31 May 2014

First attempt

So she finally said it in a semi suffocated irritated tone. A relief to part of the anger she had been feeling for the past year and half. Initially she mumbled with annoyance ' ...you will never move to close this machine.' He must have heard or guessed her saying that. But seriously how ridiculous this while thing is. She's almost collapsing from fatigue and errands; he sitting on the sofa doing nothing, the machines screams but in vain. As if nothing is happening. Why does she have to go turn it off every single time! And now he eats the ice cream and the loakers and leave the empty containers on the kitchen' table! Why?

' I know you don't love me and all but have some mercy....' Indeed, have some freaken mercy. You are always doing this. It's her turn now to tell you: ' you are such a liability...' Worst type of liability actually. A taker by all means.

At least she said it finally. Not sure why is she reluctant to share what she felt. It's not that she's scting wise and hiding her feeling,  but could be an inability of self express herself verbally. Maybe because he will beat her in that as usual so it's a lose battle there.. And it is.

I truly think it's not going to go far. Too much stress that is causing everyone of them to research in his old papers.

For her, it's indeed unbearable. On the brink of despair.

30 May 2014


I can't really blame it all on June. Yes, she is a factor but not all the factors. Maybe she helped accelerate the process. To reveal aspects that was hidden and stagnant beneath the surface of the connexion. The location as well did play its turn and unites with June against me.

When June arrived, I was already in a floating state still discovering the depth of the connexion. Although the connexion had promised and had hopes that it would be a strong, astounding one, but a little while into it, it did not really seem as it promised. It was like any other. Had its ups and downs, as well as, its silent moments. I think it was a normal thing to happen, but given what this deal had promised, it was underachieving.

Looking back and looking now, I can surely say that it is not successful. And I am daring myself to say and declare that it will not be. June, although an accelerator to this desitny, but it is what's holding it from falling so quickly.


I am sitting here. Alone. Finally I would say. There are lots of things I need to catchup on with myself but I have no time. Or energy. Or will. Or even desire. Escaping and be alone have become my target. Everyday target. As if it becomes my only objective now. When I am 'finally' alone, I do not sleep, although I so need it. I just sit alone in this miserable place look at the mess around. How everything is crooked and twisted. Unorganised and misplaced. Unclean and uncared for. Empty fridge and stacked garbage. Lots of items here and there that are not taking any shapes nor promising any direction. Rich view but with poor interior and with what resides inside.

1 May 2014

T: 'Who knows maybe the next trip you will come with me to visit these countries.'
S: 'You never know. You might be surprised.'

And he meant it as a sarcasm to the countries he was proposing she will be visiting with him when he takes the new post. And she meant it as a decision that she had already done with herself. She is definitely not going to be joining him. Anywhere. Sounds like she had made her mind and deciding where she will do next. What will happen next. How she will proceed next. All in the next phase. For the now, it will remain stagnant for the time being until the delivery occurs. Before and after that she will remain silent. Maintain her distance. Saluting their break and disconnection that now became part of their daily routine.

What really happened between them was not expected on some level. It could have been blown out of proportion; been initiated as a joke then took a different dramatic direction. Or just a phase. I personally think it is not a phase. It is a real situation that was initiated and got bigger and serious and no one thought to cut through it and heal. The end result is what it is now. Gloomy. Distant. Cold. Sickness. Bitterness. And more important, Boredom.

Boredom I totally understand. And the combination looks scary. But this is what becomes a fact out of this relation. It started well. Moved on limping. Going down silently. And will halt soon. No more Vroom Vroom. Only beep beep. A signal that gets lost in the midst of the endless reminders and requests.