A Message from within

'Et si tu crois que c`est fini Jamais C`est juste une pause, un répit Après les dangers Et si tu crois que je t`oublie Écoute Ouvre ton corps aux vents de la nuit Ferme les yeux' Garou never cease to impress me with his songs. Love that voice. 'Sous le vent'. Indeed, 'sous le vent', je survis. Réellement, je meurs. 'Sous le vent', there rests a bundle of strangled, untamed, forever hidden, marinated, very raw and wild water. When the ebb season comes in, it attempts- so openly, hopefully and optimistically- carve its way in its contained space. Peak here and there. Open new lands. Extend and expand itself into new soil. Sneak into new sand. Penetrate and sink palyfulnessly into an island. Reveal its shiny, sparkling nature. Full of hope and longing to fill the island of its choice and find this little seed that is awaiting its danggling, dancing drops. So close to reaching that, the tide comes in. Pulling the water back, before reaching its goal. Leaving...

So everytime I want to disconnect from the Mundane, I go There. 'There' there is nothing. No cars. No people. Nothing. Just this pond. The deserted villas of relatives who either died, never go 'There', or putting their villas for sale. Abu 'Ali the fish place where I drive there to get crabs and shrimp to-go and eat it by the water at my favourite spot. I have 2 favourite spot, now 3. Initially it was over the jetski house where I would just sit, overlooking the pond and hiding. Would sleep too on the cement. Drink tea with milk and space out. Watch the segull and the fisher-men. Second best was at the jetty that is extending almost 100 meters into the water. Would sit on the steps. Throwing my legs into the water. Enjoying the wave splashing in my face. Usually sit there early early morning. Take-off my clothes and jump for a morning swim before the fishermen wake-up. I would go there late at night too. Same setting so close to the water. So close to the splashing...

- Parking at cilantro, this parking guy keeps irritating me. He is super genuis, I suppose. Can tell from his eyes. He talked to me in English asking me, 'why hadretek forgetting me? This is my job.' To which I answered, 'because I dont like you. You irritate me.' He answered, 'want someone else'. This guy has been my 'annoying guy' since more than a year. I fought with him because when he insisted on making me pay for parking when I thought he was just super ridiculous. Since then, I would never give him a penny, yet he insists on helping me with my parking. He knew I would not pay him. Can tell I hate him. But he just does it for the fun of 'connecting'. My friend asked me over and over to avoid eye-contact with him. Ignore him. But I just can't do that. Have to mumble and exchange sharp eye-contact with. As if I enjoy him irritating me. - Everytime I look to my right or left and by 'chance' make a quick-eye contact with a driver in...

You know? I miss you. With you, I built my own images of this old black and white world. Of a fair-lady. A love story. Smelled the 'essence Uff' of the world of boundaries and false aristocracy. Seen or rather imagined the workshop for creation. Creation of beauty, up lifting scenes and plays. Elegance. Really elegant you were. Dedicated. Loyal. Attached. Baby till the last moment. Loving to life and to beauty. To taste. Elegant taste. Sleeping on the King's bed. Angels at its corner. Golden brass metal boundaries. Not isolating you, yet preserving your golden age. Golden heart and art. Your energy filled me up when I see you jumping, singing, loving, adapting, projecting, crying in sorrow and in happiness. Declaring your love on stage. On the very place you adored. United your Lover with your beloved. Neither one got jealous. They accept. They loved one another because they loved you. You bounded them and they bounded you. So sad this ever changing world. But it can not be...

And it starts to go away. Does it really? Well, I did not utter it but delivered it. Yea, I can actually deny and refuse. Do I still have the power to do that? Surprisingly, I can. I said it and was comfortable with. My mind did not object, neither did my heart. Did they align? I guess so. After a number of wounds they align. Mind and heart are collaborating. No more enemies. No more positive and negative. Joined the same time. I know why they aligned? I made-up between them actually. Shared them to eachother. Expalined the other's reason and left. Did not impose one on the other. Sounds like it worked. Initially at least. Glad the 2 supported the joined decision to respect me. My wish. Smooth 'compromise'. Thank you. It is really no surprise. The running scenario in my head happened. Deja Vu. I rehersed it and it happened. It did. Opening another possibility to what else are running in my mind. To more severe real scenarios. This time I rehersed. Probably will reherse to m...

It has been so long. Alone. On my own. Calming down and relaxing. Not particularly nostalgic to old days couple of years back. Yet nostalgic to meeting. And I met. Instantly. Deeply and this time with absolutely no intensity. Just as the two seas meet yet no one overpowers the other. No invading. Just two meeting together silently. The longing was so high. Been what, four years now of separation, with a year of complete break in the connection. Dry, disconnected, tensed, shame, fear, boredom, avoidance, no willingness, escape, sarcasm, disappointement, sadness, emptiness, falseness, confusion, sinking. And the long list keeps getting longer. I am happy I decided to do it. To take the endeavour. To insist. Absorb all the initial rejection that started from the circumstances and the people around. Refusal and the normal attempt to pull me to the many discouraging details. Guilt. Sympathy. Well, I had enough. I insisted to meet and I did. I left behind all the begging looks and hopes. Jus...