28 Nov 2006

PRADA

Was super bored. Sad. Not tolerating anyone or anything. Did not want to lose this time of the year. Nice weather and nice ambiance. I decided to go watch 'Devil wears Prada.' Highly recommended. They said that I in particular will like it. Well, I like it. Meryl is absolutely amazing. She gives a different intense deep vibe to everything she goes into. Well, she was great. I love this particular character. The strong, agressive, emotionless, heartless, dry woman, yet inside, a volcano of emotions. Love that she pushes on people so hard. Give them opportunities and wish they take it. Wish they refuse it. Just wish to get the best out of everyone. To make everyone tense. Intense. Confused. Yet at the end, there is a deep trust they will choose what they really want even if its opposite to what she wants. I just enjoy that.

So went to the movie.

Walked around. Ate. Someone stocked me. It was fun. I escaped from him. He was an asshole. I entered elevator. He entered after me. There was couple of people in. While the elevator is closing, i stepped out. Well, if he had stepped out after me, he would have appeared a real idiot. But in all cases, he was surprised. Idiot. I looked to him while going down the stairs and smiled back and mumbled a curse! He did not ruin my night, but just made me more convinced of how men are idiots. Good for nothing. Just deep into their lust and does not even look to themselves in the mirror to see how disgusting they can be. Or actually, disgusting they are.

Do I hate men? Well, I am starting to actually. Our chemistry does not match. Well, does this make me a potential lesbian? Well, not that either because I just can not take women as well. I am just a loser I guess. Yea. Sounds about right. Loser! Cool.

24 Nov 2006

FRIDAY

I met friday by pure coincidence this friday. I was going to Citystars to meet a friend of mine. I usually go to the mall through the Intercontiental. Wearing a huge sunglasses, I passed by him. He was checking out. We looked to eachother and passed. I turned back and exclaimed, 'OMG, Friday!' And burst laughing. What on earth brought you here. Doing what? We decided to go for cafe. It was fun.

Friday has been one of these guys with whom I had a strong connection. We clicked from the start. He brought me flowers on my birthday and I never took them. I was shy back then. He used to come to our house study with my brother. We ended up talking in the balcony. I really liked him a lot and so did he. We would disappear and connect. Connect like never before and then disappear. He went to the states and back. WHen he was back, I went. Then he went and I was there. We met. I travelled to Texas to see my brother who was staying with him. I stayed for a week with them. Was great. The connection did not disappear. We were master in teasing. After that, we would talk and laugh on the phone. Long distance calls. He became my good friend. He always was. Still remember that I would clean my room and wait for his call. Do paint-by-numbers while he with me on the phone. Was great time we spent together. Both of us were lonely and both of us just wanted to connect and relate.

He break his trip and had an abrupt come back to egypt. I did not know. A year later I came too. Abrupt as well. We met. Ate Smoked Salmon at Bakery during his lunch break. Was really cool time. Talked a lot. He then disappeared again. This time to Dubai. He disappeared again and this time in Intercontiental.

I met him. Going tomorrow back to Dubai. Working in the Cement industry. From cars to aluminum, cars again and now cement industry. At least he knows what he is after.

So I took him to drink coffee. Was so great to see him. So great to meet him. Did not stay long though. Had to go. Did not have to, but just did not want to keep staying. Lots to say but very little will to say anything. It will be another meeting and then another disappearance. Who can endure all that. Was more to me like someone you always meet in a train. Strong connection but at the end it is just a train and he is just a passanger. Same as you.

Anyways, he actually gave me strength to do something I never dared to do. Without saying anything. Just looking into my eyes and saying that I did not change a bit and that my eyes are actually sparkling, I felt strong. Something I have been searching for in the midst of a bad week. A week of negligence and new realization.

Surprisingly I did it. Whatever I did I would never have done it before. Out of something, sure not courage. Just to be able to keep playing. To staying in the shadow. To give chances and space. I decided I do not want to do that. Claime my space. I did go and declared it. Looked face-to-face and eye-to-eye. Saw what I refused to see for more than a year. Ready to see it again. Take the shaking again. Take the thrill again. Take it all, swallowing it and surviving it all. Once and for all. Whatever will happen, will happen. Will not wait to have my fate decided for me.

Thanks Friday!

....'s DREAM

The book was there. First thing I get to notice, sure among other things. But was it a sign. Osman's dream? Well, who is Osman? An arrogant, selfish and image orietned empire that claimed majesty and purity, stole lienage and heritage and ended up leaving us in ruins. What started as only a dream runied people's lives. Dreams are dangerous. Dangerous to those who just follow other's dreams and get so indulged in it that they after a while adopt them as theirs and die for it. Or even live in it. Tricky! Some people just can convince you and you go along. Not only convince you of their dreams, but mock yours and make you hate it and be ashamed of it. This 'dreamwashing' act. It is funny!

Time to wake up from Osman's dream.

23 Nov 2006

SUN GRANDSON

Since the very first day of his arrival here, he was imprisoned. Tried to break from all restriction. Constantly he would try. Escape but at the end his short breath would push him back. One attempt after the other, he just simply ended up broken. He actually died.

Can not claim I am happy or sad because I just block it. Do not want to remember anything that would make me emotional. It is better this way. We will all die and that's a fact. Young or old, we will die. So just accept it and let it pass.

Wonder if there is a young spirit and an old spirit? Wonder what happened out there to him? Where is he now? He left his mask, but his reality is out.

14 Nov 2006

BB

Not a big fan of it. Not a big fan on technology in general. Prefer my old, broken half working cellular. What's wrong with that.

