle or too much planning. It is straight forward. You do this, you get that. You finish this, start that. On and on you go with no real suffering or expecting the unexpected. Most things go on. You grow up, others die, you love, you get married, you have kids, work sustain it all. On and on you go. A movie that is known and comprehended with no real hassle or need a brainer to grasp it all. When you suddenly realise it is hard. Harder than ever. Choices that are endless. Decisions that are all harder than ever. Wisdom and quotes that are hard to stick to. It is not that easy and it is not that straight. It is very hard and it is indeed crooked. Collapse and fall. Rise and boom but at the end you will reach the same. Suffering and muffling. Wondering and wandering. A stranger in the big town. Stranger in the small hug. Vocal in your own yawning. This is all what you will get. Nothing. You live with who you dont love, and love who you dont live with. Hav...

I am glad I took the first step in the postponed project. Glad I did it. It was not so easy to gear myself up and insist, regardless all the illusionary intimadation and hesitation, to start. But I have been preparing for it since a while. Secretly visited Sultan Hassan at night in preparation for it. Called upon it from the very land of the red indians. And it came with an offer.With sarcasm, and thoughts I examined it, when I finally accepted it. The secret is, I always wanted it. Dearly. I paid its due, a bit late. But I paid. Its value is not a concern of anyone. It is the ancient secret between me and someone who is amazingly dear to me, finally I believed; forever ignored and put down one time after the other, yet come back so dear again and this time I wont ignore or endure the sad look over a lost bet! I am never a lost bet. I dare say that. Now.