Struggle on all levels
I found my relieve. A temporary one. I was able to find home away from home and home. Did not have to search far. I just tapped inside. Looked around. And designed it for myself. It changed my approach to things. Made me more free when I was there. I liked to go there against all odds. Surprising myself and others. I go there and I am free. Regardless of all the walls and the regulations, I was free. I can claim that I was the only one free there. I find my space. I find home and I was free.
Free in this 8-3 timeframe. Only. Between this slot. Before and after I switch back. To inner silence. Broken connection. Sole dialogue. Monologue. I enter the duty mode. The delivery mode. Almost switching places. I deliver where i am supposed to be connecting; and connected where I was supposed to deliver. But it was the only way to survive. When you feel lonely. Alone. Isolated. On your own. You need to find an exit. To carve one. To survive. Remember after all I am 'water.' I find my way. And I carve my space.
Then you get bored.
Bored from the continuous focus to stop you. To force you to deliver and connect in the right order. And it does not work. The connection start to overwhelm you. The delivery start to expedite. ANd in between you feel again squeezed.
The problem is not in the toggling between both situations. Or both expectations. It is the realisation the need to be somewhere else.
I always thought and feel that I should be somewhere else. WIth no one. Just with me.