27 Oct 2007


this is the year. the final year to be. either in or out. not in or out of anything trivial. in or out of life. LIFE. i am not exaggerating when i say that. this is a decisive year. or 6 months or whatever period this suicide mission is going to take you.

want to slowly kill yourself. go ahead. many things to juggle around. well, drop some and choose your priority. work. money. self. life. or what? cant be all of them. you have tons of the second. sufficient of the first. null of the third and fourth. what a fucken life is that? pardon my language? no fucken life you got yourself. mother fucker life you search for yourself. fucked up bitch ass hole life you are putting yourself back into. wake the fuck up. well, you are on a suicide mission, no fuck will bring you back to life because there is no life to you. only paradise. well, screw paradise. there is no paradise anywhere. wake up!

i know surprisingly am putting my hope in the dead person. the dull, robot, depleted, selfish, lost person. my only hope to wake up and discover the misery and dump this all, including you. when you find this, who knows, maybe you will wake up too.

amazing that now the dead is my hope!

my question is 'master dead', when will you wake up? will u really do that quick so that we save solider ryan before being transformed by the natzis. oups, forgot that you are more potent than the natzis. your impact is actually more lethal. what shall i call you? hmmm.... death.

at least natzis had a hope of some sort. you have death and dullness at every pocket and with every breath. you leek selfishness. you leek arrogance. you leek selfcenterness. you portray anger and carelessness. how can i depend on that.

who knows!

life is hard to understand.

18 Oct 2007


What is it that matters? Lots of choices. Decisions. Desires. Hopes and achievements. Perplexing hopes and dreams. Consistent aspiration. Vision. Many things. Tons and loads of things. But what does really matter? I am not really sure. I am not sure anymore. Maybe I was sure but now not sure. From the many confusions I see in me and around me. Endless chase. Forever will it be endless. Not hoping that it will be better. Not optimistic. Well, does it really matter still? I guess no.

Secured aganist many things with this endless chase behind money and investments. Investement after another. One huge one after the other. More and more. Eyeing for more? I do not know. What money will do if your own inner home is empty and deserted. Inside loneliness. Annoyance. Fragile peace with the existing. More fragile peace with the alternative. What is the use? Invest for what and who and why. All the "W" in the world. For the self? The self will never say enough especially with the emptiness of any other source but the money. I am not convinced that we can say enough to money. We are not supermen and women. We are human. We want more. If we are deprived of some other ornaments, we substitute it with more in one direction. Flood me more with money so that I compensate. We do that unintentionally. We get absorbed by it and decieve ourselves of our deep consciousness of where we are going; of our sense of direction and self assertiveness. But alas, we are lost to that emptiness.

Emptiness of the soul kills it all. Leaves us no space to enjoy. Suffocate any attempt to stop and live. Enhance all attempts to get blinded by the more and the accumulating. I am no more sure if this life matters, or it is only what we can get out of it.

What is the wisdom in all what said and done. Years and years of isolation and loneliness. And the decision is in the hand. I guess if we ruin it when we have choices. We will end up accepting whatever the wind will blow. And when the wind blows, it is not always wind of change. It is wind of submission to what we never wanted. What we need is worth fighting for. Not waiting for a blow. Where is the dignity in that?

13 Oct 2007


So she finally got out of her comfort zone, or so she called it. Maybe decided to own something instead of just renting. And the inbetweens are great. The journey from renting to finally buying is great. Next step she will be leasing that. This is life I suppose.

Well, I am, too, getting out of the comfort zone. I learnt a lot from the zone, but contrary to you, it will just take me to a different place and different realisation. Not that life is vast and expansive; not that being are to be trusted; not that buying is the best thing, but to something else. Not the black down side of that, but to a outer space outside all that. Life is for leasing; Emotions are for leasing; relations are for leasing. We can never buy or rent.

Only Lease else you will be leased!

1 Oct 2007


This series really sucks. I can not even get the humour in it or understand what on earth is this sleezy, disgusting character. I know and see it exists everywhere around me, but seeing it like that makes my heart sour. Really can not like it.