A Message from within

I have two things in mind that I want to write about, but I keep deleting it. I think I don't want to be impolite to certain people and facts. But, will try to stay in the politeness as Amina always says. I guess it will be easier if I give myself the liberty to be impolite, and be ok with this impoliteness without judging myself aganist vague, unclear definitions of who is or not this or that. Maybe at the end I will discover that what I forever thought impolite, is indeed the highest manners. SO, hey, I am impolite. Begad begad gedan not polite. Can I burst it all out now?

I think my decision was good overall. Not minding the stressed people around, but I managed to enjoy my time; get to see some stuff closely; have a little, just a little bit, more acute angle on how things work and how I would like to ..... and how much I detessed .......; I promised myself some stuff that I would like to stick to; .... Ah, S annoyed me. She is always complaining, and talking about problems.... a little too negative for my taste, or maybe--I am trying to be less judgemental here-- she is feeling too stuck. Initially I was trying to act as if I understand her complains (although I was not really convinced with her points). I guess I was hoping this complaining mood will be a temp. state. haha, when I found that she is endless in that I get bothered. I told her to get a life! But she feels too stuck to do that too. So... My role is over I suppose! Boundaries again? I think she needs to understand that she can complain for certain amount of time, and her friends, me in pa...

Today is absolutely hectic. I have some tasks to accomplish both at work and at home. I feel my knees trembling from both excitement and being nervous. I just need not to be perfect I guess in the decision I am about to make, and enjoy my procrastination. Anyways, there is something sad today in the air. I am not sure what. In fact, this week's weather has this sadness in it. I am inclined more to staying alone. Last night, I was up reading a book until 3 am. My side lamp was not working, so I decided to read on the candle light. I did. It was nice. I start to wonder why I feel depressed with the coming of spring. I kinda don't like spring. Very lame. There is something about it that makes me feel agitated. Could be because everyone just likes spring and bla bla about its nice weather and flowers, .... Spring, oh Spring, I love spring, and sings for it. I don't know. Well, I definetly love Autumn and Winter more.

J'ai decide de commencer a prier. J'ai prie sporadiquement dans le passe, mais avais cesse de le faire tout ensemble pour plus qu'une décennie maintenant. Aucune esperance mais je veux juste savoir et explorer pourquoi j'ai cesse la priere.

Nouvelles et plus de nouvelles. Mes amis K et H obtiennent un divorce. K est un bon ami, et par temps H avait lieu aussi. Mon avis etait lui n'était pas un mariage tres doux. Je les ai vus en tant que personnalite differente, ce genre de differences qui cree la tension plutot que l'amusement. J'ai toujours senti la tension entre eux dans leur interaction mais n'ai jamais commente. K est plus d'une personne reservee. Un ingenieur que de notre premiere interaction j'ai su que sien est si decent. H est un plus ouvert, ou liberal dans un sens que je n'aime pas en particulier. Mais elle est amusement et parle beaucoup. La derniere fois quand tous nos amis d'ecole rencontres avaient 2002. K et H etaient engages d'ici la. J'etais genre d'etonnant au changement enorme qui est arrive a son personna. Il etait liberal, au moins dans l'exterieur, que mon experience de lui a l'ecole. Il dirait des plaisanteries, comment drole, K ! ! ! Je lui ai di...

Since the good Wednesday, things are getting better with me. I went out a lot, every single day. Everytime different group. I enjoyed most of it. The worst of my outings was with my friend's cousin who is 5 years older than myself. I don't particularly enjoy her company that much, but I like her, or to be honest feel sorry for her. She is real sweet and kind, but I just get really irritated after everytime we talk or visit. We definetly have nothing in common, totally different personalities, approach to life and experiences. What bugs me really is that although we hopped on different boats in our life journey, but she insists on including us in the same boat! This makes me go nuts. How I got her to meet me was totally my mistake. I was drinking coffee alone last friday, my mind half working when my phone rang. I looked at number and did not recognize it but still I answered. It was her. I now realized what I had done to my peaceful quite coffee time but too late. Now, all I co...

