27 Jul 2013


- No matter how many times the machines keep screaming announcing its end, he wouldn't lift a finger to go close it. Not in a million time.
- no matter how tired I am from the many items I'm juggling, he will remain still. Legs on the ottoman, nuts and coke in tht other watching tv
- no matter how he promised to wake up with them at dawn to play, he ends up waking at 10.
- no matter how he promised to make lunch, he will just forget or ignore.

Lots of that.
And he forgot our marriage date. Not that he missed the date, which is ok,but he didn't even remember. What a sign. He should believe me when I say it's a sign. Sign of negligence.

Not for long.


I sit now alone. Deep in my thoughts. In my boredom. My anger. Sadness. Exhausted and annoyed. Trapped in my own thoughts that are all destructive. Secretly waiting for a way out. Anticipating an escape. Planning. Something inside me tells me that I won't last here for long. I won't last long. I know that. It was a mistake. I am now sure. It could be the whole institution that I detest. But also the members. I don't belong with them. I changed. Probably. Doesn't matter. What's matter now is that there's no connection anymore. If there is one its a exhausted one. Losing its spirit. So we chose to store it somewhere safe with a hope that we will restore its value. I played along and I know I'm not into restoring. I just discard. This is my danger side. It's dangerous to walk with me along this road even if I deduced you to taking it. Seduced by being silent. By hiding behind my silence. My strength. My random spurts. And bursts, by my indifference. Excuse me, I've got a self dialogue that I report to every year.  Managed by a woman from heaven. Listensed to if by a woman of endless love. And endless fear. Only recently did this fear came along. Previously it was only strength and love. Now fear tagged along. Could be the age factor.

Conclusion is I'm afraid to disclose how I see this isolated life. I know however that the other can sense. Not for long I suppose.