4 Oct 2008

I NOW KNOW

- ...how it is to 'try' to care and show love and support, a duty... and when it comes natural. Very different. Pretend to listen and show interest, when you just do it to keep a conversation and break the always uncomfortable silence, that for sure unleash the self-consciousness and checking. Very apparent. Even in the most beautiful places that you love.

- ...how it is to be able to hug someone to sleep and wake-up in still in each other's hug, and how it feels when it is a duty. It does take a real lovers to do it. To be totally at ease. Totally comfortable. Totally wanting to stay there. Even when feeling uncomfortable, you would want to endure the pain and wait silently, while looking to the beautiful sleeping face, until they naturally change positions. And when they ask you if you are in pain, you deny and smile. And continue the hug.

- ...how it is to find someone who really loves you and understands you. Interested in you..... and when you or him is just another face in the crowd that you see more often but does not know any better.

- ...how life can be beautiful and simple and how we complicate it on ourselves and others because of our fear. Happiness is a choice. Not here or there. But it is a strength of choice that not everyone can make it. Prefer to hide behind whatever they choose as shields.

-...how harsh and judgemental we all are on others and on ourselves. Imprison ourselves in our own judgemental and in the fear of others judgements while letteing life slips away.

-...how it feels when a couple is comfortable with one another, when the boundaries and boarders disappear opening a spacious space for the sun to shine and reflect on all the inner beauty, and the breeze to cool all the wounds, and the love to refine all the sharp edges without changing and destroying the map.

-...how it feels to share and smile... that I really miss.

-...how you are naturally born a strong willed, determined, and blessed with an unbeatable inner stamina and that nothing can stop it. I was amazed myself! That is a bless.

-...how your inner fire is so apparent that you smile while sitting silently watching those struggle to steal a moment with you and you let them do that; allow them to share whatever they want while you listening silently and sincerely. sometimes out of guilt knowing that you might have stirred something in them by the silent looks, unchanged smile and brief comments.

-...how much I am not a snob; unconsciously share nothing about myself; indifferent to say who I am; how bored i get from social conversations to which i listen with a spaced-out eyes and a wandering eye searching for a connection.

-...how people rarely listen; rarely interested in what is said; how they manage to eat, listen, talk and nothing register in or feed their soul, connection or stomach.

-...how much i enjoy myself and naturally manage to always be myself and do the routine that comforts me without distrubing anyone's space or plans...without forcing or even asking for a company. Self sustained to a great extent.

This long trip is teaching me a lot.

And my heart beats are deeper and stronger than I ever recognized.

Some people are born with a really sad heart.

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5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You indeed are very strong. Very brave, determined and safe to be with.

I am worried about you.

10/05/2008 05:34:00 pm  
Blogger Lisa Simpson said...

It would be interesting to meet you, just to see how a person with those thoughts look like.

i would like to watch you in your day to day, to see your reaction and thoughts.

10/05/2008 06:03:00 pm  
Blogger haal said...

You disappear and come back. Welcome back.

Well, :) nothing much.

In fact, I want to watch myself to see what I do and how I am like. But I am fun :)), only with those I like.

You know, all I am wishing for is a close company.

Come to egypt and I will meet you.

10/05/2008 06:14:00 pm  
Blogger haal said...

I changed my mind about meeting you lisa. Sorry! After the blog thing, and taking my work as yours, I am not particularly happy. Plus I am not sure who you really are.

I have my doubts that you do not live in the USA. How you behave and write doesnt sound like an american Lisa.

10/05/2008 09:12:00 pm  
Blogger Lisa Simpson said...

:) You sound childish. Your choice.

10/05/2008 09:55:00 pm  

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