31 Jul 2014

Coffee and Cheese

This has become my new favourite place here. I go to it almost every day. I get a coffee that  I never manage to finish or drink a lot from. It is coffee of the day. Normal brew. But I claim it is the best coffee of the day I have ever tasted. I love to just walk browse the selves and smell the natural aroma of the shampoo and soap section. Reminds me of Terry, my friend from Oregon who just won't use anything non-organic. 

Last time, June and I were just about to leave when a tornado started and the generous rain soaked us. It was great feeling. The rain drops were actually bulky and full-bodied. Close to their coffee. Of course the coffee got cold. I still put it in the car next to the previous ones with the hope that i will finish it later… something that I should by now realise that it never happens.

No matter how many times I share the experience. Share the large assortment of cheese existing. The coffee experience. It all falls on deaf ears. I initially receive no comment. And later I hear a question that shows that nothing of what I have shared resonates with him. So I stopped. 

I keep reverting back to this 'stopping' act on my behalf. Sometimes it feels I am revisiting my decision. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not. For sure I am not, just giving myself more evidence that I am taking the right decision. Pulling out more evidence of my need to proceed.  Convincing myself that it is time to move out and away. Time to be like before.

I guess I was much happier. Happier because of the emotional independence. Happier because on the long distance, there was once a hope and a longing to be together and what this aspiration bring. 

It brings nothing. It brings nothing. Added nothing. Only despair and anger.


I realised that things are turning away from the perfect look that I once imagined and aspired to. It becomes more pragmatic, practical and distant. Same as the previous life. Probably will end like the previous one but this time with much more luggage to care for and adjust to. And with this will come the pain and the compromise. It might not be like the previous in taking different physical turns, but it will be deeper. A separation on the spirit level. Given the once claimed deep connexion we once had, it will be serious.

I am sitting here overlooking the golf course. June is busy with taking her long bath. Minutes after June and him ended the talk, I realised that I have no place among them. By choice. By design. By intention. I separate myself. And I do that by simply not responding to the fake gestures or polite invitation to engage. I can tell the boredom and the need to end the conversation and I let him go. I invite him to end the connexion and he gladly accepts this invitation with no hesitation. I smile in sarcasm. I still know you too well but this time I am deciding to not fight back or try to bring you closer. I realise it is a choice you have made for all the practical reasons and self-making. Does not matter to me. It is now time that I proceed as well. No matter how I see where these decisions will take us, but it becomes inevitable to go further. First realisation is me holding my stance and, not as usual, dismiss and fake my feeling of connection 'on demand' to avoid him feeling rejected.

Well, this is the beginning I suppose. I can see where the next years will shape up.

For the two of us.

For the four of us.