7 Sep 2007


Well well well....

Hate me or love me. Can't you do something in between?

Well, they can't.

Probably because I am too. Either like or dislike you. If you fall in the grey area between lik and dislike, then you will think that I am weird. I will meet you, smile, nod but hardly will stop to talk. You will feel that I am just not interested. Although I donot intentionally do that. I am just not interested. Not even realizing it until someone tells me.

In fact, I dont 'dislike' per se. I just dont see you. I have no reaction. Or maybe an inner one that tells you what I think of you silently. Although again I dont really think of it at the moment.

Someothers I totally know who they are inside and they are just putting on a show to sell and present themselves, and I know exactly why the hell they are doing that. At times, I enjoy just watching them with this smile! Unintentional also. Just look and space out. I swear unintentional. No biggy if I give them this little praise maybe as a reaction to my guilt feeling of probably telling them how silly this all is.

Anyways, I am not crazy about being loved by all. Not really important. A decision I took decades ago. Not because I was/am wise. But simply because I cant do it. My freshman year at school I tried doing that. I did it amazingly. I would recieve tons of calls and knew almost all my class. Then I could not take it. Felt I will suffocate. Popular! So what! But I hardly had time to do anything that I like. Being popular and liked is a great feeling, but not for me. Anyways, I ended up withdrawing step by step. Selected some random people I enjoyed and clicked with and confined to them. Watching the others join groups, surround themselves with huge network, fight and makeup. On and on. It is absolutely great to have a huge network, especially if you would predict that at sometime there will be facebook where number of friends you have is an indication of some sort of something!

For me, I see people I know on facebook but I dont add them. Dont request them. I find others that I knew and forgot years ago, requesting me to add them. I think for a second and say, well, at least I contribute to a good cause: increase head count in his list. Why not?

So it is a matter of choice of what you want. I certainly enjoy being alone. Talk with a friend or 2. Enjoy walking, good food, good wine, beautiful scene, light company, outings that are not too loud, where i can escape and have a space to be on my own internal. I think over and over and find that you can do anything you want, say whatever you want, as long as you are not all over me its fine. Say what you believe, and I choose to listen and nod and maybe discuss with you if I am interested. As long as you dont insist that I believe in what you say, or answer you back to everything you say, I am cool.


Blogger ألِف said...

Just as I reached the end of the paragraph right before the one in which you mention "Facebook", I was saying to myself "welcome to the facebook of real life".

Then I read your comment about it and thought, "oh, well".

As a writer, you may find it praising how your epilogue lead me exactly where you wanted me, and just before you finished the scene by actually uttering the words. But for me, you just ruined my chance to act smarty and make the comment!

For that I cannot forgive you.

But since you describe well some thoughts and feelings I have too, I'll let you be :)

9/10/2007 10:22:00 pm  
Blogger haal said...

So, i think/feel that all thoughts are connected. I didnt intentionally made this post to talk about facebook. It was random thoughts that clicked here and there. You know, I sometimes think that people delve inside our thoughts and insecurities and design a virtual application of our needs that save us from exposing our insecurities... thus, leaving us totally vulnerable in our real life. Resort to the application that make us all secure.

9/11/2007 11:56:00 am  

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