3 Jun 2012


At heart? Not exactly. Maybe. I do not know really where. But generally speaking. This feeling that you are still young. Or maybe old. Playing with the contrasts to realise the exact state. It is a strange feeling. Sometimes it is better not to think of it. Why do that? What will trigger you, or anyone to stop and ask oneself: "how am I feeling? Old? Young?" And what is the definition. I mean, how would you know if you are feeling old or young. I am not sure if there are symptoms of that inner feeling. I am not sure what made me write on this at this particular moment. Nothing really triggered that on the age level. It is not that I am suffering from a midlife crisis or seeing wrinkles on my face. Not exactly. I do not look much into the mirror or trace white hair or wrinkles. THe only think I do, or try to keep it as a routine, is drinking olive oil. It does miracles to your skin. Yes, it is skin that I am after. I have to admit that I feel uncomfortable when my face looks tired or has breakouts. Other than that, I feel good.

So what is it? It could be, actually, it is this feeling that almost everyone around you grew older that made me realise that I am still young. Not in a good sense? Could be. Because it makes me feel naiive and still spontaneous. Uncalculated. Still act as if I am in my 20s. Does not carry, or even remember, who I am and what I have done or not done. As if what I do or achieve go to someone else. Or credited to a different account balance.

I stay, as I am, free of it. Unaware of it. Do not use it to get more scores or pin a better position or limit. I just enjoy, by choice or by design, to be 'it'. Whoever this 'it' is. But for sure the barebone one. very lean and very transparent. Hardly would I bring forward anything from anywhere. And now I am not sure if this is good or bad.

But I know that it is time to do that. That grownup tact. Speak like my age. Dress like my age. Be my age. I am still in somewhere else. Living in the 'me', 'it' realm. Choosing, acting and thinking with the same manner. Responding the same way. Not responding the same way. Avoiding same things and accepting with the same attitude. No matter how I say to myself: Act differently here, I found myself just doing whatever I do again and again. With total passion or total coldness. Depending on what it is.


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