21 Aug 2008

ABE

Now he is totally tamed. Or this is a stage? I don't really know.

We met. Yesterday. Almost an annual routine. Last year, we met in May. Went to Laboudaga for drinks. Until past midnight we were there. Talking and talking. I mentioned a little about myself and was a master in tricking him to talk about himself. Was not hard at all. I know what clicks with him. But overall it was sad.

Miserable in what he fought. Turned out that it was a complete failure. Well, I knew it would be 6 years ago. I was silence. I am not sure why I did not advise him. Yes I sure. He would not listen. He would listen to me the most during our long drives and travels. But I guess, I just did not want to force. Stubborn and ego but so damn fragile that I wont want to press hard. So I let him. Point taken aganist me, but now for me: I did not attend. It was my silent refusal. However, I later never opened the topic and treated the whole topic differently. After and before all, he was Abe. Someone with whom endless laughter and giggles flows all over New England.

Now. Yesterday. Met again. A crazy man spit on my window while driving there. I wonder why? We went to La Venue downtown Montreal. Until 2 am. Wondered in the street after that. Listening to Brel. He asked, is this Nana? I said Yes. And it was not Nana for sure. I just thought how nostalgic he is to sometime that probably never existed. Faked. Or maybe just imagined. A dream that he convinced himself of very much that now is part of his reality. I guess I just know do not like to play 'parent'. Sometimes it is just worthless to focus on trying to change someone's mind. Better to enjoy the time with.

I did.

He talked. This time he reached a different resolution. It is good. He was tamed. He is tamed. His Fire is gone. His 'way' is gone. Surrendering. He said, 'I feel I am going to die soon. My heart has grown so old inside.' I look at him and smile. I feel the ache. I can not help see the old Abe. Running here and there. Now he is running away. His only link to this life is through Charolett and the little memories that we had. He still laughs at what we did. Not the same laugh. He still hug me and kiss me with passion. But not the same hug. He still flirts with me. But not the same words. Tease me. But not the same tease.

Everything is done with a 'broken' twist. And it hurts me.

How much I get annoyed from him. Now. This time. I felt that I did not want him to leave. I did not want this shadow to disappear. I know where he would go. ANd I pity him. I wish the future is soft on him. He is Abe after all.

The only person who I never got out of my way to do anything for him, yet, he consistently got out of his way to help and protect me. A great friend out of nowhere.

All the time during our 4 hours talk, I am looking at him and feeling ashamed. I took him for granted. I indeed did. He would leave everyone and drive all the way to Montreal to just see me and I invent any lie to not travel from just Toronto to Montreal. Why? I do not know. Just because I am not in the mood!

I think I used him. Took from him a lot but only gave him the basic. No effort. I just made him laugh. Maybe this is what he needs. Or what I think he needs.

I am sorry if I did not advise you. I could not. But you wont listen back then. All I could do was to laugh with you. But I swear, never on you.

I really cant imagine North America and Shoubra without you. Really!

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