Yesterday was one of these days where I prowled in my little corner. I know something was not right with me. I started off making some sacrastic comments, entering in a mini-clash here and there under the cover of joking around. Of course, I was by no means jokking. I meant every nasty comment I made. Well, I should have known by now that starting off with this attitude would no doubt end up in a major clash. Oh really, get out! This exactly what I was looking for. A serious, begad begad gedan, clash. I ended up pissing S, having her spit-out that I am really annoying and she is too kind to deal with my crap. GEEE, that was a relief! Apart from her using the word 'sacrifying', not sure why though, what she said was exactly what I wanted to hear. After that, I went out with O to eat Sushi. We were the only ones in this Sushi place. Although the place smelled bad, and one of my Jo-Sushi was a little bluish in colour, I did not complain or call the waiter. Nada. I slammed my mouth...

Still thinking about my previous angry-ness . It sure is a reflection of suppressed pain and fear. What else can it be? These feelings are, can we say, native feelings that we are born with. I don't know. Well, I discovered another one, maybe just a branchoff of: Hope. Hope and fear! My friend A.W., now living in NZ, while casually s kype-ing with her Sunday night said, 'Humans should be like dogs and the qualities they (dog) carry for their beloved.' Excuse me! Before I understood what she had just said, she had to go. Intriguing statment especially the doggy dog part. I did not take it as an insult, but the first thing came to mind was the quality of dogs: loyalty, attachement, protection, never abandon, and sacrifice that only dogs (at least to my knowledge) do show their master. Not sure if dogs see their owners as master, or just simply as beloved. I assume that in their doggy mind they do not run this 'Master, Slave' realization. Just simply 'my beloved...

I had a remarkable night. Very rejuvenating. Very simple. We went out to dinner with our friends O and A. They are the only intellectual couple we enjoy our get-together with. Both are Architect and work in the field of renovation. A in particular--just recieved his doctrate degree from UPenn-- has a real passion for art and history. He has been renovating houses, madrasas and hamams for over 15 years now. Got both his theoratical and practical knowledge nailed down, albeit, he preserved an amateur spirit. The place we chose for last night was a real simple, authentic place right downtown. Unless you are a real cairene, not minding walking in shabby areas that you usually pass by car only by mistake, you will find it. Next to the Italian culture center, hides this place with its huge gate and secretive life. We walked up to the gate, A called the guy who came rushing to us. He immediately recognized A, who goes there pretty regularly with his 'foreign' friends working with him...

This is me today. Ready to fight. Fight with anyone, does not matter who, what, or why. Started already at home. And here I am hunched infront of my laptop, one hand on my forehead, starring at the numbers infront of me. Not in the mood to open my mouth, or listen to anything or anyone. I guess Sting is the only exception!

The weather friday was absloutely beautiful. I went to Andrea with 'Z' and other friends. I was relaxed and the ambiance was too. Although it was crowded, but it felt like everyone wanted to just relax and enjoy the dynamic hive, the BBQ smell, and to hive off to his private island, I did at least. It was not exactly an island, but more like starring in the nowhere, just wanting to go back to my old habbit of watching annonymous people gestures, smiling, pretending, eating, ..etc. It is my favourite part of the show. You will be surprised but you can get to notice the insider of people, things we don't usually notice in the midst of our hasty life. 'Hi... what's up? Tamam, yep kolloh tamam, eih akhbarak...' Stupid words, I want to stop doing that. I sometimes over do it when I want to avoid a certain kind of question, or maybe because I hate it when someone asks me how I am doing or what's up, or what is new? I don't know what is up, and I don't have...

I was watching a TV show intereviewing a mediocre actor regarding his new role in a movie. He shrugged his shoulders, licked his lips and said with a pompous attitude, 'Begad, begad, begad gedan my role in this movie is a SURPRISE... a real SUPRISE ....!' Triggered by his attitude, and his twaddle phrase, an archetype of these days, I could not help but ask myself what the heck is begad begad gedan phrase? Does this mean that our statements, words and opinions are not serious, hocus-pocus, and that statment of his is a nouvel way to confirm that this is different from the usual, 'hey people, this is serious, better listen up.' Or maybe it is another way to give an add value to shoddy things; convience ourselves and others of our alluring achievements, when in essence they are just mediocre ones. I just simply think that using high pitched words to describe flat toned actions will redefine our sense for words and alter our original definitions. By time, words like astoun...

