23 Feb 2011

VIEWS ON THE MARGIN

It has been so long since we met. It is not that we were disconnected. We had what you can call remote relation. Remote connection. Remote something. What is it, I dont know. After been close for couple of years, since the new location, things have tremendously changed. For whatever reason. It changed. And it is ok. I suppose I live with that 'change' thing. It does not really matter to me much. Maybe, as always been accused of, i dont really care. Or it might be that I grew wise and practical that I deny myself the attachment to 'people'. It is ok I would suppose. You need me, you connect. You get busy, you disconnect. And on we both go. I admit I am ok with either. Never felt that it is disrespected. I just feel that it is normal human thing. Over and above, it suits me to some extend. Saves me the burden of expectations. Of obligation. Of having to be totally open and sharing. Although, I hardly have time to share. Or hardly like to share. The time is mostly, recently I have to admit, is about the other.

So the other. I am not sure but I now started to get annoyed. Before I used to brag about my ability to accomodate and accept any ideas or whatever is told to me because I dont really get attached or too involved. I am not a good friend? Not particularly. Just I listen, comment, be involved but once I am in my car, I forget. Maybe wonder a bit about the situation and tell myself my true opinion of the other. But at the end, I just forget. Disengage.

With this friend, I am on the margin of being annoyed. I start to have a strong opinion of what is happening. To 'disrespect' the endless play and twisting of realities. To disrespect the manipulation and the betrayal. I simply disrespect. I am not evaluating or judging. I just can not find any more excuses to what is happening and what is getting led to. It is outside my comfort zone. I can accept weird stuff but when it comes to betrayal I find myself a bit disgusted.

So this meeting, I might call it the last, virtually, i got annoyed. I think I made up my mind regarding this relation and connection. We indeed have gone different ways. We no more match. No more meet at a familiar place. It is clear the choice of mates, the choice of attitudes, the choice of interests. It was before that we were connected with this tiny thread that against all odds stood strong amidst everything. But now, this tiny thread is utterly a thread. A thread that got torn apart with the straining and fakeness that greesed its outer. Made it easy for any dirt to accumulate. And it did. I see no purpose of continuation. No purpose of attempting for rivival. It is actually the end.

The booster got to healthy boost the ruptured thread from so much trial to tighten the knit. Well, it is a knit after all. A knit is suppose to get unravelled to be back again to thread. You wonder about all these threads that once covered the nakedness. But now just used to trap you while walking. The end result is the bin. It is useless to try to re-knit another one. For all the reason that starts from the thread itself.

As much as it feels weird, but it feels it is right. It is unwise to continue. But I am starting to see how this relation actually hurted me in ways that is a bit subtle. I always joked that it was purposely separating me from everyone, breaking connections with my connections. But now, I think it holds a grain of truth. It is a way to possess and control.

Can it be that wicked? Why not suppose that. It is not wrong to think so. It is not an insult as much as a technique. That works.