7 Sep 2007


So have been out of the public life for sometime. What do I mean with that? Not interested. Not interested in what's really happening around. Less and less social. Interact very little. Avoid to have talks or go into any debates or arguments. I just focused so much on being with myself and with a couple of friends that I, not particularly enjoy, but I can float with. Just a couple. Why would I seek more! Anyways.

Even in that selective ones, in those selective, cool, upper scale places and attitude, i felt so damn bored. As if all words and all topics are screwed discussion. Or not particularly discussion, but mentioning and bringing it up. After a year, we talk about the same topics. More or less. I stopped even talking, I listen and mummble couple of sentences just to keep converstation going. I think I am bored inside. Nothing about anyone or anything. Just me, myself and Haal are all bored.

Conclusion, we are mostly bored. Most likely confused. Certainly tired. For sure afraid to change. Absolutely fearful from change. Definitely cultivated a false ego. And there is no doubt we are growing more fragile than ever. Our basic needs naggs us more and more. Inner recognition pokes us in our sensitive spots harder and harder. Conscious pierces deeper and deeper. But.

We just dont move on. We stumble backward. Stay in where we are and blame it all on someone. And we will forever feel stuck. Couple of years back I chose the title ' endless chase', and it is indeed endless chase. How mature I was back then. How naiive I am now. More lost years and more pending issues. And more fear accumulating. Less grap on our own life. Looser and looser we go. Sadder and sadder we become. Where are we going?

I do not know. Wait for someone to pull the trigger. If they pull the trigger for you, they will shoot you first!


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