I do not like BB. I think it is an ego phone. Plus it is annoying. Beeping and weeping and wining all the time. Message. Phone. MSN. Email. And what not. Pure distrubance of the soul. It gets me annoyed. Can a phone and how you deal with it tells you something about its owner. Well, sure. Like anyother thing it does say. Sure say something.

Taaan... BOOOO... Taraaa... All the time. Annoying to the max. Addictive to checking and be updated. Arising to the hidden urge to be controlling. To be in full control. Nothing by-passes you anytime or anywhere. No matter where you are, you will respond and have your input and say. Complete virtual presence. Like the theatre spectator. Siting in the dark. Watching everything. Actors and play. COmmenting. Laughing and crying. Applauding for a scene well acted. Does the players see you. No. They know you are there to get and watch all their moves and whispers. Yet they dont know when or where it will come from.

I am a control freak. Maybe. But only during intervals. Do not like to be a freak about work when I leave office. Do not want to carry my work personality outside. Do not want to feel too important and things are in total need for me to follow-up. I believe, unconsciously, something will get inflated. My urge to control and be knowing of everything, even if I am/have been doing an effort to hide it, will now surface.

HORSE HURDLE HUNT

You gallop. Gallop as far and as wild as you can. Gallop with your dreams and supplications. Gallop for signs and dreams to come true. Gallop to the sky, racing your prayers to be helped by the sole creator of this universe. Gallop and then you find yourself in this space. Suddenly all the galloping and the scenes racing with it finally cascades. One after the other. All answered. Signs granted. Figuers found. Prayers answered. Dreams visualized and realised. Feelings surfaced. Hands and hearts uniting. You stop your horses. Convince your dream to now hop on to your horse and join you in a ride. You unfold your cascaded dreams and hopes and, not totally surprised, you find that it matched. So now what? You gallop together. Fast and fast. To places and valleys. Curves and mountains. Forests and caves. Forever hidden. Forever protected. Forever closed. You open one after the other.

After all is said and done, it is always time to go back to downtown. Where no horses are needed. Internal galloping. Horses hurdling on the scattered stones laid carelessly and selfishly everywhere. One hit after the other. Your get wounds. Here and there. You become aware of choices. Weighting things. Scale. Different factors pop up to be evaluated. A passerby, that did not exist in your wild, free galloping start taking first seat. Occupy your space and take over your horse. Schakle your horse. Invite more and more people to watch your horse put to death. You share by being silent. You share by just watching. Share your horse been taken away. You are ok with it. Detached. You think your horse occupies too much space. Right! Is a horse after all. Allow a space for only 1 person. You need more. You decide. To give away the horse. BUT

But you tie it. Tie it to an old portion of your mind. Of your image. Of your ego. You want the best of the two worlds. The horse and the other figures,and certainly your image. You just elongated the leash. Bit by bit you expand the leash to your horse. Just enjoy the secure feeling of holding unto the leash. Until it will be easy for you to open your hands, turn your face and let go of this horse. Make it easy for yourself. What about the horse!

Screw the horse. Wild enough it will survive. Raised in the dirt and wild. It will survive. I will be happy enough just watching the horse. Secure enough to be with the side images of my dreams. Who needs a horse. Everyone needs a hero. And I am a hero. I am everyones' prayer.... and dream....

9 Nov 2006

CRAB SEABASS

Over crab and seabass meal, we talked. Brushing through amalgam of topics. Disconnected yet smoothly connected. Deeply connected. I already cut down a promise to myself, that nothing is disconnected. I should not look at things separately. Every single thing is related. Well, this promise drove and still drives me crazy. I can not just separate and be cool about things. Deal with things on its own. Have to interconnect and in most cases over-read and with that comes the over-reacting. Over passionate. An assortment of 'over' on different level. Anyways, I am 'over' and this is who I am. Can not just be otherwise. Can not or do not want? Well, its my nature to be hot like that. What I can only tamper is my temper and over reaction. I can just be as hot as I am but be cool too. How? I have no idea. Maybe need to redefine 'indifferent'to myself. Give it a new definition to make it likable.

Anyways, we choose the best sounded dished. Crab and chowder (shubra) soup, crab cake with raddish sauce and an expensive dish of seabass with crab crust, with grilled vege and potato. The food came. We both looked at it. A sarcastic look. I quickly searched for the magnificiant seafood with the crab crust. Ah, this tiny dish over there? Ok. Baby seabass I guess. And transparent crab. But it tasted great. Only so very tiny for the expectation.

This place witnessed the first deep happiness a little more than a year ago. August, 2005. First time I went there to sit, was unplanned. I had couple of other plans with other people to go out and by pure chance were cancelled due to miscommunication. I called and asked if free. It was almost 9pm. And surprisingly, yes. Lets give it a shot there. I remember I wore a specific jeans and a red shoes. I was half hearted about going. Had tons of running thoughts, and wonderings. But I went. It was one of the best nights ever. I was introduced to Cigar. We together discovered our favourite sparkling water. I ate Leabnese mezza. So kind and sweet. Tolerant. Watchful and accepting. We just ate and shared. Was really great.

When it was time to leave, seems like we could not. Everything denied our departure. We got lost inside the building. We took the same elevator 4 times. Up and down. Lost and rotating in circles. We could not figure how to go down to the parking. Turns out we had to use 2 different elevators. We did not know. But we cracked. Laughed and laughed.

On our way home, just as our routes separate, I sent a message. 'Thank you. I have never laughed like this in years.' I meant it. Following the car in a distance, I wondered why we had to move separetly.