4 Jun 2012


Tonight is M. and myself night alone. We have been alone for sometime now. But this night is different. Consciously different. Yes we have spent a long time together. Most of it alone. But this alone is a different alone night. Maybe because it is a sad alone. Every one of us for her own reason. I know about mine. Not sure about hers. I could wonder a zillion reasons on her behalf but I am sure I will never guess right. Moreover, she will never share. Been silent for sometime. Finally, I found a silent partner.

So, what we decided to do is to stay home. Eat Hefa's Clementine, product of Israel!. Coffee. Assortment of cookies and wafer. Veggie sambousak. Listen to Lorena. Watch the gloomy sky and the rainy day. The flights passing by every 15 minutes. The crazy little black and red bird who sings all day. Go in circles. From the tree to the cable antenna. Too hyper with his newly developed flying skill. Happy with his screaming that we all hear as literally screams. Annoying screams. It does not stop. Screams. Screams. Screams. Even when we went out to get the coffee and the goodies, it chased us in a foolish way. Running after us. Catching its breath between one tree and another. Silly bird.

I feel responsible for developing M, musical taste. Or maybe I am using my commanding silence to impose my taste. Knowing that she will not really mind. Or maybe because I see her moving a bit with the music I assume she likes it. Well, again, she never complains. What I am suppose to make out of that.

So, why the sadness? It has been long time since it emerged. This sadness. Been captured. Immersed amongst many residuals and temptations. Errands. Ambitions. Empty moments. Active moments. Worries and fears. Did not have the chance to emerge. Just got pushed down. Forced inward. Maybe accepted to abide now. Confident that its time will come. Or maybe confident in me. That I will bring it up. And I did.

Main source of sadness is a realisation. Realisation that time passes. People change. Distance prevail. Coldness sweeps in and surrounds. Knit squeezed. Friends disseminate. Relations wear masks. Connexions rupture.

And we grow older.

Maybe the realisation is that I need to grow. Older? Not sure.

3 Jun 2012


At heart? Not exactly. Maybe. I do not know really where. But generally speaking. This feeling that you are still young. Or maybe old. Playing with the contrasts to realise the exact state. It is a strange feeling. Sometimes it is better not to think of it. Why do that? What will trigger you, or anyone to stop and ask oneself: "how am I feeling? Old? Young?" And what is the definition. I mean, how would you know if you are feeling old or young. I am not sure if there are symptoms of that inner feeling. I am not sure what made me write on this at this particular moment. Nothing really triggered that on the age level. It is not that I am suffering from a midlife crisis or seeing wrinkles on my face. Not exactly. I do not look much into the mirror or trace white hair or wrinkles. THe only think I do, or try to keep it as a routine, is drinking olive oil. It does miracles to your skin. Yes, it is skin that I am after. I have to admit that I feel uncomfortable when my face looks tired or has breakouts. Other than that, I feel good.

So what is it? It could be, actually, it is this feeling that almost everyone around you grew older that made me realise that I am still young. Not in a good sense? Could be. Because it makes me feel naiive and still spontaneous. Uncalculated. Still act as if I am in my 20s. Does not carry, or even remember, who I am and what I have done or not done. As if what I do or achieve go to someone else. Or credited to a different account balance.

I stay, as I am, free of it. Unaware of it. Do not use it to get more scores or pin a better position or limit. I just enjoy, by choice or by design, to be 'it'. Whoever this 'it' is. But for sure the barebone one. very lean and very transparent. Hardly would I bring forward anything from anywhere. And now I am not sure if this is good or bad.

But I know that it is time to do that. That grownup tact. Speak like my age. Dress like my age. Be my age. I am still in somewhere else. Living in the 'me', 'it' realm. Choosing, acting and thinking with the same manner. Responding the same way. Not responding the same way. Avoiding same things and accepting with the same attitude. No matter how I say to myself: Act differently here, I found myself just doing whatever I do again and again. With total passion or total coldness. Depending on what it is.