18 Apr 2008

MENOUF- PASTEUR-SALAH

It is fun so far.... hmm, I feel I have written this before. Maybe just an awkward way of starting writing. Or it is just that I was thinking last night while driving back that I have not written much since a long time and I wondered why? Nothing is inspiring me, or is it that there is nothing really happening? Well, both assumptions are not true because there are lots of things happening and some things are inspiring me. But it could be that it is inner that I am contemplating on secretly and not yet formalized in a pattern or a way. For sure, I have changed. To the better I suppose. Back to the origin and this has been good.

Being here, with these people and with this person have been relaxing. Does not mean having a cool time, on the contrary. Busy to a degree that I have not been feeling since a while. Say 2 years. Busy in a good sense. In the sense that I like. Learning something new about my own very work and about myself. With every attempt to be fake, I pull back and be myself. No faking. No pretending. Regardless the temptation. Surprisingly I have programmed my mind to 'be' something, and it is behaving and not daring to rebel. And for that I am grateful. I determined to focus, and here I am. I kindly brush any invasion of any sort. This has been better. I can live like that for decades. Yes, some sparks of nostaligia but its just sparks. No regrets to have them visit every now and then as long as they are not staying for long. I let them come and urge them to leave. No place for them. I learnt my lesson.

I know when you offer free meals and free gifts, the offer becomes a demand. I am stopping the offer. The free gifts already offered are a price I paid to be sure of this finding. I accept. It has been a heavy bill for the gifts were as precious as the giver. Yes, as precious as the giver not the receiver. The gifts were parts of the secret offered to me.

I am happy with my little village. Was just telling him yesterday, that I am lucky I decided to go for it. Part of me did feel that I was not going to live in the city. I took the share and bought something much more precious and wanted to do for years. A little place overlooking the sea! This is me. Even later, I will live in zamalek, or this little corner in heliopolis that I love. Among real people. Among places that brings in memories of some sort. Memories of my mother. Of my childhood. Not in a remote place that connects me with no one and with nothing. I want to walk around and feel my stomach aches with agony when remembering me and everyone who shared with me. I want that. I do not want empty places. Golf courses. I can visit and enjoy. But I want to remove the curtain, and hear the voices of these people I watch and connect. Neat people.... I did not take much from. They are too neat, even in their emotions. Even in their prayers. I am not neat. And I am not proper. And for sure I am not elite.

I am elegant! This you can never buy!!

4 Comments:

Blogger Lisa Simpson said...

Reading the last paragraph made me think of my childhood and our visits to my grandparents in Turkey. I really miss that place. People are very polite, with warm hospitality not like here.

If that wouldnt be so far i would love to go there, even none is there anymore.

Which part of you is Turkish? Do u go there? or u also lost a connection?

Take Care.

Good to have you back.

Lisa.

4/18/2008 10:03:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so lisa, I see now you have a blog. Was hoping to see more about you. When will you start writing?

Well, my mother is quarter turkish. They have some property there ...etc. But I sure do not relate to this branch at all. Maybe in being very short tempered and stubborn....but this is not particularly because of the turkish gene.

Nothing beats the memories that you connect to. happiness, i think, is nothing but a collection of memories. Past and present.

4/19/2008 03:50:00 pm  
Blogger Lisa Simpson said...

Is that you, Haal? The reason why i registered is to avoid unauthorised comments from my name.

I have problems with blogging, i simply dont know what to write about. I am not comfortable with disclosing personal information, and i cant write like you, ohhh i sound deparate :))

Give me hints.

4/20/2008 07:00:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. you are back! Thank you. Really missed you. Dont disappear again

5/18/2008 08:16:00 pm  

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