Did three completely different things today. 1)I was so calm at work today albeit the Suckeness of the day as everything refused to work 2) swinged by AUC and watched a 4 hours intereview of Edward Sa'id. I love this guy, and I cried once or twice during the movie. I kept looking to his eyes, very energetic, I love passionate people. There is something about this Edward that moves me, and I feel very connected to him. Partly because I walk by his house in Zamalek a lot, and partly because his sense of not belonging reminds me of myself, his connection to his mother, his rough time with his father, his internal dilemma and contradiction ... lots of things, maybe worth exploring some time. So seeing him for 4 hours talking gave me this tingling energy that I love. 3)I went out with the same gang of last week. This time we went to Labodiga, and been joined by a fourth friend. We had a fun time. They kicked us out of the dinning area to the bar. In the midst of the bar, AUC graduation ...

The will to nothingness has become master over the will to life! Is this true? is there perhaps not a stronger gurantee of life in this victory of the weak and mediocre? Suppose the strong had become master in everything. How then would they think about sickness, suffering and sacrifice. Self-contempt on the part of the weak would be the result; they would try to disappear and hide. And would this be desirable? and would we really want a world in which the influence of the weak, their subtelty, consideration, spirituality, pliancy was lacking? Well, Mr. Vonnecut, good points. As long as the so called weak exists, the master will. If the weak disappears, who then will we judge and laugh at? Ourselves? I doubt it.

Had a nice outing chez my friend. We were 3 couples, very hilarious I guess. We, well they, talked frankly about marriage problems, and my friend 'A' and her husband 'A' cracked us up about the funniest things happening between them. Funny to us, but to them very painful at its time. Well, I guess this is life, the very painful moments are very hilarious at other moments. They all shared, but can I share, hell no. Not a word! I was scared that 'Z' would misunderstand it as trying to pressure him, plus I am not into sharing when their is tension in the air. I zipped my mouth shut and just drowned myself in my friends sharing. Of course they know what's up, I shared before, actually no one really cares if I shared or not, it was just sharing for the laughs and not to solve anything. But I think, if we are ok about sharing our stuff then we are not taking anything personal, and we are open to mistakes and open minded in general. This is my take. So is the probl...

Siblings of the president were to become officers of the Foundation upon reaching the age of twenty-one. All officers were officers for life , unless proven legally insane. They were free to compensate themselves for their services as lavishly as they pleased, but only from the Foundation's income!

There is no sense of privacy in this place. Anyone on his way to pee, change whatever or check her makeup has to pass by and stand to chat, or pretend to, and ask me for chewing-gum. Well, it is true that I eat lots and lots of gum, oh no no, not to cover the smell of the cigarettes but just an old habbit I picked from a friend of mine, and yes, I could not find anything worth picking from her other than chewing gum habbit. So what's up with chewing-gum. Is it that suddenly everyone is conscious about her smelly breath, or they all go smoke in the bathroom. Maybe they think I smoke and 'do you have gum' is the secret word for ' Cutey we know you do it, join us in the bathroom.' Oh NO!!

Well, I had an absolutely nice time last night. I went out with my two good friends. We went to restaurant in Mohandessen, a cafe. It was great. Our choice of this cafe was based on the fact that it is a sombre, with little light. We did not want to be seen, starred at while laughing so loudly, smoking cigarettes and complaining about our lives, talking about the most intimate details of our lives. We were mistaken! The moment we entered the cafe, we burst into laughter. The place was silent for 5 seconds starring at the new comers to the place trying to figure out what kind of chicks they were. Very quickly they realized that we were old enough, probably married and too old to be harrassed. We looked to each other, and laughed. There was no tables to sit so we decided to sit on the bar until later notice. Once settled, my friend opened her bag and got out her 'Kent'.... I snatched it and the moment I was about to light it from the candle infront of me, a heard a voice. I turne...

A rebel does not ask for life, but for reasons to live....